We all eventually settle
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We all eventually settle
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:21pm |
I have two friends who are struggling with the men they've chosen.
| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:21pm |
I have two friends who are struggling with the men they've chosen.
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This is a an interesting topic to me because I've just starting having the very same thoughts, wondering if I'm settling, and looking at what we consider settling in a different way. Ive been with my boyfriend for about 14 months now. Our personalities are matched very well, we get along well, and still have passion and great sex ;)
But lately I've been struggling with thoughts of "okay, so is this what I want?". I love him and am not even considering dating others, but find that those 'things' that bug you and you know won't go away, have to be dealt with; you have to decide if you can live them them. Like weighing all the pros and cons. It's weird, looking at a relationship from an experienced viewpoint - meaning, the second time around (I was in a crappy 19 year marriage that ended 4 1/2 years ago). I'm not going into something blind, so therefore I want to make the right decisions.
He's the most loving, caring, helpful man I've ever been with. We clicked from the very beginning and still do. Our biggest clash in personalities comes from my perception of his lack of motivation, and his being happy with just getting by. I tend to want "more" out of life than he does. He thinks I'm "materialistic". He does support himself, which was always a minimum criteria I had while dating, but he never has enough to do any of the fun things he'd like to do, or work on his house, and complains about it, yet won't do anything about it (he does have options, he just doesn't pursue them). There's other minor things (he's not as physically fit as I'd like, nor as active) but there are always going to be those kinds of minor differences, and I accept that.
So, I'm left wondering. What's more important, the companionship? Appreciating all he does for me? Or finding someone more financially equal to me? Or someone a little more active and physically fit? Looking at it this way, I definitely pick companionship! He treats me like a queen, and would do anything for me, and that's all I've really ever wanted. So, is that settling? We will never find anyone who is truly 'perfect' in our eyes. If we trade in one who is nearly perfect now, looking for someone better, the new person will likely just have a different set of things we find not so perfect.
So what would I say to these women? Carefully weigh if they are getting what they really want out of the relationpship, and if they are, then stick with it.
I'm very surprised to see bluebird write this "Our personalities are matched very well, we get along well, and still have passion and great sex ;)" and yet still be questioning her relationship.
I've been with my guy for 9 years. We have a fabulous relationship as far as loving, respecting, trusting and enjoying each other. But after 9 years the passion and sex are almost nonexistent. I want to change this and am starting to work on it and believe we can be good again in that area. But I've thought for quite awhile that I needed to walk away because if you don't even have that basic desire for your mate... what do you have!? A FRIENDSHIP! I want a lover and a soulmate... so should I walk away!? That's been my qualm for some time.
But to see even someone who has all of the above AND passion and great sex questioning her relationship (I realize I don't have ALL the facts but work with me here) makes me think - sex isn't all that meets the eye! Maybe the fact that I still have a relationship that I love and value after 9 years of "stuff" is so much more significant than having a passionate, love!?
Just my ramblings!
I do think we all basically settle (anyone who says otherwise is trying to convince themself otherwise and I don't believe them). I sure didn't think I'd be watching 30 close in on me (a month away) - still single (per se), childless, nonhomeowner, without a degree and still confused on a weekly basis... I THOUGHT life would have fallen into place now. I thought (and might still ALITTLE) my "man" would arrive and while he'd have his quirks - he'd be so obviously made for me. But... I'm learning... we CHOSE who we love. Friends, significant others, etc. Friendships aren't easy either... they take work and attention. imagine how many divorces would take place if we had to divorce friends. but if you love someone - friend or otherwise... you MAKE it work! I think our society today has pounded it into our heads that we have options and if you're not 100% happy change things... what happened to making it work!? I'm not arguing a point - cause I'm not sure I believe it - I'm just trying to throw some thoughts out there! :)
Nonetheless, I think your friends have to decide if they can love their SO in spite of their less than perfect qualities - I'd be willing to bet your friends aren't perfect either - not to be mean but the old adage is true "I was looking for the perfect man... I found him but he was looking for the perfect woman" :(
Well it doesn't sound like they are in love with their husbands either, or at least anymore. This is a HUGE issue that often gets overlooked. I can say I have experienced this. Too many women just settle, because of timing or they just feel safe, and secure with their guy. Yet, deep down they feel something is missing. I used to think I was the only one, but this is WAY more common than we think!
Well with me, my doubts consumed me, they sent me into depression, I lost my sense of self-control. I just felt like I couldn't leave him, I tried about 9 times but always went back. I think I was afraid of being alone or that he was just great and had nothing wrong with him, and wondered what was wrong with me. Well I later found it was HIM, he went way too fast, he was way too intense, immature and just didn't to it for me, plain and simple.
I have seeked counseling, which you should tell your friends to get into right away! They might be scared because they probably know that they will just hear the truth, but it is what they need. I would tell them that life is too short to worry or to feel like something is missing. It will be hard, but it can be done. Ask them if it is REALLY worth it. I feel sorry for some women who go 20 or even 30 years like this. I am a young woman and am proud to say I have gone through this AND I have ended it, because I knew it was for the best.
