When your own mother doesn't have faith in you...

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
When your own mother doesn't have faith in you...
6
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 9:00pm

How in the world does she ever expect you to have faith in yourself???

It's possible that my baby sister (the one with all the drama a couple of weeks ago) could come live with me.  My mom actually suggested it to me, and I'd been working up to mentioning it to my sister.  Well, yesterday I sent her a text asking if she'd found a job yet, and telling her we have an opening in my building.  She is seriously considering trying to enroll in school up here and finding a job.  She's on her way up here now, just to hang out and possibly check out the school.

My mom just called and she is freaking out.  She is NOT happy with me right now.  Apparently, she just meant my sister should stay for a little while, not move here.  She doesn't think I can handle having them here and still work (geez...isn't that what MOTHERS do?), and my house is too "tiny" (1100 square feet, plus a 500 square foot basement I could finish if I needed to) for them.  The REAL issue, I think, is that if she lives here, my mom can't control her every move.  She won't be able to tell if she's taking her meds, or getting her oil changed, or doing whatever medial task my mom thinks HAS to be done right then and there.  There's a boy my sister met up here and my mom's all worried he's going to break her heart.  I'm pretty sure there's a good chance that'll happen, and if it does, it does, and she'll get over it.  That's life.  She thinks my sister is being too impulsive.  I think she's trying to pick up the pieces and start a new life.  I also think my mom is still hopeful that the JERK who fathered the baby will suddenly change and they'll get back together and live happily ever after.  That is NOT what needs to happen!

Grrr...this is the first week of school, and I don't need my mother causing drama!  My baby sister is on her way up here now, my first day of school is Thursday, and Thursday night I will have a houseful of people here.  I will definitely be ready for a drink this weekend!!

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
My next youngest sister never answers when my mom calls. If I don't answer, I get a sad-sounding voicemail from her. Sometimes I don't answer because I just can't handle it. The problem is that my mom throws guilt trips at us and she isn't all that stable, so I'm afraid she's going to follow through (she's actually attempted suicide, but it was before I was born). I've already lost one parent, so I'd hate to not answer her call and then have something horrible happen. Until this issue with my sister, I'd never really stood up to her. Now it's a matter of my sister's happiness, though, and Mom's got to cut the cord eventually. You're right- to her, the only right way is her way, and if you don't do things right, she'll be sure you know about it- multiple times.

Now you guys know why I'm such a perfectionist!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Well now we know why you live farther away from your mom. Good grief she sounds so controlling. I think it is kind of you to offer your sister the option of staying with you and helping her get a job and such. It's not like you're saying hey come freeload and pretend you don't have to be responsible.

It sounds like your sister hasn't even decided what she wants to do, but is at least trying to consider options. So your mom has got her panties in a bunch for no reason and ultimately she won't be happy with any decision your sister makes unless she spoon fed it to her. This might be a good time to utilize caller id a bit more heheeh.
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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

Yep!  And my sister agrees.  I don't know if she'd realized it before I said it, though. 

I think it's that my mother just doesn't trust anyone else to make decisions, so she thinks she has to make them all.  If my sister made a decision that turned out well, maybe...just maybe...my mom would back off.  But my sister has never really made a decision on her own.  It's always been what my mom wanted or what the ex wanted.  It would be empowering for her to decide something for herself. 

 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 11:40pm
Well, you hit the nail on the head when you hinted that all your mother wants to do is to orchestrate your sister's life.
Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
It absolutely would be better, but mom just can't see it that way. It's all about control for her.

I told my sister about it when she got here and she said all she said to Mom was that I had mentioned it. She didn't tell her she was applying for a job or looking at schools, just that I had mentioned it. And Mom flipped out. The thing is, my mom has been on my sister to apply for jobs and my sister's whole reasoning is that it would be easier to find one here. You'd think she'd be happy that my sister is willing to look, even though it's here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

well the good part is that since both you & sis are over 21, you don't need your mom's permission to do this.  It is really hard to deal w/ negative people but I'm sure it would be better for your sis if she wasn't around mom's negativity.