What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
What would you do?
9
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 6:55pm
In Jr. high I had a crush on a boy. We never dated, went our seperate ways in high school, after high school (yrs past) and then had our 25 yr high school reunion. When I saw him he and I confessed we both had crushes on each other. We hung out little that night but he left with another women. Fast forward to two years later; he walks into my office (R.E) looking for an apartment to rent. We get to know each other again over casual conversation. I found him a place to rent. We end up chatting on the phone going out for dinner and then nothing. I called him, asked him to a party, he accepted (this was a year ago today almost to the day). We had a great time. But then, no call from him. I run into him again at a holiday party and he ends up driving me home; crashing at my house in my bed (but nothing happens at all). And then, you guessed it, no call. So, I let it go. In September (of this year) I called to see if he needed his lease renewed. We chatted but he offered to call me back later, which he did. We went ou to dinner, then watched some T.V. a movie and then he left. But before leaving was open about why he hasn't hit on me. He claims it's because he known me for so many years he doesn't want to start something he's not ready for. BTW, he's divorced. So I tell him that's fine, but there is no reason why we can't hang out and have dinner from time to time. He agrees. So, a few weeks later I call him to just say hello, nothing. Now comes the hard part. I ran into him the night of my fathers funeral. Clearly I was a mess. He didn't know of my fathers passing. He was with friends and when I approached him he announced to his friends that "we were in love". Completely thrown by his comment and feeling very vulnerable I told him that my father passed away. He asked why i didn't call him and then went to his dinner table. I wrote him off after that. But of course I had to run into him a day later (after not seeing him for years on end he seems to be everywhere now). Still no mention or sincere condolences regarding the death. This past Sunday, my phone rang and it was him. I did not pick up the phone and he did not leave a message. My question (and sorry it took so long to get to it) is WTF???? There is a good chance I will see him in two weeks. Do I return the call or wait to run into him to ask him WHAT IS UP?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 10:59am
He's a casual acquaintance/friend, and I'd treat him as such.


Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 11:07am

Up until that last instance, you were the one contacting him.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 11:43am
I personally wouldn't persue anything with him. I'm sure there's a good explanation as to why he has not been available to you and if I were you, I'd be glad that's he's had enough sense to keep his distance. As for professing his love in front of all his friends, could he have been drinking? I know that some say the truth comes out when you drink but I don't always think that's the case. I think alcohol makes one more impulsive but just because one speaks without thinking doesn't always make it fact. I don't mean to hurt your feelings. I just know from experience that when I really like someone, I rationalize their actions in order to convince myself that something is there when it's not. Never say never but he just sounds dangerous to me. I wouldn't play with fire.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 2:46pm
Hi, I didn't think he was serious about the "we're in love" statment b/c clearly we are not, I just think it's odd that he would say that (he's done it twice now), I think it's a nervous thing. Who knows. Based on the response here, I'm going to let it go. If he's interested he'll call again. I don't even know if I'm interested anymore. Just wanted another opinion on his actions. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 8:28am

Honestly I would have written him off after the second time he didn't follow through. You seem to always be calling him and inviting him out. Lets be honest you don't want to have a friend to hang out with and go to dinner with, you are attracted to him, so you are hoping that if you go the friend route he'll realize how much he likes spending time with you and it will develop further into something more. RED FLAG!!! Don't approach relationships this way, if he were really interested in either a friendship or more he'd be calling and pursuing you.

I think you should let this one go, seriously. Don't call him back he didn't leave you a message, I have caller ID but I pretend it's the good old days when Caller ID didn't exist, if you don't leave a message, it obviously wasn't important and you weren't really that worried about me calling back.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 10:36am

Hi Lovinhockey,

I was surprised to see your sign in name, since hockey is this guy's life (pretty much). Ironic. Thanks for the note, my thoughts exactly. Have a good thanksgiving. Faye

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Thu, 11-23-2006 - 5:00pm

from a slightly different angle, the last straw for me was his lack of response to your father's demise. I lost my father unexpectedly over 7 years ago and this has impacted my life tremendously. In my search for the next Mr. Right or even for new friends, their ability to attempt to understand something so significant is an absolute in my life. That this guy only asked you why didn't you call him and then did not express any condolence in any way, shape or form, ...that's low for me and a big red flag.

sorry for the loss of your dad in the midst of this tumultous friendship/relationship. It must be tough. You may reflect on this many a time to come.

I know some will say that I'm harsh for being so tough on him for his lack of response (ie, maybe he was uncomfortable, etc), but until one has been in the shoes of someone who has lost someone close to them, such as a parent, then no one can even imagine. And, this behavior, a lack of response to something so important, well, that's a red flag for me.

good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2006
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 10:29am
You are right. It is a big red flag. I think my dad's spirit had something to do with the run in's during the midst of everything. "His" way of saying, this guy's not worth it. There is a good chance I'll run into him this coming Friday night (at a local party). It will be interesting to see how he reacts towards me. Thanks for your support, it has been a very difficult time (especially these last few days).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:36pm

Yes, Thanksgiving is a tough one, esp if you were close. I thought of my Dad this weekend, and although we (Mom, bro and I) have adjusted, we will always miss him. Feel free to reach out anytime, there are many who feel for you. You are not alone and remember this, you will likely find unexpected support from folks or things that will be a pleasant surprise.

I wish you well.