Went to a BBQ & there was all families..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Went to a BBQ & there was all families..
4
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:22am

and 1 single guy. It wasn't so bad but at age 41 & never been married, it just felt a little odd. I played with a 2 & 4 year-olds. I actually stayed for a little over 2 hours.

I don't know. How does one think there isn't something wrong with them when they reach this age? Lately I have been calling friends, well I thought they were my friends & they don't return calls. I have done a lot of work on myself...maybe too much.

I even went to match.com & the selection in my area sucks. A lot of tank-top weraing guys (I also call those shirts "wife beater shirts".

Can anyone relate?

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 1:20am

For not returning phone calls, I have a couple of hypothesis.

First with guys, there is not that depth of being friends unless there is some fraternity-type bond that goes back in time. Guys bond via activities, women bond with sharing emotions. If the activities go away then the friends go away.

Second, this day-and-age, I suspect not too many people really bother to return calls. Maybe it is the downfall of courtesy or people are just caught up in their own (married) lives.

I rarely have people return my calls. I have a couple of friends that do but sometimes it takes them a week or so.

Mark

Avatar for floridagirl52
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Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:17am

Oh yeah, I can relate. I have to laugh: I went to a cook out on Memorial Day and I was the only single woman there. There was a single man there, but he was gay.

For me, it has gotten harder to find available friends as I've gotten older, not to mention men. When people marry and have children, their lives shrink to their families. Single friends are forgotten, or as I like to say, they are "shoe-horned" into the married person's life. Then you think you have it made with your single friends until they meet a man...and you are dropped like a burnt match.

I was divorced in 1988 (no kids), I'm 53, and have been single for a really long time. I wish I could say that I love being single but I don't. Like you, I have sought therapy and spirituality, but I have to tell you: I think there are social and demographic forces at work on the older single woman. Let me just say: I doubt that what you need is more therapy. You're probably just lonely, and that is harder to fix than one might think.

As to match.com....I hated it. I have the "Bubba Factor" going here, but even when they weren't rednecks, there was just never a match. It was all so awkward. The ones that I would have gone out with again never called back. I think it's a very high-pressure way to meet. Some poeple love it. I hate it.

Oh, yes, yes, I have done all of the things you're supposed to do: join clubs, go to wine tastings, go to parties, blah blah.

But it IS hard to think there's not something wrong with you. Especially when you see an "older" friend get married. Why not me?

A seriously good book for you is "With or Without a Man" by Karen Lewis, available on Amazon. The chapter with the "Nine messages about being single" alone is worth the price. She also addresses the whole friends issue, stating that your social life requires more planning when you're single. The book really helped me get my head on straight about a lot of things. It didn't "cure" me: I still have great difficulty with this. But it was so refreshing to read a book that didn't scold you for not going out 4 nights a week looking for men and pestering your friends to set you up.

Anyway, just know you are not alone in this. All the best--FG

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:28am

Do you think that they were trying to set you up with that one single man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:38pm

Thank you everyone for their posts.

mhash---I was referring to my female friends, not men. I know that men don't need more friends for sure.

I really appreciate the recommendation on the book too!

Anyway, just hearing from others helped a lot. I have been studying for an exam in my field & that has been keeping me busy but there are times on the weekend where I am just wandering about my home. On the outside I have it all...I own my home, blah, blah & I know it's not about having a partner but having one...or at least some intimacy onece in awhile would be nice.

I am at the point though that i don't want meaningless sex. I mean how long has uit been since you truly felt that buzz; you know that tingley feel. I know the difference btwn lust & love.

Anyway, thanks for being here.