What Is The Difference?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
What Is The Difference?
18
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 11:12am

I was talking to a friend about this the other day.

In regards to why we haven't found that special someone yet, I'm sure many of you have had someone tell you 'what's the rush?', 'enjoy your singledom', 'you're still young, there's plenty of time' in reponse to it.

But what makes me aggravated is because when someone is eager to enter a career field or pursue some other dream such as traveling, opening a business or something else like that, they don't get the same responses. People usually support that with 'go for it', 'believe in yourself', 'don't give up' etc.

So why is it okay to want to pursue other personal goals, but wanting to be in a relationship (especially one that may lead to marriage and a family) is so often put down? Why do people encourage one but not the other?

The way I see it, they should be weighed the same.

Your thoughts??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:18pm

I'm thinking you must be in your 20s? Because I used to be told "what's the rush? You have all the time in the world." But honestly, people don't say that to me anymore, because I'm 35 and generally nobody sees me as "having all the time in the world." The response I get from a lot of people now (which I hate!) is "you'd better hurry up if you want kids!" (But I'm 99% sure I don't, so that's not an issue for me.)


But I do think like others have said, people are quite uncomfortable with the idea that someone else may be lonely ... and when you say you want a relationship sometimes they take it as you saying you're lonely and "lacking," which of course isn't true (at least it doesn't sound like it in your case).


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:28pm

Yes, I really appreciate auntjules' advice. That one I am keeping as a nice retort the next time someone tries to start with me.

I am a marketing manager in the medical publishing industry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 3:31pm

I'm 28 and though I'm in no rush to get married or have kids, I wonder when they will stop saying 'whats the rush'. I don't hae all the time in the world and honestly, I feel like time is creeping up on me faster than I can get a grip on. I feel like it is flying.

And you are right; wanting to be with someone does not mean I am lacking. I just hate that kind of thinking.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 8:48pm

It's like they're saying you can't have a fulfilling relationship wtih a SO at the same time you are pursuing your career/education goals.

And yet having the support of an intimate SO, could be soooo helpful getting through stressful times in the pursuit of career/education.

And the successful achievement of career/education goals could be so much more rewarding when your SO has travelled the road with you.

Good post.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-20-2006 - 10:54pm

That makes a lot of sense, but I had never thought about it that way.


Today I went to a bridal shower for a fellow teacher who just turned thirty.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 9:28am
That woman you keep mentioning has GOT to be muzzled.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:36pm

Oh, but if you met her, you'd think she was the most wonderful person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2005
Wed, 06-21-2006 - 12:50pm

okay upon initially reading the OP I thought... wow that's a really interesting thought - I'd never thought of it that way. But as the replies have rolled in I really don't think people are "trying" to make us feel one way or another... it's OUR perception.

I was talking to my mom about this and she said "that is interesting but I really think people are just trying to be kind and encouraging" so as to not make us feel bad that we HAVEN'T found that person yet. And I actually mentioned the control issue before reading this (like minds Kelli) - we can say "tomorrow I will start taking classes to finish my degree" or "tomorrow I will start researching how to start my own business" etc. but saying "tomorrow I will meet the love of my life"... umm yeah. And so when we say something regarding our single status to others... they are just trying to be uplifting and compassionate by taking the pressure off.

Don't get me wrong I KNOW how annoying it is when someone says "oh you are STILL young" and yeah, I am still young but I also wanted to be in THAT part of my life when I was young - not when I was "middle-age" so... telling me I'm still young... that doesn't really help! Unless I'm getting younger by the day - and I'm pretty sure they haven't figured out how to do that yet.

So... I do believe it's more about our own perceptions of what they are saying in regard to how we feel about ourselves. And I can't imagine ANYONE truly saying you/we can't have a fulfilling relationship and a career at the same time.

Although, I do think Shy's "friend" should receive a little bit of her own medicine.

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