We all eventually settle

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
We all eventually settle
23
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:21pm

I have two friends who are struggling with the men they've chosen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 10:29am

Totally feel you. It does keep me up at times and stays in the back of my mind always.

I think it is because up until my last relationship ended (8 years and I was ready to commit for life), I never considered that I wouldn't find The One, get married, have that nuclear family and live happily ever after. Once that relationship ended and I entered the very real dating world for the first time as an adult, experience and statistics has now shown me just how hard it is to A) get a date, B) retain his interest, C) get into a monogamous, exclusive relationship and D) get the guy to allow his guard to come down enough to let me in, so he may feel an emotional attachment and connection to me and fall in love.

I haven't been able to get to past B and it's been nearly 2 years! I've actually begun to consider that it may not EVER happen. It frightens me and I'm still trying to come to grips with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 11:09am
I hear you guys, it's very scary to think I may not find one of my "ones" out there and that I'll never have a family. It's in the back of my mind always too and I wake up sometimes with anxiety worried about this. It does make me think that I maybe should go for someone that I am friends with who I really am not too attracted to at all but at least we get along great and have the same life goals and he's emotionally available. I've thought several times about doing this (but have gotten the rapture from several people just because of thinking it). It's just that I've hardly gone on any dates this year and I feel like I don't have much to chose from or that men just don't seem to be interested in me etc etc. It's a tough dating world right now and I'm not ever guaranteed to find someone who I think is a great fit for me and that I'm attracted to as well so it makes me think of settling for the guy who I think is a good friend because maybe that has a chance of lasting, who knows.......To settle on the attraction part or to risk never finding the one for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 7:37pm

all of these posts are so real to me - you girls have no idea.

I've struggled for SO long with my relationship. It's been 9 years now (not exclusive or consecutive but you get the idea). I imagine the relationship we have now is what a marriage is like after 9 years. Part of me wants to run away with my dream of finding "him" - not necessarily the perfect man (we know that doesn't exist nor does the perfect woman) but someone much more perfect for ME - better suited; someone who enjoys the emotional aspects of a relationship, someone who isn't constantly fighting for his independence. But... I also realize I have a good man on my hands. He's not everything I want or thought I'd have... but he doesn't beat me, cheat on me or mistreat me. I know he'll always be there - loyalty is one of his top traits. He’s steady, constant - obviously since we've preserved 9 years. We love each other - there's NO doubt about that. But we aren't IN LOVE - we have a good connection but not that deep, seeded soul-connection I dream of. I'm afraid I'll always want what I don't have... so how can I live like that!?

Either be alone and wish for what I don't have and be available if it does ever drop out of the sky.
or
Be with someone I do love but possibly wish for what I don't have and not be available if it does one day walk through the door!?

And regardless, is this how I'd feel after being in ANY relationship for 9 years!?!?! Even if I meet HIM tomorrow and everything is how I'd ALWAYS envisioned... do I honestly believe it will stay like that forever!? After 9 years, will his "appeal" wear off and I'll be RIGHT BACK HERE!?!?!? How can ANYONE base the rest of their life on what they initially feel with someone? Even after giving it a year or so!?!?! Seems like I'd need to date a guy for 9 years or something just to see if the feeling stays or if it fades to this again!??!

Argh - see... see how I drive myself mad!?!?

Sunday I move in with said boyfriend - I'm scared out of my wits! It's not like we met 6, 8 months ago and still have that "in love" feeling to kinda cushion living with someone. I guess living with him will tell me what I need to know - or I'm just prolonging the inevitable - I have no clue obviously! Very confused and hoping I'll find the answers I need!

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