If they do maybe try to end things, reassure them that there is nothing wrong with them. You just can't help who you like and who you don't like, you just can't! Some guys just light your world up and some don't. Tell them to forget what their family thinks, forget the money put into it, forget how they will look to everyone...and that they need to focus on what THEY feel, that is the most important thing. I can't say they will be able to make their mind up right away, things like this take time, they are very hard. Like I said, I had a vicious cycle of breaking up and going back. Some people have to make their own mistakes to learn valuable lessons. But this is such a sad story, I mean NO ONE should have to go through life feeling like something is missing, or wondering if there is someone better. Tell them how much better it would be if they were with someone who made them feel complete (not necessarily completes them, because you have to make yourself happy) but someone who they can love everthing about. If you start finding flaws about someone, that is a sign that you are just wanting out.
I am sure they love their guys in a certain way, but I think there is a lot of types of love, and this isn't the amazing, real kind. I am sure they care about them and don't want to hurt them. But they can't live their lives for other people. Like I said, it may take time to learn and heal. But it will be worth it I am sure.
I believe that as women, we are taught to settle (stick with what you've got because it probably won't get any better) whereas guys are taught never to settle (always strive for mroe and never look back).
There is definitely give and take in a relationship and you definitely have to have a firm grip on what your deal-breakers are. And absolutely imagine what it will be like in 10/20/30 years when that thing that is bugging you now is still there.
I believe it is important to find a SO who is my equal intellectually, shares my views on financial responsibility and living a healthy lifestyle (physically and emotionally).
And I believe marrying someone because I love them is not enough... somewhere along the way, that became the standard in our society and truly, it isn't enough. There has to be lifestyle, values and goals compatability.
So, that's my 2 cents... not very smooth, but just some random thoughts.
Good luck.
When we are growing up it is ingrained in our head that we have to get married by this age , have kids and blah blah. This what will make us complete.
The reality is everyone's definition of complete is so different. Even the concept of a women should be married by 30 is all society made. For each person the situation and personal preference differs.
The biggest challenge for us is not getting degree or being financially independent but being mentally independent. It takes a whole lot of courage and will power to do what you want and to know what you want. At times unknowingly we tend to conform to society norms without even asking the question is this what we truely want?
I'm inclined to agree with you.
I agree except I think of it as having common core values rather than priorities. I look for intimacy on an emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual level (intellectual I had in my marriage and that is not as important but still important).
I have worked on myself a LOT and learned who I am and what works for me. I work on living my life consciously and being self aware. I believe this helps me to attract a mate that best suits me and her as well.
I am still on my "search" and staying open to the possibilities.
Mark
Hey there!
Yeah, I read from time to time... my life has literally been insane the last few months (okay maybe that's a bit of "drama-queen"! :p ) But really - I struggle with this topic on a weekly basis.
EVERYTHING you wrote in your post is exactly what I meant to say (and couldn't verbalize quite as eloquently) and yet, as much as I believe that... I'm still holding on to the fantasy. I often think if I could TRULY and WHOLLY let go of the fantasy and accept what I have and love, I'd live a happy life. But even as recent as last night (after watching Grey's episodes from Sunday and Monday - do you watch Grey's?) I think... will I truly ever be happy without feeling that deep, passionate love (again)!?
So many women say... "Don't settle" they say they found their soul mate... I've had friends that married in our early 20s and swore up and down who they were marrying was IT for them... and they are divorced now. I truly try to look around at people and see a marriage that after 5+ years still has that "in love" look and I'm sorry but I don't see it... so then I'm inclined to believe the deep-seeded, content and comfortable love that almost all "good" marriages fall into is what I have and I should accept it, love it and feel lucky for it.
Like you said "I read posts from women saying they want it all and won't "settle" for less than that ideal man they have in their heads, and I think I'm reading the words of an eternally single woman." that's BRILLIANT. We all want to believe we are holding out for IT - but I wonder... women who have gone before us holding out for it... did they find it or did they eventually "settle" (which doesn't necessarily have to be a negative term but a REALISTIC term) or are they still single!? Has society screwed us out of just being happy with really good - in search of GREAT!?
Great topic - one that obviously brought me out of the woodwork! :p
I brought this topic up with some friends last night and a lot of the conversation revolved around finding a SO who shares the core values. This would would mean settling is when the SO doesn't share your core values. Core values are what you absolutely define yourself by... they don't change and you make all your decisions by reducing them down to the core values.
Not settling involves having deep and honest conversation with yourself to know what your core values are and then defending who you are with your life.
There does have to be compromise in a marriage or LTR, but not on core value things. Example: I value financial responsibility (save for large purchases, stay on budget, plan for retirement) and so I absolutely will not be involved a man who is financially irresponsible(carries cc debt, makes major purchases on impulse). This is a core value for me and it is non-negotiable. I will not change this value for a man. It defines who I am.
ok.. now I'm being repetitive.
Mark, I think I didn't necessarily mean "our" priorities, but MY priorities in a mate (it's been a few hours...forgot exactly what I wrote!).
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