What IS "baggage"???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
What IS "baggage"???
38
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:21pm

So I've seen "no baggage" talked about a lot lately, as a prerequisite for dating material.

What IS baggage? And how do you reach adulthood without having any?

Our experiences and how we deal with what we're dealt makes us what we are.

Personally, I'd rather deal with some baggage than a blah mediocre vanilla lifestyle.


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:43pm

Don't believe it when someone says he/she has "no baggage." No, it's not possible to make it to adulthood without baggage - so, they're either lying or in denial. :)

Examples of baggage:

- Having your heart broken (who hasn't?)
- Experiencing a tough stretch in life (divorce, lost a job, lost a family member, etc)
- Growing up in a challenging household

I think what people are *trying* to say when they say "no baggage" is "no chip on the shoulder." Every human has baggage, but some people have learned how to not let it weigh them down or negatively impact their lives for the long term.

I agree with you - I'd rather date someone with a little history, who has lived life.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 2:50pm

>>I agree with you - I'd rather date someone with a little history, who has lived life.

Of course! If you have no history, what have you learned from? And WHY do you have no history? Someone with minimal history seems to me to be the type of person who plays it too safe, never takes risks....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:11pm

It's baggage if you haven't dealt with the issues that your life experience has given you, although I don't ever think we get to a place where our issues are 100% resolved. But not even TRYING to deal with your issues wouldn't be acceptable to me--I want someone who's at least tried and been at least partially (well, preferably mostly) successful.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:13pm

To me too much baggage is when they are so hurt from their history that they can't deal with a relationship. They scare easily, they have a mentality of "better hurt her or dump her before she dumps me" because of what an ex did, etc.

They start a relationship, string you along and then tell you they are just not ready to have anything serious because of their battle scars. Issues with exes that make them be weary of all women or emotionally unavailable. They don't want to risk anything, but expect you to put your heart out there and be there for them all the time. If they think you are not being undertanding or supportive to their needs, they just think you are just like the "terrible ex" or "all women are the same". That kind of thing. Yes, I don't like it if a guy has not history, but if the history includes crazy ex, crazy kids and every aspect is disfunctional, it's a big warning sign that my a relationsip with him (or her if that's you case) will be bumpy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:21pm

Sheri -

I agree with your definition.

But what I've found curious is how many posts we see around the boards where the baggage is the actual experience - not if it's been dealt with/resolved. KWIM?

Have a great weekend, everyone.

I'm off to VA for a funeral. A very dear friend of mine died suddenly. :(


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:25pm

To me, it's something that always weighs you down that you can't let go of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:30pm

I can understand where you're coming from about kids - although I wouldn't really consider them "baggage" per se...unless it's an adult child at home living off his/her parents. Now THAT'S some baggage!

Thanks for the condolences.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:33pm

>>Yes, I don't like it if a guy has not history, but if the history includes crazy ex, crazy kids and every aspect is disfunctional, it's a big warning sign that my a relationsip with him (or her if that's you case) will be bumpy.

Well, right...that's no good. :) Definitely baggage territory.

>>They scare easily, they have a mentality of "better hurt her or dump her before she dumps me" because of what an ex did, etc.

Another example of not taking risks...sometimes I'm scared when I start something with somebody and often because of past experience, but I suck it up and deal with it. Hurt is inevitable, trying to shield oneself from future hurt is only going to be more detrimental. Yes, hurting sucks, but I take it as a necessary evil and know that I'll learn from it.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:34pm

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, that's so sad.

And yes, I do know what you mean. I guess everyone needs to define it for themselves, and I guess there are certain experiences that I might not be able to get past myself no matter how they've been dealt with (I'm thinking along the lines of something like being in jail for a violent crime), but for the most part, if people have dealt with their "stuff" I'm willing to give it a chance.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 3:35pm

To me, they just weigh a guy down way more than I'd like.

Pages