When you're not ready to sleep with him...

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
When you're not ready to sleep with him...
22
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 5:05pm

No, I'm not facing this dilemma at the moment, but I ran across this article and it resonated with me. In part she says:

NOBODY should feel, whether it's from their own pressure or another person's that they have to "secure" further interest and dates with sex. 

Also:

...the type of person who goes from super-interested to crickets / unable to be pinned down to a date and time for the next get-together, is someone who carries on as if getting to know someone is a commitment in itself.

...Dating is a discovery phase – you might discover on a few more dates that you don’t want to proceed. And you know what? I’m going to say it: I suspect that in some cases it’s the fact that you might get to know them further and not want to proceed why they try to push the sex issue earlier on.

...It’s like “I’m on the clock here! We’ve had three dates and if I don’t get my ‘medicine’, I’m gonna start to feel like I’m wasting my time here!” 

...[also loved this re: OLD] *Note, you will meet more bailers and faders if you’re dating online. Hide of rhino needed and Columbo skills. 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-they-bail-pull-the-slow-fade-after-you-say-that-youre-not-ready-to-have-sex/#more-9874

*************************

Perhaps it sounds corny to some people, but I really do need to get to know someone pretty well before I have sex with them. And heaven forbid, that might actually take more than three dates. I'm not interested in superficial--I want way more than that. It's like that beautiful scene in The Fisher King when the Robin Williams character assures the Amanda Plummer character that he doesn't want to come up for coffee after he's walked her home (although she assumed he wanted to have sex that night) and tells her that the getting to know her is the best part, that he wants to savor this beginning, adding that he is very attracted to her. Look it up on YouTube.

Anyway, just my thoughts on a Monday afternoon.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

Exactly.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

Well, I know you've already stated before that you think "self-help" books are a waste of time. And I agree that many of those books are. Many of the books I read are not so-called self-help, but more philosophical, written by learned, respected authors. I also agree that at some point you have to leave the house and actually do some things. But not everything in life is cause and effect.

You don't really see me doing all of the things I do besides reading, as I don't report every little thing I go do.

Free is right: the choices in men thin out when you are older. 

"Getting results" is not the only reason to read. How about expanded understanding? How about gaining wisdom from others who have gone before? How about those nights when I don't have yet another wine tasting to go to and none of my friends are available--is it OK to read on those nights?

With all due respects, it appears to me that you seem to enjoy razzing people on this board, and I'm not sure why, since you are so happily coupled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 11:29am

'..With all due respects, it appears to me that you seem to enjoy razzing people on this board, and I'm not sure why, since you are so happily coupled'

Nope, not at all. I just say things I as see them, and don't sugarcoat, that's all.  We've been here many times before re: why I'm here, and how I got here etc etc. #The board's boring enough these days without me repeating all this stuff.

Florida, honestly, I don't want to argue. I'm sure you do date, a lot, and I know you read a lot too. (so do I - read that is - but completely different books).

It seems to me that every single time I 'open my mouth' I manage to offend someone just because I 'say' what I 'see'.

Sorry, didn't mean to.

Good luck to you Florida.

(at least there's some posting going on here!!! it's been waaaay too dead recently!!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

I would have to agree with Florida right in this moment.. because Julia you do razzle alot of folks around Ivillage. I have seen your posts on the MAS boards and other places and well yes you do razzle.. Hey; its your perogative to razzle and say what you want and forgive me if I have hurricane brain right now but I dont remember why you post if you are in a relationship.. After all this is the singles board.. I really just dont get it.. Is it to make yourself feel better knowing you have someone and we dont.. ?? That is what I get from your posts and I get that straight in my inutuiton and heart of hearts.... I dont know you but this is how I am reading into your posts..and of course RockLady your sister is on your side and rightfully so because she is your blood..

Yes; we would all love to have a relationship Julia.. We really would but we dont.. for one reason or another.. I for one am doing EFT; tapping. (google it) and soon I will be in a relationship and then I can post about it.. would that be okay with you??? (lol)and its going to be the best relationship I ever had along with great love and sex and he will have money also. It  might take a bit but the Universe is providing him..

Amen and Halleluiah!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I always laugh when people say you should date more than one person at a time.  I'd like to find one person to date--I'd be so relieved if I found one man that I liked who asked me on a date that I wouldn't bother to look for anyone else.  The only time in my life that I dated more than one person at a time was when I just got divorced from my 1st DH & was doing OLD and also met some men IRL.  That's the only time that more than one man at a time asked me out--but I never got to the stage of having sex w/ any of them so I felt it was ok & not slezay to be dating more than one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 12:38am

I have to weigh in with Florida, Music, and Free.  When you are a certain age, your pool of prospective viable dates gets very, very shallow..  Most of us here have very active lives.  Still, we do not meet (available) men that we find interesting and attractive.  I am far from unattractive, but I am not 25 or even 35 anymore. I have done plenty of OLD.  Recently, I agreed to meet two different men who are ten years older than me, with the intention of being open-minded.  Big mistake.  Both looked and acted OLD.  Would they consider dating WOMEN who are 10 years older?  HELL, no! So sick of the double standard.

So much is a matter of luck and timing.  I know so many women, including my sisters and several friends, who met men at work.  Never happens for me.

No offense Julia and Rocklady, I know you mean well.  But not everyone is fortunate enough to connect with the right person.  As others pointed out, effort does not always equal success.  I read as well, not that I think it will get me a man, but because it makes me more informed about people in general. I keep my weight down and try to stay in shape because it makes me feel better....not that it will necessarily get me a man.

Aside to Rocklady:  Agree with you on one thing....I am definitely celebrating tonight!  Tired, and going to bed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 12:41am

@Music:  Agreed.  The "pair and a spare" theory is a joke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 12:41am

@Music:  Agreed.  The "pair and a spare" theory is a joke.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999

Having sex on the first date because you want to is fine, but to do it only in hopes of keeping a guy around is so beyond sad. I can't even imagine. I've had sex on the first date before, not even going to lie and in a couple of cases, the relationship went on to be quite lengthy.  As I've matured through the years, my mind and body are more in sync.  If I don't have a good feel for a guy, no pun intended, I'm not going to sleep with him just because he puts the moves on me(we aren't animals, after all).  I want to know him first and not in the Biblical sense ;] 

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 7:30pm

I think the problem comes when your mind says "Hell yeah, I want to sleep with him!" and your body says "Hell yeah, I want to sleep with him NOW."