What Is The Difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
What Is The Difference?
18
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:12am

I was talking to a friend about this the other day.

In regards to why we haven't found that special someone yet, I'm sure many of you have had someone tell you 'what's the rush?', 'enjoy your singledom', 'you're still young, there's plenty of time' in reponse to it.

But what makes me aggravated is because when someone is eager to enter a career field or pursue some other dream such as traveling, opening a business or something else like that, they don't get the same responses. People usually support that with 'go for it', 'believe in yourself', 'don't give up' etc.

So why is it okay to want to pursue other personal goals, but wanting to be in a relationship (especially one that may lead to marriage and a family) is so often put down? Why do people encourage one but not the other?

The way I see it, they should be weighed the same.

Your thoughts??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:23am

Well, you got to consider the source. If your talking to someone who is working on their career and that is their goal, and they are not really lokking for mate, than they are going to give you advice based on their perceptions. You KNOW what you want, you KNOW what is in your heart. Don't let people deter you and your dreams.

But regardless, have fun, laugh, and love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:33am

I understand but really I get this from everywhere, family, friends, co-workers, the media, even here on this board. Yeah, I've calmed down a bit and I'm not hardcore dating anymore. I'm focused on my writing, finishing my master's, my marketing job and hanging out with friends on weekends.

But its like the minute you entertain the thought of falling in love, getting seriously involved or looking for that right guy, that is all I hear 'focus elsewhere', 'don't worry about that now' 'you're still young'.

What happens when I've attained all my goals (I've hit most so far) and I'm not so young anymore? What will their excuses be then? I mean how much more focusing on other things should I be? How many more personal projects do I have to take on? What happens after I gone as far as I can go professionally and I still desire a real relationship and a family?

I'm just tired of being told to push one aside and focus on the other. Just venting a bit.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:35am

I've often wondered the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:53am

I'm finishing up my marketing degree now.

Were talking about your heart, and your desires. The whole career thing, hobbies, etc. are just a diversion away from what you desire. Your family is doing you a disservice by not supporting your needs. Try your best not to listen to them, they are conditioning you, just like pavlov's experiment with the dog and the meat. Follow your heart.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:00pm

That's exactly what I was going to post...people are probably saying it because one's career is much more within your control than finding someone who is right for you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:04pm
Yeah that is what I thought, it's a control issue. And just like you, my career is in place so I'm ready for the next step.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:11pm
I have actually thought about this before. Honestly, I think that other people are really uncomfortable with the thought of someone being lonely. When you want to pursue a career or some other phase of your life, it can be emotionally challenging for sure. But the loneliness associated with really wanting a mate scares people. Maybe they think that they can catch it like a disease. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 12:22pm

I think people also see it as being a weakness. I have another message board I frequent but never discuss dating and relationships there anymore because the general consensus there is if you desire companionship and a relationship then there must be something you are missing inside you and you should work on that before you can date. I keep getting the message that it is weak to want to be with someone and that you must not be happy with yourself.

And quite honestly, I am damn pleased with myself. I do not lack confidence, drive, ambition or self esteem. I don't see why how one has to do with the other.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 2:37pm

That attitude is one of my biggest pet peeves. I SO know what you mean about people assuming that wanting a partner means that you are not emotionally balanced. Which is complete poppycock. In fact, I think that the opposite is true. There is something wrong with people who work to avoid a basic need. Most people really want a mate. Admitting that does not mean that you are weak - it means that you know yourself well enough to know what you love about your life and what you still want or need.

I have a great life. I love my job, my friends are the best and my family is really supportive and fun. I have a condo that I love and I really have a lot of fun in life. The fact that the only thing I see missing is a man just means that I am blessed enough to have the rest of my life in pretty good order.

I don't blame you from shying away from talking about it if that is what people are saying to you about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:09pm

cl214, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly do you do for a living?

Plus Auntjules gave some good advice as well.

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