What if you really tried?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
What if you really tried?
51
Wed, 06-07-2006 - 6:52pm

Do you think that if you really set your mind to meeting a great guy in a given time period, you could do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:21pm

I don't think Sheri or any of the other posters said it won't happen...I think we are all trying to hava healthy blend of realism and openness. I think you can set yourself up for huge disappointment if we don't open our eyes and see things as they are.

As Sheri said, most wouldn't bother if they didn't think there was a chance.

I think the only answer is to live a full, intersting life and be happy and open...and then, yes, the rest is truly a matter of serendipity, synchronicity, or luck...however one wishes to put it.

Muire

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:28pm

"Compromise is important to an extent in relationships, but I'm not going to compromise on being myself"

Amen!! In the final analysis, isn't this what it's all about? We are fine the way we are. I'm not saying don't work on things you want to change.

But we deserve to be loved for who we are.... and who we are not. Otherwise, why bother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 4:38pm

"But we deserve to be loved for who we are.... and who we are not. Otherwise, why bother?"


And amen to that! That's a great way of putting it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 7:56pm
I agree totally with your posts muire. I do believe that you can increase your odds/chances by getting out there and gathering up the courage to talk to men and meet new people and do online dating but that still doesn't guarantee that you'll meet that quality person. Some people are super quiet, stay at home and are hermits and have met the person of their dreams and others can be as outgoing as possible (and I have done that, I've put myself in a lot of different places and I don' usually turn down invites to bbqs, happy hours, get togethers etc etc) and still have not met the one and I always make it a point to talk to someone new each time I'm at these events whether it be a woman or man. I think to a certain extent you can create your own luck but I believe A LOT of this is out of our control and has to do with how picky we are, being at the right place at the right time etc etc. Sometimes you will think that you've met someone really good/great by chance and it seems so romantic and there is good chemistry yadda yadda yadda and then that person turns out to be not the right person for you. Happened to me late last year. I really don't know the secret and will never know why others seem to find it so much easier than all of us on this board but I guess if you really want to increase your odds and chances you can do that, it may work or it may not but if you want to put it as your priority then by all means see if that happens then I guess you can at least say that you've tried but there still never is a guarantee. I think that people are usually attracted to the confident type that have an air about them that they don't need a SO in their lives and are just having a good time but are open to talking to and meeting new people. I think the best approach is to be this type of person, live your life to the fullest and have as much fun as you can without planning on or thinking that you'll meet someone if not to attract others, most importantly for yourself. Because really we cant' control when or if we'll meet that one but we can chose to be ok with it and be happy with ourselves and our lives or we can chose to be miserable.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 8:45pm

Exactly, biochic!

You know, I lurk and post on several of the boards on ivillage. I read the posts from women who treat finding a man as a SECOND full-time job. They send numerous emails, winks, etc etc. They go on several meets per week, hell, sometimes in a DAY! And you know what? Of all the people posting on these boards, I have seen maybe one or two who have met someone right for them with whom they are willing to commit to a relationship. The rest, post on a daily basis about the men who have ghosted, been evasive, or downright abusive.

It struck me today that perhaps I don't want a relationship THAT badly. I have a job that is very demanding, treating cancer patients. I don't want to add a second job to that. I am basically a happy person, I love my job, family, cat, home, and the few close friends I have. I am very friendly and well-liked. I find joy in dwelling on the beauty of nature and the eternal truths of God. Not that I am uber-religious, but I can't help but believe that God does not want me on a daily basis to be obsessed with finding a partner. True, He wants me to remain open and to live a full life and not live like a hermit.

But, hell, whatever, my age, I think I am attractive and interesting enough that I believe that I don't need to be frantic about finding Mr. Right and making it my life's mission. Again, that is just me. At 45, my childbearing years are pretty much over, so I don't hear the tick-tock of that ole biological clock. So, I don't feel the sense of urgency some of the younger women do. I respect that. There is a part of me that will always feel sad and empty that I will never know the joy of being pregnant, of feeling life growing within me. However, though I still hunger to find a partner, I know that I am more fortunate than many in that i have my health, intelligence, family, and dignity.

I guess the bottom line is how much we are willing to commit to a search that may or may not pay off.

I assert that those who make it a second full-time job may well find SOMEONE, but not necessarily one with whom they want to be with full-time.

In my case, I am very open and smile at everyone, and have asked numerous people to be on the lookout for me. I go to at least one dinner/conference per week, because I enjoy the meal, learning, and am open to the possibility of meeting someone. But gee,if I have to approach it in the way that if I don't make it a second full-time job, I'll not succeed,well, I guess I'll just be content with being single. Frankly, I just don't have the energy for al that.

