What's going on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
What's going on here?
12
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 9:20pm
I need advice/opinions. I have been involved with a guy that I've known for about three years. We were good friends and we recently started dating. We've seen each other roughly ten times--basically dated for about a month. Here's the problem. That was a couple of months ago, and while we've talked to each other a few times, he's been quite busy and there was a tragedy in his family and we haven't had time to see each other. Now I'm starting to wonder if what he's really doing is distancing himself from me--trying to dump me without actually dumping me. I've had guys that I've dated for months just disappear on me before. I'm afraid that the same thing is happening again. Does anyone know what is behind this behavior? My opinion is that men who do this are cowards--afraid to face hurting someone so they opt just to stop calling cold turkey. Either that or they discover they have actual feelings for the other person and they can't deal with it. Or maybe they're just jackasses. In any case, I'm getting upset and I think I deserve SOME kind of explanation--especially if it's someone who was a good friend before. If it had just been one or two dates and we didn't know each other well, I would let it slide. But this isn't okay with me. I've tried to contact him but have received no response in the last week. What is going on?? And if anyone that reads this has just bailed on someone like this before or know someone who's done this before, I'd really like an honest answer. Because most of the time (and in this case), during these relationships, things are going really well. And then suddenly, the guy is gone for no reason that I can figure out. Help!

Pages

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 08-13-2007 - 9:44pm

I've never understood why guys will ghost like this, either, and I don't know that I ever will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2006
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 3:11pm
I think it's a combination of all the options you posted. I have had 2 guys do this to me, one came back saying he didn't think he wanted to be in a relationship, but now does!! I don't get the behavior either!! It sucks!!
Amie
Amie Choiniere Office Manager~Mom~Domestic Goddess~Student~Wine Lover~Girlfriend~Gardener~Decorator~Vinyl Wall Lettering Queen!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 5:40pm

I've had a number of men do this, unfortunately. Even in the face of a family tragedy, I do feel the guy could make an effort to at least send an e-mail or two, especially in reply to yours. After a couple of months, I feel like the tragedy might be a fallback excuse (unless it was the loss of someone very close to him, in which case he may just be having a hard time surviving right now - let alone dating).

At first glance, I would say he is pulling a ghosting routine.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 6:08pm
I had that happen to me recently. Went out on a few dates with who I thought was a terrific guy I could have a relationship with, who called me and made a real effort to see me, and then suddenly disappeared. We went out one night, had a fun date, good conversation, and then he just never called or emailed again. I'd say that unless he's dead or in a coma, he crossed paths with an ex he's still in love with or went out with someone else and decided to pursue a relationship with her instead. It's really crappy that they don't have the guts to even just email you and say sorry, this isn't for me. It's like you're just supposed to forget their existance. I still feel a little weird over this guy vanishing on me just because he told me so much about himself and made plans for the following week and then just, poof, he was gone. In your case it's worse though because you knew this guy before and considered him a friend. That just makes it even more insulting. And, even with a tragedy, I believe that if someone is really into you and values you they'd want to keep you around to help them get through tough times and think about the future, not push you out of their life.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 6:14pm

From reading people's posts on guys ghosting, it seems a common excuse is that a family member or friend has experienced a "tragedy" and the guy is called away to help. Another one that seems to crop up often is the work excuse.

I find it hard to buy either. I don't buy the work excuse especially unless he is someone who travels a lot and that needs to be established up front.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-14-2007 - 6:26pm
Men would rather cut their own finger off that admit to a girl that he just doesn't want to be with her. They are scared. I've had many men do the same. Once a guy even made up a whole story about moving away and we'd only hung out a couple of times. Men have a knack for hooking you, reeling you in, and then throwing you back in the water.
Also, in tragedy you turn to the people you care about the most for comfort, not push them away. Thats an excuse. It only takes 5 minutes out of a day to say hello. He has time. Find a man worth your time. You're too good for this girl!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 9:28am

I've had this happen to me with just about every guy Ive ever dated and in talking to girlfriends about it and exchanging stories it seems that 9 out of 10, they've met someone else. Someone they'd rather pursue and spend time with.

If you haven't outright confronted him about it, I'd just let it go, don't call him anymore and move on. If he really cared about you and your feelings, he'd shed some light on what was really going on. Otherwise, why be bothered by a man that can't be bothered?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:30pm

>>I find it hard to buy either. I don't buy the work excuse especially unless he is someone who travels a lot and that needs to be established up front.<<

UGH. I am going through this now with a guy - he's giving me both the work and family excuses. No tragedies yet, just weddings and needing to "help his folks." He's getting the boot today - I'm done.

I did date a guy who traveled M-F for his job, and HE actually made an effort to see me in spite of his crazy schedule -- so I don't buy it either. If you really like someone, you make time.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 8:53pm
I guess I should add that he HAS actually emailed me--but that was a little over a week ago. I don't know. I guess I just feel like I want him to try to make plans with me--especially since I don't think he's that busy this week. I'm also the type of girl who just says how she feels and says what she wants. I'm not a game-player. Sometimes I think that turns men off. They want me to pretend to be something I'm not. The guy I'm seeing has never seemed like he was much of a game-player either. I guess the silence on his end is starting to get to me since I've been used to getting emails from him every other day. I don't like playing hard to get exactly but I'm not the clingy, needy type either. I give him PLENTY of space, I don't call him every day, I don't email him all the time, but sometimes I do say "Hey, do you want to go get a drink or go to dinner?", so I don't know if that's a mistake or not. Do all men want to make the first move in everything all the time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:54pm

Sadly enough some men..not saying ALL...but SOME...just think by disappearing out of your life...it's taking the easy way out and not having to face issues.

I've been through it more times, then I care to recall.

All I honestly say...is be strong. Maybe it's best that you know now what kind of a person he is...instead of further down the road, if your relationship with him was to get more serious.

I would just walk away and move on. It seems if he was that serious about you and was that "in" to you, he would have never done this to you to begin with.

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

 

Pages