What is really the deal??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2006
What is really the deal??
9
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:39pm

So the discussion came up recently about friends ditching the single girls when they become coupled or married. It seems like this happens so much with girls it's not even funny. It's quite a phenomenon because it seems to happen in all cultures and parts of the world. So my question is this..... What really happens to these women when they are no longer single? Are they less secure with themselves, therefor they identify with only there husbands? Do they get so obsessed with being a wife, that they no longer have time for their friends? It truly is an amazing thing for me, because I don't get it. I know how hurtful and bad it feels to be on the other end of the story, that I will NEVER become one of these girls. Quite frankly, I have already made this pact with a friend. Unfortunately, she did not keep her side of the bargain.

Because it seems to happen so much, why do you think this happens? I am interested to see the responses.... In my experience, those who were more confident and independent with themselves tended to not ditch their friends. So does that mean that those who do not have the best self-esteems tend to blend with their husbands too much?? I am not sure.

What do you think??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:08pm

In my experience, it's not that the women choose to only hang out with their husbands - they make friends with other couples and parents instead. I think it has more to do with shared experience and common perspective among friends in the same place as life.

I have several married friends who have not ditched me. These friendships have been cultivated since grade school and high school, so I think it's the test of time that worked in these cases. We all rely on each other so much regardless of our marital or parental status.

I know I am the exception with these friends, and I count myself very lucky to have them.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 3:57pm
I touched on this on a previous post, Being Exlcluded, I think it was titled. In short, I think there are a multitude of reasons why some of our girlfriends seem to vanish after marriage. I have been lucky enough to hold on to a few married friends so, I think that there is hope. One thing to consider is, not all people have the capability to maintain several relationships at once. I realize that seems strange but I beleive it is true. My own mother has never really had a true girlfriend. Even when she was close with certain women from church or work for example, the dynamics were different from what I have experienced personally. I think she exerts so much energy on her husband and family (extended family as well) there just isn't much energy left for anyone else. Maybe some people realize their own limitations and know when that cup is full. Perhaps they realize that there would be even more hurt and frustration if they were to take on more than they can actually handle. We are not robots, after all. Not all are made alike. That is easy to forget.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:19pm
I believe sometimes it does have something to do with insecurities and women wanting to spend all their spare time with their husbands for fear that things won't work if they dont' keep on giving of themselves and their time.
I think most of the time though it's due to not having enough time to spend with a SO, friends and time for themselves to do their own thing as well as a full time job. Life is very hectic sometimes and it makes it tough to do a balancing act. I hope I don't become one of those friends who disappears after getting a boyfriend. I am seeing someone now and I can see that the dynamics of my friendships will change but there is no way that I will neglect those friendships because they are just too important to me. I don't think I"ll be able to spend as much time as I used to be able to but I'm going to do my best to make an effort to keep those friendships as strong as I can and see them as often as I can. I also have a hobby that takes up a few days of the week after work and own a condo so this can be time consuming as well with dealing with repairs, HOA meetings, etc etc. I don't like being neglected either and would never want to do this to all my wonderful single girlfriends. I tend to get over involved with everything and like to do it all so I have to watch myself in this respect even being single without a boyfriend I still find it hard to spend time with friends with my hobbies and condo and full time job.
I agree in a sense with Tallgirl that people tend to gravitate towards others that are in the same situation as they are, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make couple friends if I'm part of a couple because I already have so many great friends with whom I don't get enough time to spend with anyway. I would rather keep the friendships that i already have strong than spend a lot of time with new couple friends that I may meet along the way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 4:37pm

I've had this happen to me as well. I was very hurt when my friend got married and chose to hang out with only married couples. She'd only hang out with me when her husband was working late or her married friends were busy. She used to tell me the only time she had for me was after work and she had to be home before 8:00pm to feed her animals. Never Fridays or weekends. I was never invited to be a fifth wheel either. The way it was explained to me was that I had to realize that she and I didn't have much in common anymore. Her life basically changed and she was moving into her new life while mine basically stayed the same. I was told that married girlfriends no longer have time for their single girlfriends. That was how it was explained to me. It took me some time but I got over it.

Unfortuantely, this friend lost her husband and now she's calling me all of the sudden. Not that I hold a grudge but too much time has passed since I last spoke with her and I feel we no longer have anything in common. I'm still not married but basically, I don't feel like being used by her anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:00pm
That's a horrible thing to say to one of your friends. This is not a real friend at all. Sure lives change when someone gets married or is a part of a couple to a certain degree and time spent lessens to some degree, but it doesn' mean that you stop hanging out with someone if that person is important to you. You don't tell someone that life has changed therefore you can't be a friend to that person or spend any time on the weekends with them unless you want that person to stop talking to you for good. No one wants to be "pencilled in" to someone's schedule.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 6:55pm

I've had this discussion before and here's one perspective that a guy once explained to me.

For some single people, just having friends in their lives isn't fulfilling enough, they are longing for and seek out love because that is what is missing from their lives. When they do get into serious relationships, their new partner fills the role of friend and lover so they are getting everything they need out of that one person, thus reducing the need for outside friends. Basically they are getting more fulfilment out of the relationship then they are from the friendship.

Sounds, totally moronic, but when I thought about it, I could relate. When I was in a serious relationship, my boyfriend became my best friend and i spent allmy time with him. Though i had a few other friends (who weren't friends previous to him I should add), I found being with him more fun and fulfilling and as such, he took priority. Even when I did have girls' nights, afterwards, I quickly made it home to him. He was everything I needed wrapped up into one. When I was out with friends, I often missed him and couldn't wait to get back to him. When I was with him, I just felt totally content, like everything I needed was right there.

Being older and wiser, I see now how that can be detrimental and will do my best not to do that again (if I'm ever in a relationship again) but it is very easy to slip into.

It's kinda like how often would you go to the bank if you had an ATM right in your living room. Sure you may go one in awhile, but not nearly as often because that need is being taken care of in house. Take away the ATM and yeah, your back at the bank.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 7:04pm
I guess I just find it really sad to be honest. Yes, being single can be very hard. But it is also a blast. I would not be the strong and independant person I am right now, if I were to have gotten married a long time ago. I understand that desire for a mate that doesn't fulfill me, but compiments me in ways that I long to be with him. But that idea that only one person fulfills me seems a little too codependant and I see a lot of women get into that. That's what I find a little disheartening. Because to your point, not only do you do yourself a diservice, you're also affecting so many other people in your life, too. Probably in ways they can't even fathom...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 11:50pm
I did it while in a dating relationship when I was younger. I devoted all my time to him. And the reason was because he needed constant reassurance and attention because of his low self-esteem. I sunk so low trying to bring him up that eventually I just had enough and got out. I had lost all my friends in the meantime. Since then and for the future, I have vowed that I will not lose my friends again, even after my boyfriend and I marry.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 1:36pm

When we are single, we simply have more free time.