What do you think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
What do you think?
4
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 7:50pm

Hi All,

I am a new poster to this board, though I am a frequent poster to other ivillage boards. Feeling all of the anxiety I have today, I realized I should find a place to come post and meet some ladies in similar situations.

I have been single for a long time now - 4 years. I spent most of that time getting over a nasty breakup, but in the last 8 months I have felt ready to start over again and try to meet some people. I joined match.com, and for the most part it has gone really well! I've gone out with 15 or so guys since January, all of them normal and cute, and I feel like I have a good grasp on how to do the first and second dates now.

My problem is the third date. I've reached it several times with several different guys - and after the third date, I either never hear from them again, or they tell me they aren't interested for various reasons (someone else, too busy with work, you know the drill). Every time this happens I lose a little more confidence in myself and my ability to read guys and to tell HOW things are going.

Last Thursday I had my second date with an AMAZING guy. Cute, smart, funny, gentle, nice. I ended up staying the night at his place after dinner, though I didn't sleep with him. I only stayed because he specifically asked me to, saying that he wanted to see me there in the morning. He said other things throughout the night that led me to believe it was going well - that he wanted to see me again, would let me take him out to dinner some time, little comments like that. We parted friday morning on really good terms, and emailed a bit throughout the day. In the last email I sent him, I asked him if I could take him out some time this week. And then there was no response. He was online all day, but didn't send me anything until Sunday night. I know - only 2 days right, not a big deal. But instead of being excited about the prospect of this new guy, I felt sick and depressed all weekend because I hadn't heard from him. Finally he emailed me last night, and we decided to go out to dinner tonight. So here I am, not excited about tonight, instead dreading tomorrow and how I will feel and if I will be worried.

I know that the more insane I make myself over guys, the less likely it will be that I will find one to date. Because thinking crazy affects my attitude when I am out with them. But I am having a hard time controlling it. I think this guy likes me - but I also feel scared for how I will feel tomorrow when this date is over and I'm once again facing the prospect of a possible 4th date. I just feel so emotionally unhealthy over it! I'm so ready to date but I don't know how to deal with all of this anxiety.

Ok, that was sort of a novel. Any tips or feedback would be appreciated. I AM excited for tonight, but I'm also so afraid of rejection. Like, if he doesn't have me over again tonight, what does that mean? I have this horrible feeling that I will end up at home alone tonight feeling a little used and a lot sad.....

thanks in advance ladies.

Emily

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 8:11pm

Ok--it sounds to me like you might be taking things too fast and letting the guy set the pace--NEVER a good idea.


Unless I was just looking for a fling, there's no way I'd go to a guy's apartment on a 2nd date, let alone stay over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 8:16pm

I agree with a lot of what you say. I generally don't go home with a guy on the second (or third date) because I don't want things to move to fast. And I have never slept with a guy that I'm not in a serious relationship with, so whether or not he's grooming me to have sex with him, it isn't going to happen, and I let him know that I wasn't going to be sleeping with him any time soon well before he asked me to stay the night.

I also agree on the dating more than one guy at a time thing. I just have a really hard time doing that, mentally it is taxing! Plus I tend to like one guy more than the other which makes me feel bad for the other guy. But there is someone who asked me out again so maybe I will give him a call....

I've been with guys who I know just wanted to sleep with me, and I just didn't get that vibe from this guy. Maybe I'm wrong - I probably am, knowing my track record - but we had such a nice and emotionally fulfilling evening talking and being together, that I am really hoping I'm right about him and that he's a good guy.....

Emily

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-17-2007 - 8:37pm

Even if this guy is a good guy, he's taking things too fast by having you stay over so soon and you need to put the kabosh on that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 09-18-2007 - 4:19pm
>> They project all that onto any new woman they like without getting to know her first--then a month or two into it, when they DO get to know her and realize she's not perfect (because no one is) they pull away and/or disappear.<<

To the OP - what Sheri said here is VERY true. I have experienced this phenomenon more than once (much more). It's rarely a good sign when a guy is too ga-ga too soon. It's way too much pressure on you - because it makes you feel like you have to keep being Ms. Perfect-Wonderful and you can't really let your hair down and just be you.

My advice to you is to date multiple people, as Sheri said, and don't get too wrapped up in the third-date pressure. Just continue to be you. Eventually, someone will stick around beyond date three.

AJ, enjoying life with C.