Wanting Relationship Grief

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wanting Relationship Grief
103
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:11pm

Ok, tell me if anyone else has this problem: you mention how you'd like to find a good man and get into a serious relationship and what you get back is how being single is better, how you need to be happy with yourself first, how being in a relationship shouldn't define you, how everyone else is single and happy and basically a million and one reasons why you wanting a great relationship makes you lame and how you should focus on other things.

That is all I get. Its to the point where I can't talk about it with anyone anymore for fear that they will judge me as weak and lacking. Apparently, I should be happy single and forget about it. Easy said than done.

Since when has it become so unpopular to want love? Why has it gone out of style? Are we suppose to be so independent these days that desiring love and affection makes you an automatic loser?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:15pm

Yes I took it as you were trying to tell me to suppress my feelings. To ignore them, disregard them and shut up about them. And once again, I get tired of people telling me to be happy with myself. I couldn't be more happy with myself, however that hasn't done anything to improve the situation. There are people on this board who have created great lives for themselves and are happy with themselves, where are all the wonderful men banging down their doors. I seriously think that has little to do with things. I think we need to stop assuming that people who are unhappily single are all round miserable, sad people who go crying to everyone and project that outwardly or inwardly when we are on dates. Because I know when I am dating, I am carefree and looking to have fun. Never do I even get into heavy relationship things, I just go with things. But I guess these same men who can't even tell if I'm into them or not even when I tell them to their faces are suppose to be perceptive enough to read my inner thoughts and that is what is really scaring them away.

Despite whether you are happy or not, ANYONE can draw the wrong kind of men.

You can say your peace all you want but if you have a problem with the whining or complaining, seriously put me on your ignore list. Because I'm not going to let anyone take away the one place I SHOULD be able to go to vent my frustations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:41pm

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Once again, you misread what I'm trying to say. You are way too angry right now to even understand where I'm coming from in my post.

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If you're happy with yourself, then why are you so upset with being a single person? Did you ever think that this is where God has you in your life right now for a purpose and this is where he wants you?

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I don't know you so I do not know what's going wrong in this aspect.

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Yes, anyone can draw in the wrong kind of man, but from experience, when I was unhappy about being single, all the wrong men came into my life from players to users to you name it! It wasn't until I stopped worrying about finding a man and just said, "eff it, it's not meant to be!" That's when I met my s/o.

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Cl214, Where's your faith? Do you even have faith in God? I've heard the more you complain about things, and the more you want them, the longer it will take for you to get them. You sound way too angry over my post. It's only a message board. You might not get the type of advice you're looking for but do realize, this is a message board and people will post their opinions, whether you agree with them or not.
Lighten up! I'm going to step away from the thread now. I don't want to lose my membership. I do hope you find a great guy.




Edited 12/12/2006 3:46 pm ET by ivil_mami25
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:49pm

To answer your questions, I am agnostic and do not believe in a god.

Yes this is a message board but also a support forum where I thought people get together to commiserate on similar issues. It just gets frustrating to have people tell you you shouldn't whine or complain or to focus elsewhere which doesn't help that particular soft area. Yeah, jus forget all about it, then the problem will just go away.

I've already said 'eff it, its not meant to be' and have began to accept that it may neve happen and that I may never marry and have kids of my own. My SO hasn't come along yet and I have a right to not like it, not suppress it and verbalize. You have every right to walk away from my threads if it gets under your skin.

I don't have to lighten up but just as you stated we can all post what we want. This was my response to yours. Feel free to do the same but as I already mentioned before several times, if you can't take a little whining and complaining, put me on your ignore list.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:53pm

"If you're happy with yourself, then why are you so upset with being a single person?"

