what's changed in the single/dating life

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
what's changed in the single/dating life
8
Sun, 07-20-2003 - 11:34pm
What's changed in the single/dating life, in the past 10 years??? thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 11:11am
I think that depends on your age.

I know that dating in your 40s and beyond isn't too much different, since we're in the same generation. But I've found that the men are far more spoiled at this age, and it can become a battle of wills (not necessarily wits). I've not given up on men, but I'm far more wary of what they tell me.

My XH and I were 4 yrs apart in age, but poles apart in value systems (though he led me to believe otherwise). He basically wanted a mommy and not a wife--someone who'd forgive him ANYthing (including illegal drug dealing!) and still love him. Myself, I really didn't want to contend w/someone who had the potential of landing me in the slammer, thereby losing my 20-yr federal pension, and overall ruining my life forever. It just wasn't "me"...

Ash

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 11:38am
IMO, the biggest change is how acceptable and mainstream online dating has become. And thank goodness...I'm able to meet men I never would have met in a million years through more traditional methods.

Sheri

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 07-21-2003 - 1:43pm
I agree that online dating has become more acceptable than it was ten years ago. I also think that people are a whole lot more open about sex now than they have ever been. I'm all for openness to a point. I don't want to hear about my cashier's sex life while checking out (yes, that did happen to me). I also think that a lot more people are dating for dating's sake and not just to find a spouse. Whether that's just come about in the past ten years or not, I don't know. I've only been dating for ten years!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 1:46am
That's true. I hear a lot of people say to get out and date, like it's supposed to be a hobby. The ultimate purpose is to find a life mate, at least in my opinion.

What I've noticed the most is that the age at which a woman has her first date seems to be climbing higher and higher. (I'm 19 and I've never even met a guy for coffee or smoothies, let alone dinner and a movie.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 8:08am
What part, if any of that experience do you take responsibility for - did he change between the time you got engaged to him and married him? Did he never use drugs before you married? He never acted like he wanted a mommy until after the wedding? What about your experience led you to generalize about all men? I have met and gone on one date with several men who mentioned on the first date that they still smoked pot occasionally and were in their mid to late 30's- I didn't even have to ask, it just comes up if you're really "listening" to the types o topics they like to talk abut, what their friends are like from teh descriptions, etc. - I never went on a second date with any of them - there also were several men I met on line who mentioned ont he phone that they used drugs occasionally - no matter what I wouldn't meet them.

I am not saying I'm "better" - what I am saying is that I listen very closely for character flaws that are deal breakers for me - ultra negativity, a temper, misognyn, drug use, etc - I miay have screened out some nnice people but that's fine with me - what it does mean, I'm happy to say is that at age (almost) 37 I am not jaded or cynical, I genuinely like men, I've generally been treated well and even wonderfully - and I'm reasonably attractive - nothing amazing - I just silently demand good treatment, keep my head on straight early on so I don't have blinders on, and that apporach has seemed to work pretty well for me in the last 20 years. I would say that when it comes to finding men of the highest character and integrity to date and also to be friends with - I score! No, I can't say the same about level of attractiveness - but then, the "stud" or "macho" guys who work out all the time never really appealed to me. (not sayin gthey did to you, either).

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 9:42am
Actually, who I was dealing w/was a true con artist. Did he change between the time we courted and after the wedding? Yes, tremendously so. He did the occasional pot smoke til I asked him to stop; I knew his son had some drug problems--he had told me, though not to the extreme that I found out much later on--and I felt his pot use was enabling son. I never dreamed the 2 of them were moving coke...And let's don't talk about his sexual swinging, or his "alternative lifestyle," as he called it--not that I ever participated in it, it made me too ill to think about it.

In essence, XH wore the right "mask" for the occasion, and since I was fairly new on the dating scene--I had lost over 100 lbs and was re-socializing--now I realize I was very naive about his character, and he took full advantage of it. What I believed was his "boyishness" was immaturity; what I thought was creative license on inconsequential issues was grotesque lying on the significant ones. The worst part of it was that he led me to believe we had similar values, when it turned out we were poles apart on that score. So what he said, what he did, and what he meant were 3 totally different things. And since he's a minister, that's his trump card--and that's why it took me so long to understand what was going on, b/c how could a PRIEST be capable of...? Well, very easily, as things turned out.

My therapist tells me that perhaps I had to travel this tumultuous route to bring me to where I am now in life, including my new home. I tend to agree w/that, since I'm so happy and so at peace in my home now; I literally love that home like I've never loved a home in my life. So perhaps that terrible experience wasn't entirely for nothing.

So, to answer your ?, do I take responsibility for the marriage's demise? I have to say no--b/c he owed me The Truth, and when I asked ?s, he went to deliberate and extravagant lengths to hide it. So now--boy, am I gonna keep my eyes open...

Ash




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 10:57am
I am sorry you had this experience - I never have - partly luck and partly a very strong sense of self and partly that I can easily find out the truth - the men I have been seriously involved with typically had people in common with me - even my ex fiancee who I met through a personal ad. I never had to do any investigation, but I could have. I know you're going to be careful - my advice - occasional pot smoking likely is some sort of red flag. But I think you know that. all the best to you and I hope that experience doesn't lead to cynicism or jadedness on your part - many men - just like many women - are people of integrity and character and compassion. A few bad apples should not ruin that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 12:38pm
some notable changes...

-a lot more women approaching men now.

-guys are trying a lot harder to look good. (gym, skin care, etc.)

-women are paying for more dates.

-women are becoming more picky about how a guy looks.

-a nice sports car won't get you anywhere anymore.

-stalking is no longer romantic.

-there's a lot more interacial dating now.

-people are trying not to pick up in bars anymore.

-women are becoming more muscular... (not sure what this has to do with dating, but i just wanted to throw that in)

-the stereotype that all men want is sex is more prevalent than before.

-i don't know if its true, but i think people are more educated about sex, now.

-people don't seem to be dating as much?