What would you do?
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| Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:08pm |
So I'm kind of seeing this guy that e-mailed me through MySpace. We've been talking for about a month now, and met a couple of weeks ago. We've had some awesome dates, we really enjoy each others company, he's made it clear that he does like me, he has also said that he is not in a position to get into a serious relationship right now. He works and he's finishing up law school, the bar exam is coming up, he was in 3 back-to-back relationships and he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing. He was honest and told me that he has gone out with another girl a couple of times (they met right around the time him and I did) and he said "I'm not going to lie, I'm probably going to go out with her again, and I don't want to keep you in the dark about anything, I want to be open and honest with you."
I appreciate that, I really do, because most guys could just keep me in the dark about this, and I could think I'm the only person he's seeing. He also said that he doesn't plan on having intercourse with anyone until he's seeing them exclusively, and I feel the same way, but well, we got carried away the other night and ended up having sex. That doesn't mean that we're serious, and we had a talk after and I made it clear that I was not going to be a FWB for him, and I'd still like to see him, but it's not just going to be about sex.
The other day, we went out, and he came to my house to pick me up, and met my mom and my sister (for the record, I don't bring guys home to meet my family, I did it once and that was it), and we were hanging out here for a little while, and went out to dinner and then back to his place, and we fooled around again.
The thing is, he doesn't act like he's just in it for sex, and he's made it clear that he does like me and likes how things are going, and swears to me that I am the ONLY person he has slept with in the past 3 months and he felt bad about not telling me that he messed up and had a cigarette the other day (he's trying to quit).
How do you keep things fun and light in order to see where things might go without having these feelings like "well if he's only sleeping with me, then why is he still out there seeing people?". A friend of mine is in the following situation, and they're able to make it work, they are only sleeping with each other but at the same time, if there is someone that she would like to go out with, then she will. How would you handle this? It hasn't even been a month so I don't want to lay down the "exclusivity" talk yet, I'm not ready for it either! I just need to learn how to push my nagging thoughts down because this is really my first time "dating" and I think that taking things slow is good for me too, because I do get attached quickly and want to stop that.




Good luck with that...if you figure out how to do that, you'll have to patent the secret...you'll be a rich woman ;-).
I honestly don't mean to be glib, I just don't think what you want to do is possible for most women...once sex is involved, the emotional attachment is pretty much inevitable. Your friend is very much the exception if she's able to do what she's doing and truly stay detached. And that is why, IMO, it's an oxymoron to say that you are "taking things slow" if you're sleeping together.
Besides, what is there to "take slow"? If he doesn't want to be in a relationship, sex and companionship (i.e., what you have now) is all that it's ever going to be. Are you not looking for anything more serious yourself?
Sheri
If sex wasn't so darn pleasurable, we wouldn't ever get ourselves into these messes.
I'm not seeing anyone else but it's more because there's no one that interests me at the moment. Now my biggest problem is what I have all of my friends telling me..."he SAYS he's only sleeping with you, but I'm sure he's telling the other girls he's with the same thing" and I can't stand that I'm letting all of these doubts in my head. My gut says to trust him and believe what he says, but when everyone is telling me all of these other things, I just want to ask him "are you sleeping with anyone else?" but I've asked him and he has told me that no, I'm the only one, and I don't want to ask him again and again because then I'll be the girl that comes off as jealous and insecure.
I know what I have to do, tell him that it's not right that we're sleeping together if we're not together exclusively, but I don't want him to think that I'm trying to force him into committing to me or anything, because I'm not, and I would like to see where things MIGHT go with him, we do enjoy each other....I'm just so lost. It's as if I don't want to tell him because he'll stop seeing me, but at the same time, I need to respect myself and my values and what I need from a person...
It comes down to whether you trust him or not.
Thanks Shy :) Basically I'm going to tell him this:
"To me, saying we're going to take things slow and then having sex don't go together, and I like you, I want to keep seeing you, but I think we need to hold off on sex. I don't want you to think I'm trying to push you into something or give you an ultimatum, because I'm not, I just don't want to rush things"
Damn, I had it worded perfectly a few minutes ago :)
That sounds fine, except it doesn't get at the core issue, which to me is that you are hoping that maybe, just maybe, he will change his mind about wanting a serious relationship once he gets to know you and realizes how great the two of you are together. But that's very unlikely to happen...he's made that clear to you. Even if you stop having sex, that's not going to change the fact that he doesn't want one, so even if you wait to having sex again for a month or two, you'll still face the same issue.
Sheri
If you feel like you're doing anything less than respecting yourself and your values, you need to stop it. It sounds like you've already made up your mind on what to say but I think you need to include that in how you say it. Moving too fast with someone you're exclusively dating is one thing, moving too fast with someone who's admitted to seeing others is a different bag altogether.
I have a huge issue with action matching word and though you both agree it wasn't what you'd planned, this guy still seemed to say all the right things to be convincing and still got you into bed. I know it takes two and I have no doubt you've thought about that, too but if you truly feel you can trust someone, that trust should happen from the start.
I'm glad you're telling him how you feel and doing right by you. You have to protect yourself emotionally in this because someone who's dating others is not invested in your feelings. I hope you get a chance to do it sooner than later because, being a girl, I know how we can let things simmer in our heads and lose sleep over them. And my goodness, don't let this occupy your mind during your vacation. ;-)