What do I owe him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2005
What do I owe him?
11
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:32pm
So I'm about to break up with a guy & I just have a question regarding what the "right" thing to do is because I seem to have a terrible, almost guy-like habit of messing this up. I've been seeing this guy for about 4 months now and just moved 2 hours away from him about 3 weeks ago. I wasn't sure how that would go, so I decided to keep the relationship going, figuring I could just go see him on weekends. Well, turns out I was insanely wrong - our work schedules don't quite mesh and all we could really work out is one night a week at his ridiculously uncomfortable, cramped place. And I pretty much decided I'm just not enough into him to make the commute & lose a night's sleep just for some so-so sex. So...now I have plans to see him this weekend, and frankly, just the thought of it makes me want to cry because I'm so tired from my new job. I really want nothing more than to just end it now & move on. I was going to just call him, cancel, and tell him I think we should break up, but I know for him it will seem like it just came out of no where. So is it ok for me to just do it suddenly like that over the phone? Or do I owe it to him to go see him in person? I know its probably the latter, but ugh...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:58pm
IMO, you owe him the latter. Think about how you would want it done to you...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 05-31-2006 - 11:58pm
go see him in person. if you were together for a month or less then it is ok to do it over the phone but since you ve been together for 4 months and he acted decent with you I suggest you go see him and explain to him how you feel.
if too tired this weekend, tell him over the phone and agree to meet next weekend instead to discuss it. This way he will not be surprised either with the breakup.
You would be surprised at how some guys can be extremely emotional when it gets to breakup so if you dont want him bitter and mean in the future make some effort to cause him less misery.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 11:42am
You know what it is going to hurt the same wether you do it over the phone or in person. You do not owe him anything. I hate when people say oh she dumped me over the phone and didn't even have the nerve to do it to my face. It hurts the same either way you chose to do it, it is going to come back on you. If your tired stay home and explain the situation over the phone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 3:57pm
I agree with mom newlysingle. Whether you dump him over the phone or in person, it will still hurt. Just explain to him how precarious it is to do the LDR thing with him. You gave it a shot and it doesn't seem to be working out. Good luck!

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Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 7:07pm

I completely disagree.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 3:50pm
I don't understand why you needed him to dump you to your face. What would have made that so much better than over the phone? He would still be breaking up with you, still telling you it wasn't working. My thing is I just don't get the big thing with oh they did it over the phone. Maybe you can reply and tell me what the difference would have been and how you would have felt better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 4:26pm
I agree with the 2 posters that said that you don't owe this person anything. As long as you do it with enough class, honesty and time before you were supposed to meet up with him. if you were meeting up with him tomorrow and just decided to break up over the phone then yeah that would be a little harsh, but if the meeting is supposed to be over the weekend, there is still time. I agree that there really shouldn't be a difference in breaking up over the phone or in person as long as you are gentle and honest about it and try to put yourself in his position and determine how you would want someone to break the news to you. If you were to meet up with him in person, spend the weekend with him and then break it off with him at the end of the awkward weekend I would think that might even be worse or if you were to go meet him and tell him right away then it would also be pretty awkward because then you would probably have to leave and go right back home again because I doubt he would want to spend the day with you after that. So either way you put it, it's probably going to be hard for him anyway. But you need to take care of yourself first and foremost and you shouldn't have to feel pressured of forced to do it in person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 5:00pm
It has to do with integrity. If the person cared about you, they would have the courage to treat you with dignity and not do it over the phone. If you have been with the person less then a month and the relationship was new, then that would be different. But when you get into four months or so, there has been an emotional and most always physical relationship. I am sorry, but to dump somebody over the phone is disrespectful. I am surprised you question why this would hurt somebodys feelings? Yes, breaking up with somebody will hurt either way. But to do it over the phone suggests the person did not care as much about you to at least do it in person. That is what would make it more difficult getting over when done over the phone.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 06-05-2006 - 6:14pm

I think I was worth the drive to say it to my face.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Tue, 06-06-2006 - 2:35am

I was broken up with not too long ago after three months of dating, and I can not even imagine how much harder it would have been had he broken up with me over the phone. For me, it would say loud and clear that he never gave a damn and that the whole relationship was a lie on his part. That would add anger, resentment and confusion to my sadness, and that sucks.

I guess if you just want to end it, you can do whatever you want, and he'll have to deal with it. But if you do care how he views the relationship and you after it's over, I'd say do it in person.

I really genuinely don't understand how anyone could not see the difference between phone and in-person break-ups. My first stupid 'boyfriend' in middle school broke up with me by having his friend tell me over the phone. To this day, it pisses me off. Is that not the lamest, most immature, most indirect way to get rid of someone?

I'm sure you won't have a friend tell him over the phone, but doing it over the phone still just feels indirect and like you're trying to make this as easy on yourself as possible. On the phone, he can't really cry and he can't really just sit and soak it in silently, as he might in person. You're putting the whole burden of the break-up on him, when at least this little part - the actual break-up - ideally would be your burden.

So, as the broken-up with one, that's how I feel. Of course, you don't really have to take his feelings into account if you don't want to, but if you do, I think you know just as well as me that doing it over the phone would add some extra hurt and maybe some extra resentment. It's nice for both of you to keep pleasant memories.

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