Wanting the Unattainable

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Wanting the Unattainable
3
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 7:44pm
I posted this message earlier, but I wanted to put it where everyone would read it. If anyone's been in a similar situation, let me know how it went!


I am fairly newly single--my ex and I broke up mid-July. I've actually been doing really well, expect for the fact that I am trying to meet new prospects and am having little luck. I can meet guys just fine, but I'm usually drunk when I do it, and even though numbers are exchanged, nobody calls. The one guy that does share mutual interest with me (a guy from work) has a lot of issues with his ex--they have been off and on for a while now, they shared an apartment and their lease is not up for months, they can't seem to make a clean break even though this girl is a complete bitch and no good (according to our mutual friends). It's the fact that they have such a history together and this whole apartment mess that is making it hard for them to walk away. I know that he is interested in me, but he doesn't want to disrespect this girl, which I understand--he needs to completely end one thing before he starts another. I know that the fact that none of his family lives in the state makes him wary to leave her--she has been his family for years, even though it hasn't been happy or healthy for a long time. Last night he and I had a drink (okay, a few drinks) after work, I basically wore my heart on my sleeve and he had to leave early because he agreed to see her that night...it killed me but I know he's trying to remain civil with her and to keep a friendship. He told me he really wants to see where this can go with me and he is excited for the time that everything gets figured out--he just wants enough time to pass between his break up and us starting something. I find that pretty admirable, but I am the world's most impatient person when it comes to something I want, and I want him! My biggest fear is that he is going to turn around and say he wants to try and work things out with her. Even though their relationship has been sh*t for so long, I understand what it's like to have comfort with someone, and it always seems easier to stay and be unhappy then try and find true happiness alone. I've been through this, and breakups, no matter how crappy the relationship, hurt. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this situation a bit better, I'd really appreciate it.

Jen





Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 8:12pm
So...it sounds like you're BOTH on the rebound! Time to step back, remain friends for the time being, and make sure you're both over your exes before you jump into anything new. If he's going to turn around and get back together with his ex, better that he do that *before* the two of you are involved than afterwards!

Personally, I don't think he can stay friends with her and get over her at the same time, so I think you'll have a long wait, but that's just my experience (and that of most other people I've known both in person and on the breakup boards). It's possible he'll be the exception to the rule, but not very likely.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 1:41am
Thanks Sheri. I think you're right on the ball with your advice. What I've decided to do is to give him his space. He knows where to find me if he wants to pursue anything. I won't be seeing him for a week or two depending on our work schedules (we work at a restaurant--he bartends, I waitress), and that will give him time to think this thing out. I'm done putting myself out there--he knows what I want, now it's time for him to figure out what he wants. I think this ex-girlfriend is a manipulator and is giving him a big time guilt trip, but he needs to see this for himself. When I see him next, I'll do my best to not wear my heart on my sleeve and just see what happens. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:42am
My advice - stop drinking - go to AA if you need to - and focus on men who are both interested and available - your thoughts about her character are (1) biased and (2) irrelevant - he is with her - because part of him wants to be - for whatever reason, otherwise he would find a way financially to move out. If you think she is such a bad person and the relationship is that bad, how is it that you think he has good judgment?