went to far with a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
went to far with a friend
7
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 4:59pm
Here's a quick synopsis: worked with this guy for over a year but really didnt' pay much attention to him as I was dating someone else. The first realtionship ended, took some time to get over it; started paying attention to this guy who I felt was always trying to get my attention. So over time we went to lunch, went out to eat, movies, etc. After a few weeks and things were getting very intimate and we sort of went too far (but it didn't last long so I can't really call it a night of passion!)and he got a bit freaked out. We really get along great, and the kisses, my gosh, my toes curl, and I know he feels the same. But he's been through 2 failed marriages and his last one ended about 2 years ago. He said he isn't ready for a commitment, just wants to date a bunch of people. He told me he isn't as physical with the others (and he's only dated a few, and only a couple of times) as he is with me. I haven't dated much since my divorce 3 years ago and don't understand the dating scene all that well anyway. We're still friends, he still talks to me, but we haven't been as affectionate as we were and I really miss that. We talked a little bit about it and he said we'd still be affectionate, but not as much. My questions: have I totally blown it with this man? I really like him, more than I thought I would. And what can I do to get back in his good graces?? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 6:05pm
He's not dating you - this is a booty call.

Passion is involved in booty calls, too.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 6:27pm
if it was a booty call, why would he back off on the physical aspect?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-09-2003 - 7:13pm
Becuase you're working together, he doesn't want to date, he's not going to date you and he realizes that when you two are going to lunch, and you're always dropping by his desk and sending emails - you think that you two are dating...he knows you're not.

He probably thought you understood that if a guy doesn't ask you out, take you to dinner and movies and doing things of mutual interest BEFORE getting into your pants...that it's not dating. It's hanging out and hoooking up - aka - booty call.

But now, he's done this with osmeone in the work environment -which could get sketchy for either of you even ifyou're equally ranked in the workforce, as to being let go, depending on company policy.

Check your company policy...I bet it says you can't date coworkers...and if he's in a supervisory capacity (any supervisory position, not just over you) he certainly cannot afford to even affiliate like this with subordinates....you could get him for sexual harrassment and he'd have a black mark on his professional careeer ad infinitum.

If the company has no policy...there's still glass ceiling effects that aren't stated in policy,but are real nonetheless.

But, he probably figured that you'd been divorced awhile and "wanted some" and he's been single awhile and "wanted some" and there's been all this chemistry etween you two in the form of flirtation at work. Which is common - you're the 'best person youcan be" at work. If you're good at your job - you're "feeling positive" when you're there, radiating confidence, and well respected.

But...when he didn't ask you out on a date, didn't pick you up, pursue getting to know the "you outside the office" and there was this sex involved....he probably figured you had common workplace etiquette sense. That you knew it was "Just sex" and that he'd involve himself with "Just sex" and there woulnd't be lunches, exchanged long glances, personal emails on the company system....it'd be "just between you two" that you two were "doing it and nothing else.

But you've overstepped it...and he's telling you outright. I'm not wanting to date exclusively, I'm dating other women. That right there would have put most self-esteeming women OFF his path regarding sexual activity. That's risky - condoms notwithstanding. IF he's dating and expressed his desire to date others.....then he has the option to sleep with them and will. If he's sleeping with you without dating you -his values inspire it - it wasn't ""just you" that had him desiring it - he's certainly sleeping with them if he's dating them...and quite likely he is "dating them"...not just doing the booty call.

And you're going "well, as long as you don't go as physically far with them as with me, it's okay we can still get it on." Please tell me how you were going to ensure he didn't go "as far or further" with them than with you - other than his word. Which albeit has been bluntly honest up to this point...he's aware he's running great risks of getting "cut off" by you sexually when he says "well, since you've given me a BJ and before we get it on, I had a few dates this week and slept with two of them". He's also running the risk at some point of you getting "mad" and taking it out in the form of a lawsuit or sexual harrassment claim at work. In that he's not dating you, he's not flirting with you at owrk, he is sleeping with you.....and you're going to make that public because he won't date you but you know he's dating others and sleeing with them - just not to the extent he is you.

