What's the key to "not looking"?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
What's the key to "not looking"?
8
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 3:26pm

Some of you have said lately that you aren't looking for a man, which I take to mean that you are just living your life, working, getting together with your friends and family and pursuing hobbies, etc. And some of you seem pretty content with that. 

I suppose I'm not looking right now either, in that I am not on any dating sites and I don't choose events to attend based on whether I can meet men there. I do look around when I'm at parties or events. But right now I'm not focused on meeting men. Perhaps it's because I spent  a large part of the last four years doing online dating and not being successful. Oh, I had dates, but none of it led to anything. But I can't really say I'm content with the status quo, nor do I have a feeling of "the right one will come along."

Which really leads to my question: For those of you who are content, how did you arrive there? Was there ever a time when you were looking really hard, or were you more or less always that way (perhaps you met eligible men on a regular basis and didn't have to "look")?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012

It's definately realistic but I am not convinced it's sustainable.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

XXXS, I think the issue is that some of us women do want to be in a relationship but can't find a man and are dealing with that--not that we feel pressure from society.  That may be true for young women.  So it's more like we do know what we want but it isn't there--how do we cope with that?

I hope your medical problems are done with!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

X, have you ever been married? I haven't, and think there are a couple of other regulars who have not ... but I'm not sure if you've ever divulged that information. I'm just curious. Don't feel pressured to answer.

Florida, I don't think there's a key.  I think it's a sense of well being or, as Shy put it, comfort.  I never saw myself settling down.  I even told friends and family as much from a very early age.  The one time I came close, I couldn't even believe it myself. 

Guys came and went without my doing much provoking.  I too did OLD in my late 20's/early 30's but that was mostly due to my moving to a new city and not knowing anybody.  Since moving back to a smaller town in the suburbs it just doesn't occur to me to look.  I have my friends, family, hobbies etc.  If the right guy came along, I'd be open but I will never settle.  I could've settled several times over.  I want the real deal.  I want the ooey-gooey-ness which, may be another reason why I'm single.  I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm not sure that's realistic or sustainable. 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

IMO it is asking ourselves what we want for ourselves.  We get a lot of cultural messages through media and friends and acquaintances that something is wrong if we are not on a crusade for a "relationship".  But what kind of relationship?  FWB,hang out, live-in,what? 

  To myself,I like being single.  I like being able to do the activities I want.  I hate "dating" but like meeting women.  I prefer low key meetings to a "date".  IMO I have changed what I want in a friend(sex partner) today is different what I thought I wanted just a few months ago.  I have spent most of this year overcoming near blindness and other malfunctions of my physical self.   I discovered that I like not having someone underfoot.  I like living by myself.  I really like not having people take up my time or expecting me to be what I am not(not a repairman,boyfriend).  I like using my definition of a great time not some one else's. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012

My son moving home, having young DD with me....I am just accepting too.   I can't say I am content but life happens and I have to set aside some things to help the kiddos.

Not that I am out and about and looking....of course I am always looking for my next ex-husband.  :smileysad:

My priorities are me, my kids and then anyone elses .

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I'm probably like you although I only lasted about 1 yr on OLD--I met 3 men total.  I was surprised that it was so much harder than the last time I was single 10 yrs ago when it was not that hard to at least get that first meet.  All the emailing of men first and not hearing anything just made me feel terrible about myself so I had to give it up.  I can't say I'm thrilled not to be dating but it's better than when I was trying and not dating--at least now I can have the excuse that I'm not actively looking, so I don't expect to get dates.  Of course I hope it's not forever.  I still have my son at home so I have someone to talk to and I do enough activities so that I very rarely feel lonely.  I don't know if "content" is the right word for what I feel, maybe just "accepting"--for now at least. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I think I was pretty niave and stupid when I assumed I could find someone back in 2009.. That is when I was out of a bad marraige and a bad rebound relationship.. I had left the rebound thing in 2008 and took a whole year off to just hang out with friends and search for myself and do soul searching.. In 2009 I put myself on a dating site and although I was scared of that world I did it just to see what was out there.. I had no intentions of really wanting anyone but I figure what the heck. See what is going on after being attached to men for almost 15 years.. What I was surprised about was that I did get dates and messages and even when I went out to singles stuff I got some dates and I even had an 8 week sort of type of relationship.. Of course none of what I did turned into anything and it was getting very frustrating and sad and disappointing although i did learn alot and had fun and it was all pretty good at the time...

Then in about 2011 everything just stopped.. I kinda gave up about a year ago looking and really thinking there was anybody out there for me.. I am still on two sites but they are free  and once in a blue moon get some messages but I dont pursue it right now.. I still go out but not as much to the singles stuff and seeking out men.. I kind just go out with friends or family or a guy friend and that is about it.. I do look around at men if I am in a place to see who is there but I dont really have any hope about it anymore..

I kinda think if its going to happen it will be like I say some miracle or divine intervention or a big brick will fall on my head and the guy who dropped it will become my boyfriend...

It is sad and depressing and lonely though and the thought of never having someone special in my life ever again totally makes me very upset..

 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
I had profiles online for maybe five years total, off and on. It led to three relationships, but they didn't really last long. That way of "looking" just left me feeling awful about myself.

That's probably the only time I'd say I have been actively looking. I did go out a lot with a friend who was very much looking for her next (third) husband, but she overshadowed me so much that I really couldn't look. It's not really my style anyway.

When I was younger, like 21-22, men seemed to come along like buses. Since graduating college, it hasn't been that way. I guess I've just become used to it. It's not that I want to be this way, I'm just comfortable. Finding a guy who actually wants a relationship would be great, but they just don't seem to be out there.