What is really the deal??
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| Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:39pm |
So the discussion came up recently about friends ditching the single girls when they become coupled or married. It seems like this happens so much with girls it's not even funny. It's quite a phenomenon because it seems to happen in all cultures and parts of the world. So my question is this..... What really happens to these women when they are no longer single? Are they less secure with themselves, therefor they identify with only there husbands? Do they get so obsessed with being a wife, that they no longer have time for their friends? It truly is an amazing thing for me, because I don't get it. I know how hurtful and bad it feels to be on the other end of the story, that I will NEVER become one of these girls. Quite frankly, I have already made this pact with a friend. Unfortunately, she did not keep her side of the bargain.
Because it seems to happen so much, why do you think this happens? I am interested to see the responses.... In my experience, those who were more confident and independent with themselves tended to not ditch their friends. So does that mean that those who do not have the best self-esteems tend to blend with their husbands too much?? I am not sure.
What do you think??

In my experience, it's not that the women choose to only hang out with their husbands - they make friends with other couples and parents instead. I think it has more to do with shared experience and common perspective among friends in the same place as life.
I have several married friends who have not ditched me. These friendships have been cultivated since grade school and high school, so I think it's the test of time that worked in these cases. We all rely on each other so much regardless of our marital or parental status.
I know I am the exception with these friends, and I count myself very lucky to have them.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I think most of the time though it's due to not having enough time to spend with a SO, friends and time for themselves to do their own thing as well as a full time job. Life is very hectic sometimes and it makes it tough to do a balancing act. I hope I don't become one of those friends who disappears after getting a boyfriend. I am seeing someone now and I can see that the dynamics of my friendships will change but there is no way that I will neglect those friendships because they are just too important to me. I don't think I"ll be able to spend as much time as I used to be able to but I'm going to do my best to make an effort to keep those friendships as strong as I can and see them as often as I can. I also have a hobby that takes up a few days of the week after work and own a condo so this can be time consuming as well with dealing with repairs, HOA meetings, etc etc. I don't like being neglected either and would never want to do this to all my wonderful single girlfriends. I tend to get over involved with everything and like to do it all so I have to watch myself in this respect even being single without a boyfriend I still find it hard to spend time with friends with my hobbies and condo and full time job.
I agree in a sense with Tallgirl that people tend to gravitate towards others that are in the same situation as they are, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make couple friends if I'm part of a couple because I already have so many great friends with whom I don't get enough time to spend with anyway. I would rather keep the friendships that i already have strong than spend a lot of time with new couple friends that I may meet along the way.
I've had this happen to me as well. I was very hurt when my friend got married and chose to hang out with only married couples. She'd only hang out with me when her husband was working late or her married friends were busy. She used to tell me the only time she had for me was after work and she had to be home before 8:00pm to feed her animals. Never Fridays or weekends. I was never invited to be a fifth wheel either. The way it was explained to me was that I had to realize that she and I didn't have much in common anymore. Her life basically changed and she was moving into her new life while mine basically stayed the same. I was told that married girlfriends no longer have time for their single girlfriends. That was how it was explained to me. It took me some time but I got over it.
Unfortuantely, this friend lost her husband and now she's calling me all of the sudden. Not that I hold a grudge but too much time has passed since I last spoke with her and I feel we no longer have anything in common. I'm still not married but basically, I don't feel like being used by her anymore.
I've had this discussion before and here's one perspective that a guy once explained to me.
For some single people, just having friends in their lives isn't fulfilling enough, they are longing for and seek out love because that is what is missing from their lives. When they do get into serious relationships, their new partner fills the role of friend and lover so they are getting everything they need out of that one person, thus reducing the need for outside friends. Basically they are getting more fulfilment out of the relationship then they are from the friendship.
Sounds, totally moronic, but when I thought about it, I could relate. When I was in a serious relationship, my boyfriend became my best friend and i spent allmy time with him. Though i had a few other friends (who weren't friends previous to him I should add), I found being with him more fun and fulfilling and as such, he took priority. Even when I did have girls' nights, afterwards, I quickly made it home to him. He was everything I needed wrapped up into one. When I was out with friends, I often missed him and couldn't wait to get back to him. When I was with him, I just felt totally content, like everything I needed was right there.
Being older and wiser, I see now how that can be detrimental and will do my best not to do that again (if I'm ever in a relationship again) but it is very easy to slip into.
It's kinda like how often would you go to the bank if you had an ATM right in your living room. Sure you may go one in awhile, but not nearly as often because that need is being taken care of in house. Take away the ATM and yeah, your back at the bank.
When we are single, we simply have more free time.