What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
What would you do?
10
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 5:21pm

A guy I dated about three maybe four years ago has started talking to me again.  Keep in mind that I hadn't spoken to him since he left his friends & family to be with the "love of his life" two states away.  Well, long story short, there's trouble in paradise.  He's not happy & he's having regrets.  Apparently they are both unhappy now.  He said things changed between the two of them since he got back from Iraq.  Sex has become non-existant, she blames him if she is running late for class (she's in college to be a veterinarian), they sleep in separate bedrooms, and she won't help him pay the bills or come up with a budget to pay bills.  According to him, they've talked about trying to make the relationship work but she hasn't been willing to make it work.  His words of course.  And now he is talking to me again & told me he wished he hadn't moved to be w/her.  He says he wishes he had me back & realizes the mistake he made, he wishes he had my life, etc.  Honestly, I'm not a concilation prize.  He's the one who chose to move away from friends & family to go be w/her.  And now he's unhappy?!  I will continue to be his friend but I am treading carefully & proceeding w/caution. 

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 5:39pm

~hugs~

I would tell him you aren't Second Best!...or (Number) # 2 or the Fall-Back Woman, etc.

You are the very best he ever had...:)...Sucks to be him...Stupid for letting you go in the first place...funny how it's her fault!

"Cry me a River" I would tell him Wish!

You are too good for him and he is not good-enough for you...;)...

<3

Lorie

Nightangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 6:03pm
It IS his loss! I feel like telling him, "here's a quarter, call someone who cares because my give a damn is busted!" I gues he thinks I will fall for his BS.
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 6:23pm

  After reading thru your post this caught my eye.

"Honestly, I'm not a concilation prize.  He's the one who chose to move away from friends & family to go be w/her. "

It seems that you have some bitterness.  This is a fish or cut bait issue.  Many people when going thru a bad emotional time think about the past as if it was all so good back then.  It never was a paradise.  Plus he is not the same person.  Relationships evolve and the things one thought were acceptable four years ago aren't now.  Your choice is to be a friend and tell him it will be platonic. 

  It reads that he is emotionally vulnerable.  I myself would say that keeping it at arms length is the wises course.  He is not thinking/emotionally straight.  If you are afraid that he(or you) would become emotionally re-engaged then perhaps this is not the best thing to be involved in.

 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 6:45pm

I too, get the same impression that he is emotionally vulnerable.  And honestly, I don't want to re-engage again.  I will be his friend but how to tell him it will be no more than that?  He told me yesterday that he knows things won't change & that he's given up on the relationship, but it won't stop him from flirting w/me.  Really?  when he said that I told him I was tired & going to bed.  Oh I forgot to mention, they have a son together, too. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 12-04-2012 - 7:01pm
You ask what I would do? The same thing you are doing . . . being his friend, keeping my wits about me, treading very carefully and proceeding with extreme caution.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 6:56am

wishful78 wrote:
<p>A guy I dated about three maybe four years ago has started talking to me again.  Keep in mind that I hadn't spoken to him since he left his friends &amp; family to be with the "love of his life" two states away.  Well, long story short, there's trouble in paradise.  He's not happy &amp; he's having regrets.  Apparently they are both unhappy now.  He said things changed between the two of them since he got back from Iraq.  Sex has become non-existant, she blames him if she is running late for class (she's in college to be a veterinarian), they sleep in separate bedrooms, and she won't help him pay the bills or come up with a budget to pay bills.  According to him, they've talked about trying to make the relationship work but she hasn't been willing to make it work.  His words of course.  And now he is talking to me again &amp; told me he wished he hadn't moved to be w/her.  He says he wishes he had me back &amp; realizes the mistake he made, he wishes he had my life, etc.  Honestly, I'm not a concilation prize.  He's the one who chose to move away from friends &amp; family to go be w/her.  And now he's unhappy?!  I will continue to be his friend but I am treading carefully &amp; proceeding w/caution. </p>

What would I do?  Leave him be until he's out of that relationship and out of that living arrangment.

One thing I've learned to understand in my almost 53 years is that no one will make a decision about leaving a bad situation as long as there is a "friend" they can use as a pressure release valve.  They will divert energy they need to be using to make the break and direct it towards that "friend", and that in turn makes the situation they won't extracate themselves from tolerable.

The only way they can feel the uncomfortable-ness of their situation is to be locked in the room, the door barred and the windows nailed shut.  Which means: until he's broken off with this woman for good, your phone contact and "shoulder to cry on" needs to be withdrawn.  He realizes he made a mistake, but yet, he hasn't moved out and let her fend for herself.  And really, all you seem to have to go on is what he's telling you: what about her side of things? There are always 3 sides to a story: his, hers and the truth.  And I"m willing to bet that his girlfriend is no where near being the horrible beast he's making her out to be. If he's trying to test the waters with you, of course he's going to make it sound like it's the biggest mistake of his life---thing is, what has he done to gain his independence from that situation?

Talk is just that: talk. When he puts some action behind that talk and has moved out, then is when you can be his friend.  Right now, he's in a situation he chose to get into and is choosing to remain in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:36am

I totally agree.  I'm going to distance myself from him because I don't want to be in the middle of all his drama.  He told me last night he was booking a flight back home.  So I told him how excited he must be to see his family since he hasn't seen them in a while.  Then he replied back with, "you have a couch I can crash on Friday night?"  Wait, what?!  I told him no.  So he said, "I promise I won't move in.  I'll leave first thing that Saturday morning."  I told him that I will not & cannot let him crash on my couch.  And there is no guarantee that anyone would be here to let him in on Friday anyway.  I told him I wasn't his only friend that lives in the area & could he not stay with other friends (or better yet) his family!  He said probably so.  

I'm not going to speak to him anymore.  He made his decission & he needs to live w/the choice he made.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 12:41pm
I think it's better that you not be his friend and simply stop talking to him. He is an emotional train wreck and his sucky situation is his own fault. You are not his back up plan nor is it your job to pick up the sad pieces of his life. If you leave the door of friendship open you'll just get more sucked into his drama and more annoying requests to crash on your couch. So what do you tell him? That you've moved on and you hope he can do the same.
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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 6:49pm

  How to tell him:

  Look X i am not interested in having you bend my ear with the whining.  Do something about your situation.  It is depressing to hear all problems,all of the time.

  However,I do stand by what I said earlier.  IMO you too need to let go of the negative bitterness over him choosing her rather than you.  I suggest help overcoming this so it does not influence you life.  For all of us being human, not everything is going to work out.  No matter how it started.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 11:56pm

Sounds a lot like he is looking for the next place to flop. Like he hopes he can take up where he left, glad you don't want to be his rebounder.

Huge red flag that he wants to flop on your couch. You are were so smart to tell him no.