What's right to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
What's right to do?
11
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 4:21pm

Hi, everyone,

I know this is a great web site. I also got many good suggestions in the message board area. I hope anyone can give me some suggestions (again) this time!! Sometimes I am just too confused....

anyway, here is the story:

My relatives helped me to arrange a bland date. We've been already communicating with each other by email and phone for 3 months now, yet we just met each other 2 weeks ago (We are long distance). I don't know how the feelings should be developed, but I don't have much feelings for this guy, it's not because his personality (he seems polite, treat me nicely) nor his career (I think his career is not bad at all!) But maybe b/c of his appearance (not "handsome" to me, yet he's tall). I know sometimes the appearance is not important at all in the relationship, personality and other inner stuffs do matter! Thats why I am confused here: should I continue to see him or I should stop seeing him?? He told me he likes me and wants me to be his gf. I told him he's a very good guy, but deep down I know I don't have feelings for him! (I think it's also my main probblem: I don't have feelings with some guys who liked me who treated me well b/c of their appearance!!!)

And at the same time I have this fear: I am already close to 30 and I am still single!! I do want to settle down, find someone to spend my life with. I am afraid what if I "dump" this chance again, I would never had any chances to be in a relationship!! (My couple friends already put me in couple dates, and it didn't work out for me......)

What should I do? Please advise!! I really appreciate it!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 5:01pm

>>I am already close to 30 and I am still single!! I do want to settle down, find someone to spend my life with. I am afraid what if I "dump" this chance again, I would never had any chances to be in a relationship!!<<

I am 31 and, beleieve me, there are still available single men out there. I, too, want to find someone to share my life. Please do yourself a favor and don't get into a relationship solely because of your age. Think about it -- will you still want to be with this person in a year, 5, 25? Who you spend your life with is a big decision, and it's important to find someone who excites you, treats you well, connects with you, etc.

If you don't have feelings for this guy, then you don't. Don't think that you *should* just because he seems great on paper. Sometimes the connection just isn't there - and you don't have to feel bad for that.

If you do think that feelings could develop, then maybe date him for awhile longer and just see. You don't have to become exclusive with him yet.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 6:46pm

I think two weeks is too soon to tell.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:42pm

Is a relationship Either/OR? You have to be a girlfriend or not see the guy at all? I think it's too hard to create and maintain an intimate relationship that I want over a long distance. I also think I dishonor the other and myself if I base a relationship on the fact I may not meet anyone else because of my age (I'm 52).

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 3:04am

>I know sometimes the appearance is not
>important at all in the relationship

(IMO) One of the few times when appearance is not important is when you *are* very attracted to someone but they are mistreating you. This makes it difficult to ignore the attraction and walk away.

In this case there is no sexual attraction and you imply that this is wrong because he has a great personality. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you feel about him. It's one reason why we aren't jumping into bed with all of our friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 12:34pm
However, for most people who have better appearance, they don't get settle down easily or they like to date around, how am I gonna find "perfect" someone to get settle down? Maybe I should adjust myself for the thinking that the appearance is not important.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 1:18pm

>However, for most people who have better appearance
>they don't get settle down easily or they like to date around

Are you saying that YOU have trouble settling down because you have above average appearance?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 2:44pm

I meant most of guys :)

I didn't want to settle down before, but not now when I am getting older......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 05-12-2006 - 5:32pm
Sometimes I think that it's not just the fact that they aren't your type looks-wise that you aren't attracted to them. It's just something that you can't explain. sometimes you can be attracted to someone who isn't normally your type. The feelings and chemistry for someone comes naturally without any explanation of why and when, it just does, and sometimes has nothing to do with the looks of the other person unless of course you are appalled by them. The fact that you aren't attracted to this man could be because of something else besides looks. I think it has to do with timing, personality, the way a person carries themselves, the unspoken vibes that each of you have that either connect or don't connect or even the environment in which you met or where your dates were KWIM?
I find myself doing the same thing, worrying too much of why I'm not attracted to the few men who seemed great on paper and treat me great and beating myself up over it because I'm 30 and want a family and am not getting any younger but I just can't allow myself to settle for someone who I don't have some attraction and feelings for becuase that's something you just can't force I'm figuring out and I'm trying not to beat myself up over that, even though it's hard sometimes. At this point in my life I dont' want to settle for someone who isnt' right for me because if you aren't attracted to someone and you pretend, you run the risk of the attraction never developing and then what you have is another friend not a lover and the attraction is what sets relationships apart from friendships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 8:55am
Thank you for all of your suggestions. I think I'll try to go out with him 2, 3 more times to see if I will change my mind, if not, I think I'll just end it....and waiting/searching for me right one!! ( And it seems getting more and more difficult........)
Avatar for bluebird1234
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:48pm

IMO, you shouldn't continue to date a guy that you have no chemistry with, especially since he seems to like you, but you can't return the feelings. That would be leading him on, and wasting your time.

You shouldn't feel bad because you don't find him attractive. We all have different ideas of what is attractive, and are attracted to different things. Don't worry about it. Just politely decline any further offeres for a date, and go from there. If he persists in asking what you don't like, you only need answer "I'm not just feeling the chemistry". No other explanations necessary!

Now, get out there and meet some new men! There are plenty of ways!

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