When you know there won't be a 2nd date
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When you know there won't be a 2nd date
| Mon, 02-06-2006 - 9:57pm |
...5 minutes in to the 1st date, what do you do? Do you say something during the date? At the end of the date? Wait until he calls you for date #2? And what if he goes to kiss you at the end of the date...do you just go for a hug instead?
I'm trying to develop a fool proof exit strategy...

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I normally DO respond with the "thanks but no thanks" e-mails or phone calls. That's why I'm not proud of not responding to this guy. We had one date - a drink that lasted maybe 40 minutes. Then, he said it was late and time to go home, so I assumed he wasn't really interested, either -- because he's the one who cut it short. I was surprised he e-mailed me at all.
I have encountered this situation a lot in the past year. You go out on one date, maybe two, and there's no spark. I have tried every polite, kind way to say I'm not interested, and it always ends badly. The guy is always offended - so I feel like it's a no-win situation.
Most recently, I called a guy and told him over the phone. He called me back and left a pleading message on my machine. Then he sent another pleading e-mail a few days later. Way too much drama for someone I went out with twice.
Plus, every guy who has decided that he's not interested in me just disappears -- no calls, no e-mails. (Again, these are first/second date situations - not longer-term).
I guess it's frustrating for me that I try to do the right thing, and the men I have been out with don't do the same in return. (Note I said "men I have been out with" - not all men).
This is part of the reason I am on a dating break right now. It's really exhausting.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Usually I think you instinctively know when there won't be a second date. A couple of giveaways for me were the dates where the guy spit his ice cubes back into his drink. And another started to tell me all about his acid reflux disorder. Lovely!
I guess I had that face, and I guess the fact that I didn't want to kiss them either, or have their hands on me gave me away.
Both asked me to call them if I wanted another date, so they threw the ball into my court.
I think if the person contacts you again, just be honest and say that you don't think you are compatible.
I never heard from those guys, nor did I call them and tell them anything. Just polite if I happened to see them in public.
I understand that people have different views on this. I just don't find those type of "honest but kind" emails to be "respectful" at all. They seem presumptuous to me (like they are assuming I have some sort of vested interest in someone I barely know) and give me the heebie-jeebies.
I just don't want to hear that someone I barely know is rejecting me...I'd much rather infer it from their silence.
Sheri
I see your point about the presumption of emotional investment. I don't see it that way but can easily understand that POV.
I have just stopped internet dating. It has generally been a waste of time and money for me. I am going speed dating two weeks from today again and I am excited about that. I at least have fun doing that even if I don't meet anyone who bowls me over. There is just nothing fun about online dating for me. Plus, I have been making a concerted effort to do things that I enjoy more like attend lectures at the Council on Foreign Relations and the Pritzker Military Library. I have been really lazy lately because of working so much and the holidays and then health issues. I had to kick my butt back into gear but I am glad that I did because I genuinely enjoy these things.
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