I suspect if you didn't approach him again in any way but professional and in "must contact" situations...he'd never again bring up your dalliance. He got what he wanted - sex. He possibly thought this could be a long-standing agreement - booty call without dating and he's found out the opposite. And he's just realized how stupid he was for thinking not with the head on his shoulders in trying to get this arrangement with someone he works with.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 10:24am
We HAVE dated. He's the one always coming to MY desk, sending ME e-mails, calling ME on the phone and talking for an hour. We went out for three weeks before anything physical happened!!! I thought I made all of that clear in my first post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 3:12pm
Sending emails and coming to your desk is not "dating" - hon...it's flirtation.

Dating is a protracted period where he calls up and takes you somewhere, spends time getting to know you upright and vertical, that you share interests by doing fun things...that's dating.

People that pursue dating wanting "just to date" - generally rush right into sex. Sex, companionship, fun - that is "dating". If you're both attracted physically, if you do fun things together - you're technnically "dating" but it's not ging anywhere. If you accept sex on the dating plane thinking that "sex = commitment" or "sex = exclusivity" you're mistaken. It doesn't.

Sex is just a physically pleasurable act...that's it. If it means more to you in terms of emotinal investment - then YOU have to be emotionally involved and investedin your partner, and have some honest communication about whether they're that with you - PRIOR to getting naked and horizontal. Otherwise, you're having casual sex - which is basically ou're having 'just sex" with someone you find attractive that you're dating - but there is no commitment to or investment in on mutually agreed to terms.

What you're saying is that you "dating" for 3 weeks. Do youo mean that for 3 weeks he frequently came by your desk, sent flirtatious emails, you two did lunch at work...and you're calling that dating?

Or did you two have plans for after work, specifically designed to get to know one another - not get a little tipsy and flirt to the point of lust overwhelming you both and you ate dinners, took walks, went running - whatever it is that intrests you both that you are fully clothed doing and conversing while doing?

If so, even 3 weeks isn't any length of time. Even if you dated every night for 3 weeks, becuase you're in he heat of infatuation where you can't objectively discern anything about them at all, or them you - that isn't enough time to decide if you both want a relationship with one another.

Now...that is enough time to say "we're dating and let's make our dating exclusive so that we can have sex and find out if we're physically compatible, and see hwere the dating goes and find out if we're harmonious on personal levels to see if a relationship is a possibility." Doesn't sound like that happened though.

It sounds like you wen tout for lunch at work, had emails, probably long talks at the car in the parking lot, maybe a dinner or two...and you had sex. And now he's saying "enough, we're going to curtail our physical intimacy". You're wanting more...and your primary access to him is work...and i suspect becuase this is a "work liason" now that he's thinking with the head on his shoulders - he's regretting this decision. Which for that - refer to the other post regarding the potentials of dating a coworker for you both.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2002
Fri, 10-10-2003 - 7:16pm
It just sounds like he hadn't planned to have sex with you at that point, but got carried away because you and he have sexual chemistry. Now he regrets it because he thinks it's too soon, or doesn't want to have that kind of relationship with you, or he's afraid he will become too attached to you if the two of you continue with the same level of physical intimacy.

What can you do to get back in his good graces? If that's what you really want, given that he's said he isn't interested in a commitment right now, then you should back off, not expect any affection if he doesn't want to give it, and go back to being more platonic like you were before you started dating during those 3 weeks. No complaints, no expectations, accept the situation on his terms. But if it were me and a man told me he wasn't interested in a commitment and he backed off physically, I would say goodbye right then and there. He either doesn't see long term potential with you or he sees you as too threatening. Either way, if you fall in love, you're going to get hurt.

By the way, I learned this lesson the hard way.

Best wishes,

Ava





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 10-13-2003 - 2:58pm
Thanks for the advice Ava! I appreciate it. We still talk all the time, we've gone out to lunch and I think things will be fine. I will definitely let him set the pace.