Oh and I forget to add that this makes no sense. You can be happy with yourself and be unhappy with an aspect of your life. Just as someone may be happy with themselves but unhappy with their job, their living quarters, their home life, their weight, their grades, their self image, their decision-making or anything else. One does not have to do with the other. And obviously for some of us, it doesn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:01pm

You just love to argue with me don't you? LOL! Ok, you don't believe in God. That's your choice. That says a lot. But I'm not going to bring religion into this. That's a whole different topic...

I will also say to you, if you do not like what I have to say, then feel free to ignore the post. My initial post wasn't directed to anyone here specific anyways. You may add me to your ignore list as well. I don't get bent out of shape over comments on a message board. It's not that deep!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:10pm

Some may consider me argumentative, I just feel the need to be heard. Supression aint my things.

And we won't get into a religious conversation here as it isn't the place. And as far as my not being a believer 'saying a lot', I bet it does.

My last comment is that if I don't like what someone has to say, I will directly address it. I'm mot about to ignore anything as I want to read different perspectives. I don't have to agree but I will respond.

And you've pointed out just one difference between you and me; what I post I care deeply about as its not much different from what I think and feel (in real life) so I will defend it and speak out when I feel the need.

And there isn't anything wrong with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:19pm

cl214, it's not that deep, it really isn't! I'm not debating your feelings, they're your feelings!!! You can be miserable about being single all you want, it will not change a thing, trust me, I know!

*sigh*. I will definitely say a prayer for you tonight, even though you're not a religious person and don't believe in God.

Take care of yourself and like I said, I do hope you find what you're looking for. Lighten up!!! Feel free to put me on your ignore list, because like you, I will express how I feel too.

*DONE*!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:35pm

"cl214, it's not that deep, it really isn't! I'm not debating your feelings, they're your feelings!!! You can be miserable about being single all you want, it will not change a thing, trust me, I know!"

This was suppose to wrap this up? You continue to try to invalidate my feelings by telling me it "isn't that deep" and then make predictions on what will happen based on how I feel.

Let me put it this way, if a woman was unhappy because despite several attempts to conceive, she just couldn't get pregnant and faced the possibility that she may be infertile, would you tell her that her misery is prevent her from having a baby and that she only needs to be happy with herself, then a baby will come? If she then 'whines and complains" about her frustration here, should we tell her she shouldn't be sad about that as long as she is happy with herself? And if she feels upset by that, I guess the next thing to tell her is that 'its not that deep' and to 'lighten up'? Same can be applied to the unemployed who can't find a job or any other person that wants something that is just out of their grasp. Saying 'You can be miserable about it all you want, it will not change a thing' and 'lighten up' is not only unhelpful but it totally misses the point.

Stop trying to invalidate and dismiss other people's feelings because it really doesn't help in any situation.

I think you should also say a small prayer for yourself tonight. Pray that you learn better how to empathize and support instead of telling people how they should or should not feel based on your experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 4:50pm

Well, if you think I'm invalidating your feelings, there's nothing I can do now can I? You just want me to say, you're right and I won't. You have your opnion and I have mine. I don't see any point in being miserable over something that you cannot change. That was my valid point. You want to chage everything I say and try to change my mind on the subject. You seem to want to go back and forth and try to win an argument. Like I said, it ain't that deep!!! Don't debate my post. You don't like it, oh well, ignore it. Sorry if I stepped on your toes.

Oh, and I will say a prayer for myself tonight too. I pray that I never feel miserable because I'm not in a relationship. On that note, I'm really done. You can go back and forth all you like, I'm done for real!

Goodnight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 5:05pm

I absolutely agree that she's basically brushing our feelings aside. So she's religious, good for her. I'm happy she's found everything she wanted, but some of us haven't and regurgitating the same irritating platitudes isn't going to help us just because SHE regurgitated them rather than someone else.

The fact of the matter, at least for me, is that I like myself and can't understand why men don't and would rather go for the idiot blonde with the personality of a ham sandwich. Even WITH therapy and meds and an otherwise full life, I WANT a good man. Not even necessarily a family yet, but I want a S.O.

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