Again, this is not to be critical of anyone here. We all must define our own reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 9:55pm

~~You know, I lurk and post on several of the boards on ivillage. I read the posts from women who treat finding a man as a SECOND full-time job. They send numerous emails, winks, etc etc. They go on several meets per week, hell, sometimes in a DAY!

I would argue that maintaining a positive loving relationship whether that is dating, long term or marriage, is very much like a full time job. Any stage or dating and relating takes work and effort. That doesnt stop when one lands another person as a mate. At least I hope it wouldnt.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 11:16pm

Muire, I feel very similarly and what you're saying definitely resonates with me. I often feel like I'm not sure I want a relationship *that* badly. At least not right now. There's so much good in my life as is ... more would be welcome, though, and if it comes in the form of a relationship, great. But I sure don't feel like working that hard at finding a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:50pm

I definitely believe any good relationship takes work, but to be consumed by finding a partner when it seems to happen so naturally for some, is, at least to me, wasted energy.

All the people I know in good relationships were open, active, etc., but they didn't have to go through all this stuff! They did the work when they met someone good for them....and I can tell you, in the vast majority of cases, it did NOT happen online. I've tried online on and off many times and to me it is so unnatural and forced. And just sorting through all the jokers that respond to narrow it down to a few worthwhilepeople is exhausting. I may be missing Mr. Right , but oh well. I'm not saying there aren't success stories, but they are in the minority.

I could be dead wrong in my philosophy. But then again, like I said, I must not want it badly enough to make my relationship hunt a second full-time job. But for some of the younger ones who still want children, I can certainly understand their willingness to persevere at almost any cost in terms of time, energy, even $$$.

I don't think any intelligent person would argue that relationships require a certain amount of work. And if I ever do find someone worth dating seriously ( I may well not), no one will work harder and maintaining the quality of the relationship. That kind of work I wouldn't mind.

But again, I understand everyone has different needs/beliefs. People have to define their own reality and do what is right for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 5:56pm

"Muire, I feel very similarly and what you're saying definitely resonates with me. I often feel like I'm not sure I want a relationship *that* badly. At least not right now. There's so much good in my life as is ... more would be welcome, though, and if it comes in the form of a relationship, great. But I sure don't feel like working that hard at finding a relationship right now, when there's so much other interesting stuff going on in my life! And when I look at the people I know who are happily married, they didn't "work at" finding someone. They happened to meet their spouses by chance (at least with my close friends). Or maybe it was serendipitous, or fate. But they didn't make it into a full-time job."

Exactly! Are we any less desirable or worthy than these women we know that we need to take out a billboard on a highway? I think not. Again, I'm not knocking those who make it a full-time job, but like you, I have a great life as is and if someone happens to come along in the course of my living my life, great. If not, hell, I'll still be happy.

I think if things like online had a higher success rate, I'd committ myself to it, but to me the odds of finding someone who is really a good match are only slightly higher than winning the lottery.

Sure, we all know of people who found the One this way, but heck, I know women over 45 who got pregnant, but I don't think it's likely to happen for me if I tried (just a crazy example)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 06-19-2006 - 9:31pm
I'm one of those ones that still want children. I don't think I'm that young though and I don't have too much more time, I have some but not a lot, but even being one of these ones that still want children at this point in my life, I don't feel like making the search for a relationship my 2nd job. I've tried making it my 2nd job for years, I've spent money on psychics, online dating, asked friends to set me up, gone to some singles events, put myself OUT THERE but have gotten myself in a position where I'm just drained and I feel like everything is just contrived and I don't like that feeling. No matter how much I want children, making the search my 2nd job hasn't worked for me, it has just felt so forced and it seems the more I search and want it the more frustrated and confused I get and I'm just tired. I would rather just go with the flow of my life and do the things that make me happy and online dating is not one of them and if I meet someone along the way who's the right one then great. I'm going to try to take a different more relaxed approach. When I'm out I'm not going to pressure myself to go and meet someone. I'll talk to people and be friendly but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't meet a man who I like when I go out and socialize. I'm starting to think that if I want children I can still adopt later on or maybe just volunteer for childrens' places if I can't have any of my own. I'm hoping to be able to have them in my life but I'm not going to compromise who I am and settle for someone who I'm unhappy with just to have them, besides it would be miserable for the children. Letting it go is what I'm doing. Not letting the hope go but not clutching on to finding HIM so much and focusing on other things.