what now? i already know why i'm single

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
what now? i already know why i'm single
7
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 12:46am

i'm 23 years old, and i know why i'm single. well...sort of anyway. i dont know what it's like to be in a relationship. and the longer i go without being in one, the less i can relate to people and the more distant and lonely i feel. in high school, i was artsy instead of athletic, did my own thing instead of conform, and because of that i didn't fit in - needless to say i didn't date. in college, i was popular on campus, had an active sex life, a great social life, but no boyfriends or even many guy friends at all. now, i'm well on my way to a successful career in magazines, i'm a talented artist, and i have great relationships with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. i'm happy in all other aspects of my life, but the longer i go without a boyfriend the larger the hole in heart feels. i'm not saying i "need" a boyfriend, but i want to be in a relationship. i crave companionship and i really feel like there is something missing in my life. the problem is, i have no experience...i have no frame of reference...i skipped the prologue and now i'm lost. the other day a coworker asked me what kind of guys i like, and i didn't even know what to say! its not only embarrassing, but painful to think about my lack of past relationships. i feel like i missed out on a lot growing up and i can't make up for it. it's like when you take a scantron test in school... if you forget to fill in one little circle, even if you keep going, the rest of the answers will be wrong.

i need a place to start, and i don't know where or how to do it. can anyone out there help me?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 7:37am

Hi Miss,

I can relate to being the artsy girl that doesn't fit in.

It sounds like you have actually set the stage for a man to come into your life, with a blossoming career, great friends, talent and you are happy in your life.

One thing that stood out for me is that you say you had an active sex life in college but no boyfriends. I'm assuming you were having casual hookups? Did you enjoy that, or did you feel you really wanted a boyfriend but just couldn't have one? If you have self-esteem issues regarding this, now would be the time to address this. There's no quick answer for how to do this. Counseling may be of help in this area.

You don't really say whether you have an active sex life now. If you are continuing to have casual hook ups but really want a boyfriend, I'd say hold off on the casual sex, especially if you find it demeaning.

All the best. --FG

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:31am

I'm 23 as well and my last (and only) relationship ended when I was 20. I'm sure it won't be any indicator of an adult relationship. :)

Anyway, I can also relate; I was in the marching band and cared more about school than boys. I actually do have friends that are in a similar situation as you, so don't stress about being different than everyone else or thinking you'll never get out of the funk. You will, I'm sure. You sound like a successful, intelligent, fun woman, so you have a lot going for you. As for not knowing what to do....how many guys have the exact same experience as you in their high school/college years? Having fun, having an active social and sex life without having a girlfriend. Sure, they're probably a little shaky and awkward when they eventually do get into a relationship or date, but they (most of them) get used to it and get better at it. It's like anything else, you just have to gain experience and things become easier. So try to date as much as you can and get that practice. Sometimes it's best to have those first experiences with people you only kind of sort of care about, because when you make mistakes, it doesn't seem like such a dire situation. I know I acted a little psychotic at points in my first relationship (of course I was also 19), but looking back, we were so not right for each other anyway and his dumping me is one of the best things that's happened to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 12:00pm

I was also in the artsy camp - music/theater crowd in high school and always a bit of a bookworm. So, I relate to not feeling like you fit the norm.

For finding love, though, I feel like not fitting the norm can be a good thing. You're different, unique, special. A guy who is not just looking for arm candy might just be looking for YOU, and having a hard time finding you.

I agree with others that you have laid the foundation - great career, active social life. I think it might just take placing yourself in more situations where you might meet more people. Gallery openings, business networking events (I'm in media as well, many cities have media-industry networking groups - chambers of commerce also hold monthly networking events), parties, etc.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2001
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 1:12pm

HI there. My feeling is that you are worrying too much. You are a late bloomer when it comes to having a relationship...so what? You start from exactly where you are. That is where you start. You do NOT compare with others, just start from where you are.

You are still very young. You are at the springtime of your life. It seems you have a lot going for you. I agree with Florida girl that you have set an excellent stage for being in relationship. For many, relationships do not come until later. Some much later than you. It does not mean there is something wrong with you, it just means it is later for you.

You can help yourself by reading books on it. Yes, I know books are not substitute for relationships...but you can still learn about them. I am thinking maybe the reason you didn't have a bf in college was because you didn't insist that he be your bf to have sex. Maybe you gave it away too easy without asking for anything in return.

We all have different paths and this includes you. By no means your life is not over. There is much hope for you. I feel you will be fine and sometime you'll look back and think "I worried over nothing"!

Soliel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2005
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 11:36am

I think you have done a good job. You sound like my good friend who is also your age, and she hasn't had a proper relationship because she's very successful in all other areas of life. Besides, she hasn't found anyone worth her time. That's not to say she doesn't want a relationship.

As for me, if I could do it over again, I would've held off on my relationship. I jumped into it way too quickly for all the wrong reasons and it dragged on for 5 years of my life. I wish I had spent that time doing more productive things. As much as I have learned from that relationship, I think it would have been better if I got to experience other things first before that. I also had the epiphany that guys will also seek the next best thing, so girls you must have something really unique about you to make them hold on to you. I think you're doing great in terms of being unique and having built a good foundation of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Fri, 08-24-2007 - 2:11pm

There won't be a dearth of people who will come forward and say things to make you feel nice. But when things are not going right, it's a good time to pause and introspect. Often you will find the answer.

"The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves.."




Edited 8/24/2007 2:20 pm ET by capegirardeau
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:36am

thanks for all the advice everyone... i know "my time will come" and all that, i just can't help but feel i'm missing out on something everyone else is experiencing. and believe it or not i have a number of friends lately who have started getting engaged or talking about marriage with their boyfriends, and it just makes it that much harder to believe that someday that will be me.

the night i posted this i was in a funk and not feeling so great about things. but the next night i went out for drinks with a friend, and i had a great conversation with a guy who then asked for my phone number and asked if i wanted to go out to dinner sometime. that voice in my head is still there saying nothing will happen and it won't work out, but now theres another voice just saying GO, have fun, and learn from it....