When to give up on him

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
When to give up on him
4
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 5:20pm

First off, thanks for reading this. I appreciate the input.

Guys really confuse me. I think I'm a fairly good catch, but I haven't been asked out in a while (we're talking 11 months). I'm a grad student, so I don't get to spend a lot of time trying to meet guys. I happened to meet a really great guy through a volunteer group about a year ago, though. At first I thought he was a dork, but the more I got to know him, the more attractive he became. He didn't smoke, drink, was college educated, funny, and had fantastic morals. Needless to say, I started to dig him....from a distance. I never told him how I felt. I never flirted with him because it felt inappropriate, and we were never around each other outside of the volunteering position. He was always friendly towards me, maybe a little interested, but I didn't want to read into something that wasn't there. I was too chicken to ask him out or initiate anything.

To make matters worse, this guys just moved out of state - or shall I say halfway across country - to start grad school himself. We've e-mailed back and forth a couple of times, but nothing substantial. I have started asking myself: Should I just give it up? Part of me says "forget him, he knew you for a year and never asked you out. If he was interested by now, he would have made a move," and another part of me says "Maybe he didn't ask me out because it would have been inappropriate to ask out a volunteer. Maybe if I keep in touch, he'll come around."

Since he is very much out of state and I won't be running into him any time soon, should I e-mail him and tell him how I feel? Or should I not even bother with him and realize that he is not interested?

I'm driving myself crazy and am in the need of some good old common sense. Any advice? Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 5:58pm

i really couldn't tell you what to do now, though i would be a little nervous about sending him an email professing your feelings. it seems like it would hard be to do anything about it now, even if he did feel the same way, and if you catch him off gaurd, it could sort of freak him out, and you could lose out on a chance to reconnect later.

that aside, i don't think him never asking you out means he ever definitively decided he wasn't interested - it sounds like you never really gave him a clue that you were interested in him!

it was nice of you to draw up boundaries, but you can't expect him to pick up any vibes with polite, reserved and limited communication. when a guy consistently acts that way toward me, i tend to assume he has a gf or just isn't interested, and i just classify him as nice and unavailable, end of story.

my advice to you would maybe be to put yourself out there a little more, not necessarily with declarations of feelings, but just with flirting, and making yourself seem available. you seem sensible, and i am sure you can keep the flirtation within the bounds of decorum. you might have a little fun with it, too!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 5:59pm

I think your first thought was right on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 8:14pm
I'm going to take a different approach on this from the other posters, but that's because I tend to think that when you want something you should go for it. Now if the person doesn't respond back in a positive way then it's time to let go but if you never try to tell someone that you like them then you'll never know how they feel about you. First of all do you think you are one of those people that can handle a long distance relationship since they are VERY hard to handle and if you think that you would be open to that then I would say something. If you don't think you can handle that then I wouldn't open up that can of worms. If you are truley ok with that then I would flirt with him a bit and tell him that you liked him. See how he responds to that. But tell him in a light-hearted manner and then leave the ball in his court. I figure if you are really into someone and you want to know where they stand it doesn't hurt to tell them or to ask becuase what's the worse that can happen. They say no and then you'll have to move on but if you guys don't have a close friendship or you aren't afraid of losing his friendship then I don't see there being a problem. I say that if the risk is not as big as what you could gain from it then why not........
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 7:58am
Thanks for the replies everyone! I have been in a long distance relationship before, but not one quite this long distance. I wouldn't have much to lose if I told him, so if I ever feel brave, I'll bite the bullet. I think I'll just back off and be friendly right now, though. Thanks again! Reading other people's opinions can really make it clear.