What is he thinking???
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| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 9:15am |
I emailed my ex earlier this week. We broke up about 2 months ago after a 2 year relationship and decided that we wanted to stay friends since we had gotten to know each other so well and most of our other good friends live out of town. Our schedules have always been so different and we had missed several of each other's calls so I just emailed him to invite him to come watch my dog and I compete in our second agility trial this weekend. Here's his reply:
"Hello! How are you this week? It is beautiful outside for now but what will the weekend look like? What day and time is your agility stuff in Hutto this weekend? I would love to come see you and the little one, I guess anything to get a chance to see you naked one more time. You just let me know whats going on and I will give it a shot. I just hope you don't have to be there at 8 AM. Everything else is ok here. I am so sick of the landloard. I recieved a letter from him about the house and appliances to be fixed. He has no idea how to be a landloard and it is realy taking a toll. Anyway I look forward to seeing you again "naked" so just let me know what the plan is. Talk to you soon."
Now we had a couple strange weeks when he seemed to act like we were still dating and I made it clear to him that if we were going to be just friends there would be no more physical part of our relationship b/c I didn't want to get hurt or feel led on. He kept coming over and kissing me or wanting to fool around and I ended up breaking down and crying and really upset one day when he was over b/c of all this. We talked for a little while and he said that he didn't want to hurt me and other stuff. Since then it hasn't been a problem but now this email saying he wants to see me naked again - what's that supposed to mean???? Why does he have to be so confusing?
Trina

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As much as you may not want to hear this, it sounds to me like you need to stop being friends with him. No contact at all might be the best possibility. I think that it is really disrespectful of him to say things like that after you broke down crying about it. He knows that it bothers you and then does it anyway. That's pretty selfish behavior. You have asked him to respect your boundaries and he has completely ignored what you want and need.
Nobody needs friends like that. You wouldn't let a female friend continually treat you in a way that made you feel badly, would you? So - if he is just a friend - he needs to treat you with the same respect and kindness that you expect of all of your friends. If he is incapable of doing that, then he does not deserve the benefit of your friendship.
A bit of advice- don't try to be friends with him. If you really want to end your relationship with him, it's not fair to try to be friends with him at this point. It will just lead him on. And of course, that will confuse you more in the end. Make a clean break and give yourself time to actually end this relationship. Maybe friendship will come in the future, but doesn't sound like it's working right now.
While I agree with your premise that they should not be friends, I am a little confused by this part of your post: If you really want to end your relationship with him, it's not fair to try to be friends with him at this point. It will just lead him on.
SHE is not leading HIM on. She told him that she did not want to be intimate with him - she has not been dishonest with him. She has been fair to him - he is the one who is being completely unfair to her by completely ignoring her needed boundaries which she has already expressed to him.
Thanks for your opinions. It is so tough completely cutting all contact out. I really didn't want the relationship to end in the first place well until I found out how he really felt about everything. Everything else in the relationship seemed to go so well and then it's hard to just let it all go.
Trina
Forgive me for being blunt, but I believe that is what is needed here. There is no way anyone on here can tell you what he was thinking. None of us have ever met him. You dated him for two years, and you don't know what he is thinking. If you just want people to agree with you and say negative things about him, you have come to the right place, but that won't tell you what he was thinking. I strongly suggest you speak to him. He will have the best idea of what was going through his mind.
Several years ago I was talking with my female cousin. She was annoyed by a former lover that wanted to continue an intimate relationship. She couldn't understand why this guy thought he could still sleep with her. My response was simple. "You did it before; why shouldn't he think you'll do it again?" While your situation is different, there are similarities.
He still feels close to you. He is comfortable with you. In the past, you have been there for him. He is safe with you. He knows you. He trusts you. He knows you care about him. He is still attracted to you. Isn't it possible your rejection of him is just as insensitive as his request to be close to you?
Bottom line: talk to him - about everything (not just your emotions, but his as well)
I agree with auntjules. I don't think that you should be friends with him right now, it sounds as if you may need some time apart and him hinting around at seeing you naked and flirting with you makes it sound as though he wants the benefits of having a relationship with you without everything else that goes along with it.
What can I say? boys are dumb :)
Good points. Only thing I want to comment on is this part: "Isn't it possible your rejection of him is just as insensitive as his request to be close to you?" The problem is that I don't have a problem being close to him but we had already talked about just being friends and I discussed with him what that meant to me and that I couldn't have a casual physical relationship. I don't think it is insensitive of him to want to be close but don't tell me one week that the relationship has no passion and then a few weeks later want to sleep with me. It's just too emotionally confusing for both sides and unfair for both sides b/c we would expect different things from the other person.
I don't mean for this to come across as a rude comment back, just trying to clarify things for everyone. I'm not looking for people to bash him, I don't want my posts to seem like I'm being negative about the whole thing. I already have friends who I've gotten annoyed with for bashing him and hating him now - don't want that. Just some insight from people who've gone from a relationship to being friends, I guess.
Trina
I don't think you're coming across as mean or anything else. I wouldn't worry about that.
And, you are not leading him on if you've already talked about your relationship and the new boundaries. It seems pretty clear the two of you are not on the same page. You can either talk about it and try to get on the same page (though I'm not sure more talking will help you) or you can decide to take some time away from him and gain some perspective on the whole thing.
I'd recommend the second option if only to give yourself some time. You do care about him still and that can cloud everything more than you might be aware.
That makes sense. Easier said than done, but it definitely makes sense. I did email him back to let him know that what he said isn't cool and that it makes me more confused on what sort of relationship he really wants. I agree that we need some time apart to get over each other and I have definitely slowed down on the calling him a lot but obviously there's different things going on in each of our heads. Waiting to see how he replies and then I'll go from there I guess. Thanks again,
Trina
He's thinking about seeing you naked.
He means he wants to see you naked.
He's not confused: He knows he wants to see you naked.
Since you emailed him, he may think you're longing for him and essentially inviting it.
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