We all eventually settle

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
We all eventually settle
23
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:21pm

I have two friends who are struggling with the men they've chosen.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:09pm

I think that most good marriages eventually fall into that comfortable love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 2:21am

I don't believe it's a matter of settling, I believe it's called loving their quirks.
If your GF's are thinking twice about marrying these guys who have qualities that they can't live with- by all means - tell them to cut them loose! That's two more American males on a already slim market!
Did you know according to the latest US census polls that there are two unmarried females for every one American male?
Go look!
http://factfinder.census.gov/home/saff/main.html

So if they aren't happy with the men they have, let them look elsewhere..but the pickings are slim!
It reminds me of a joke I heard a while back-
Men are like parking spaces- The best are already taken, handicapped or way the hell out there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:47pm

Thanks for posting this topic. It is very interesting and I have enjoyed reading the responses. I just wish I knew what the real answer is for me.

I am in the process of divorcing after a 12 year marriage. I married young at 23, had a dating life of less than one year in my life. Looking back, I realize that I chose my husband (settled?) because he possessed the qualities that I was looking for at the time, mostly practical things. These included age, education and a good job, so we can build a good life together and we did. The list also included other criteria that I may not have chosen for myself to satisfy my family i.e. ethnicity, timing. What was missing then which I have just recently realized is that I never felt with him the deep connection that I would like to have with my partner. While I felt "in love" with him, I never really felt that he was THE ONE, MY SOULMATE, BEST FRIEND. I think I chose him because he matched up to the "list" of requirements I had, but he could have been one of many men who could fill the bill.

Having said that, I would have probably been content in my marriage and not known that I settled if we didn't start having problems about 5 years ago. All communication broke down, any semblance of affection (real or imposed) ceased, and we co-existed in our house with the bare minimum of contact. After much struggle and soul-searching, I filed for a D a few months ago. I know with certainty that I don't love H as a spouse should; in fact, I stopped loving him many years ago. I care of him as a person and as the father of my child.

H does not want the D. He thinks, now we have identified the communication and other issues, we can be good together again. In a way I agree that we can get to some level of "comfortable love", and the companionship is good between us now. So I COULD make myself settle again, and accept that this is "as good as it gets", and that leaving a good marriage (or what could be a good marriage again) is foolish.

But... I can't do it.

Why? Knowing that I never felt H is THE ONE for me would be too much settling again. Add to the mix our fights and that I am craving the single life makes me stay the course toward the D.

I wish I knew for a fact that I am making the right decision. I do know that I am leaving the marriage for ME, not to search out my true love (of course, I secretly hope in my heart that it happens to me one day). At the very least, I tell myself that I am making this decision with my eyes wide open -- it is a big risk giving up a good man, a good lifestyle, financial security, vacations, etc for the great unknown especially when there is a child involved. I have some inkling that I might regret this decision some day because I would come to realize that what I have is indeed as good as it gets.

I sure hope not.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 4:38pm

Well, if you're buying into the myth of "The One", then yes, I think you're likely to be disappointed. That's not to say that you won't meet a man with whom you have a deeper connection than the one you have with your husband, but to say that there's only ONE man out there for you...that's just setting yourself up for failure, IMO.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 11:44am

I was thinking the same thing as I read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:13pm
Sheri, thanks for your input. Actually I tend to agree with you. I never really believed in the soulmate concept which is part of the reason why I overlooked it the first time around. The second time around, I don't know either, just that if it happens, it'll be a bonus. And if it doesn't, I'm okay with that. I guess I was thinking of THE ONE when I wrote it more along the lines of what the other ladies were saying as fantasy man, and I didn't distinctly make that difference in my mind. Anyway, as I said before, I'm leaving for me. I'm just tired of living in conflict and my heart becoming hardened as a result and fearing that I'm incapable of deep feelings anymore (not necessarily toward a SO, but all people/things around me).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 12:53pm
What do you guys think of a situation where the passion was never there and only a friendship love with the person existed. Do you think that kind of a relationship could last for the long-haul with no passion in the beginning but an awesome friendship connection? I know love can't last without the deeper love and friendship that eventually grows after knowing someone even if it starts out with a lot of passion but can love last if the passion and "in-love" feelings was never there to begin with? I think you do need some kind of passion for someone, so when it does fade like it always does you have that feeling to rekindle or the memories to look back on when you first met the person. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:20pm

I think it is very important that you are friends with your SO/spouse. And a lot of people fall in with the passion and when the passion dies, they have nothing in common and no friendship to fall back on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 9:52am

Ya know, I was driving into work this morning thinking about this thread title and how I really don't want to settle but I'm so afriad I will run out of options one day and it'll either be to settle for something less thatn what I wanted (having a baby outside of marriage, dating what I can get) or remaining single in the hopes of that special man coming along and take the chance the he might not ever come along.

I hear a lot of my girlfriends who are entering their early 30's and are still single making plans that if that guy doesn't come along by X amount of time, they will consider getting pregnant by a friend so they can still have a child. I seriously don't want to even consider that but I cannot control my dating outcome and I may be forced to settle. It is something I hate to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2006
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:17am

I agree with you cl214.

On the rare occasion, the thought has kept me up all night.
I don't know if any of you believe in what you read about your zodiac sign, but I read mine the other day (i'm a libra), and it said something along the lines that Libras are very passionate emotional people and it's almost their life's purpose to find that one true love. And in some ways it's true. I don't want to sound overly cheesy, and maybe I've been brainwashed by Hollywood movies, but a small part of me still hopes to find my one true love. In the beginning, it excited me that one day I will meet this amazing guy, but as time passes with no sign of him, it terrifies me!