We're allowed to be 'not happy'

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
We're allowed to be 'not happy'
11
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:09pm

Time for a little vent. I've been stewing over this for a few days.

I am so tired of hearing (and reading on the boards) that someone is "negative," or "codependent" or "needy" every time they happen to express an emotion other than sheer joy and happiness. Is this Brave New World? Are we expected to pop happy pills and bubble over with joy every instant?

In the thread about being single during the holidays, it's implied that we single folk should just buck up, put on a happy face and be overjoyed that we're single. I am honestly not happy that I'm single, and I refuse to pretend that I am. I am, HOWEVER, happy about life. Just because I am not happy about one aspect of it, does not mean I am wallowing in self pity, ceasing to live and enjoy life, don't have friends, lead a miserable existence and am looking for someone to fill a giant hole in my soul.

Sitting in, feeling, and owning an emotion (such as sadness or loneliness) is different from wallowing in it. I think it is very healthy to feel these emotions and not just push them down under some happy veneer. We get through them by feeling them. It is also healthy to be able to express those emotions to other people. There is a fine line between sitting in an emotion and wallowing in it, I know, but there is a difference.

Finally, here's the list of things I AM happy about that have absolutely nothing to do with my relationship status:

- my new puppy and how much energy she exudes
- my new house and its yellow walls
- being able to have a Christmas tree for the first time ever
- my 9-year-old nephew who plays saxophone by ear after only two months and who calls to play me songs on my answering machine (he rocks!)
- my parents (my friend's mom just died, and it makes me appreciate the time I have with them)
- snow in Colorado - it dumps one day and melts the next
- my first fire of the year, last night
- living in a country with so much opportunity and luxury available to us
- my health (this is huge, I know so many people who don't have it)
- my dear, dear friends
- being emotional -- I feel all emotions deeply (including happiness) and I think this is one of my best assets. I'm proud of it.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:15pm

Hear, hear!!!

I think people do mean well when they try to cheer others up in response to hearing that they are sad about something, though. It may not be what we want to hear but I don't think they are doing it to be malicious, KWIM?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:21pm

Hear hear! And totally agree. And while I realize that people are only trying to encourage and give a different perspective, I get tired of people telling me to "love myself" or "be my own best friend". Honestly, I couldn't be crazier about myself or spoil myself rotten. The self-love thing I've got down (if you knew me in person) but it has NOTHING to do with my want for someone else to love me. I guess if you love someone, you're not suppose to want or need a thing from another person. You should be able to find all life's happiness, joy, attention, companionship and affection from within yourself. After all, we're NOT social creatures, right? We're suppose to live and love alone, right?

And since we're making lists, here's my list of all the things that make me happy:

-my new kitten, who has brought nothing but extra love and joy to my home
-my cushy job
-my hip, partying, sassy girlfriends
-my guy friends for moral support
-for the benefits to go to grad school for free
-my health, healthy as an ox
-for new modeling opportunites
-for new writing opportunities
-for the adorable guy I've been dating who, despite his shortcomings, still brings a smile to my face most times
-my other kitty, who sleeping near my pillow at night

I can be happy with my life and still feel sad about one aspect of it. I'm human, I'm emotional, I'm verbal and I don't feel the need to hide it, suppress it or cover it up. I want romantic love and that is just it. But it doesn't make me half a person nor a sad, pathetic, loser who feels incomplete.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:41pm
Thanks for this post. I agree completely. I felt in the past that I have been called overly needy and that I complain too much because I wrote a few venting posts. I try to be as emotionally supportive as possible to everyone on the boards but sometimes felt like I didn't get the same back in return. I was going through a really rough time for the majority of the year and although I know some meant well by trying to pick me up, others just made me feel like my feelings were invalid even though I know that they are not. We are all human with emotions and it IS a gift to be able to feel deeply for yourself and for others. I have that gift too. I was too afraid so many times to speak up on the board but there were times that I felt I was getting the rapture too much from a poster or 2.
Things I'm proud of:
My newfound self love and happiness
My friends
My new relationship (however it may turn out)
My condo
My rabbit
My family
My job
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:46pm
I'm also sorry to hear that your friends mom died. I forgot to let you know that in my last post. It's rough watching a friend go through so much pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 11:10pm

<<"others just made me feel like my feelings were invalid even though I know that they are not">>

So true all of you! I love this board for all your understanding! I talked with my best friend (on her 2nd marriage, 33, one child, just bought a $250K house, stay-at-home-mom) about how since I've turned 30 that there is a LOT of pressure on me from family/friends/society to get married and have a family. She says "But look at how educated you are...look at what you've done for yourself...". Sure, but why isn't it OK for me to want more? She will never understand what it's like to be single, because it seems in this day and age that it's more acceptable to have been divorced than never married. I feel like she just dismisses or invalidates me when she says these things even though I know she just means well...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:14am

I think its healthy to be unhappy at times. Its better than to just fake happiness. I think that people are so quick to put a bandaid on stuff instead of dealing with it and accepting that mood swings, feelings of sadness or whatever are NORMAL!!!

Even though I'm in a relationship, here are things I'm happy about that are not related to my relationship:

Only one semester left of my graduate school career--I've come a long way and worked so hard.

My new living arrangements.

Snow and winter.

My family and all their support.

My wonderful friends who enrich my life so much.

My dog who is still kickin after 16 years.

My music talent.

M & M's

The kids I work with.

The winter sunsets.

The fact that the New Year is fast approaching and its a chance to "start over."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:27am
Not only that but degrees, fancy titles and material things aren't going to love you or support you back. I have a co-worker whose says I'm doing everything right by finishing grad school and being career-oriented. Looks good on paper, but my master's and career prospects aren't going to keep me warm at night, care about me or comfort me when I need it. They are simply things.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:14am

Awesome post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:56am

Great post! One thing I can say is that I am happy with pretty much every aspect of my life except being single. I have begun to refuse to allow other people to try to talk me into being happy with it. I want a relationship, to get married again some day and to have kids. There is nothing wrong with wanting those things and not being ecstatically happy that you don't have them. I agree with another poster that sometimes other people are uncomfortable when unhappiness about a certain aspect of life is expressed, but that's just the way it is, why pretend that it isn't? I get it that I have a ton to be thankful for and I am thankful every day, but I still feel like I deserve to be loved by another person in the romantic way. No matter how much your family and friends love and care for you, it is not the same thing.

Thanks for letting me vent!
YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 12:57pm

Thanks, biochic. It is difficult to watch a friend go through so much pain. I know you're going through that with your friend as well.

My friend and I have known each other since we were 12, so she's like another sister to me. I'm seeing her tonight for her birthday, and then helping move furniture out of her mom's house tomorrow. Will be a rough few days for her, I know.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

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