What if you really tried?

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
What if you really tried?
51
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:52pm

Do you think that if you really set your mind to meeting a great guy in a given time period, you could do it?

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:47am

You know what, though?

Avatar for filiasan
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Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 12:07pm
I guess it's much harder for someone who cares. I used to be one of those. I also guess it's harder to find anyone you really want. Good men are getting nearly impossible to find, for some more than others. But right now, I'd rather have friends, more money, and more meaning in my life than just another boyfriend who's going to try to control me or drag me down.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 12:52pm

I do agree that finding a good guy is harder now.

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Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 1:59pm

i didn't read through all 34 responses, but my first reaction to your post was "what a great idea!" i was surprised too to see most of the posts. i do believe that if we set a goal for ourselves and STICK with it, we'll achieve whatever we want. but that includes not getting discouraged by the dating scene, which understandably most of us do, and persevering. it also involves being proactive and meeting A LOT of guys, which is draining and a huge effort.

i'm like most of you on this board. i consider myself picky when it comes to guys, i get discouraged easily, and i want to throw the towel in on a daily basis. but i do think if you really want something, you can find a way to have it. look at it this way: say you're unemployed and you keep going on job interviews and keep getting rejected. do you say "that's it, i'm giving up on finding a job!"? Of course not, you keep looking.

i remember a few years back the Good Morning America and Marie Claire did this thing where they picked a single woman and gave her a year to find a husband. and she did! maybe when you approach it differently - like this is not something that's up to the fates, but in your own hands, the outcome is different...

Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:20pm

I think you summed up exactly what I meant.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:39pm

See, I truly believe that you can be pro-active all you want, but there is STILL an element of fate, luck, whatever you want to call it, that has to come into play also.

I think you increase your chances of *having* that luck if you're pro-active, but I don't think JUST being pro-active is enough. It takes BOTH being pro-active, and having that bit of luck.

I would be a large sum of money that for every woman that found a husband in a year as in the example you cite, there were at least a dozen who set that same goal, did the same things, and didn't. The difference, IMO, is luck.

And I think the amount of luck needed to succeed increases exponentially the older you are.

Sheri

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Registered: 09-05-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 3:57pm

That may be true (about luck/fate), but we have no control over that. What we do have control over is exposing ourselves to opportunities. Like you said, you have more of a chance of luck coming your way if you're out there. There's also the third element to add to the mix, which is if we're ready for it. If we're not ready or want to take a break, that's ok too. It doesn't mean that you won't meet someone while you're taking a break, but I do believe you have more of a chance if you're out there.

We've all heard the "it happens when you're not looking" saying. Here's the thing - the reason that's true is because when you're truly not looking, you have that "I don't care" attitude, which is naturally attractive to people. My problem is that when I say I'm not looking, in my mind, I'm still looking, even if I'm not trying.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:06pm

Right...that's exactly why I answered Shy's question "no", because there's an element we have no control over.

If it were *just* a matter of "really trying", I'd be married again by now!!!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:08pm

I have read a number of books over the years that insist that you can find the One in a given period of time (usually one year) if you do all these right things consistently.
And no, that has not worked for me.

I tend to be very open and friendly in everyday life, and talk to everyone. Unfortunately, that has attracted many toads who ask me out. Ay my age (45), most of the interesting, attracive men who have their act together are married and likely to stay that way, barring the wife dying or going cuckoo.

Yes, you can increase your "numbers" of people you meet, but as a matter of quality...well, let's just say that's elusive. I think it's largely a matter of luck, and unfortunately, the older we get, the rarer that is that you will be at the right place at the right time. I haven't given up hope, but choose not to bang my head against the wall with OLD, lousy fix-ups, or trying to convince myself that a boring guy who does absolutely nothing for me will "grow" on me over time. Yeah....like a fungus!! LOL I choose to live my life in a way that makes me happy, and if someone wonderful comes along, great. I have a very stressful but rewarding job, as I'm sure many here do, and I want my down time to be pleasurable, not taxing.

And I don't think most women have unrealistic standards...if anything, women aren't choosy enough, hence, many men feel they don't have to step up to the plate so to speak and become quality individuals. I think many women still believe they are nothing without a MAN, regardless of the worthiness of said man. Sad in this day and age, but true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:15pm

I think most of the women here, myself including, are merely venting here. I'm sure we are all have good attitudes, but one has to be realistic, in my opinion.

As one poster said, this is not like any other area of your life where if you do X, Y, Z....you will achieve the objective. Just doesn't work that way.

As far as attitude, I see women who are emotional messess that manage to attract good men.

Seriously, I think most of try to have a positive attiude IRL, but see this as a safe place to vent and let down our guard...nothing more, nothing less.