When you're not ready to sleep with him...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
When you're not ready to sleep with him...
22
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 5:05pm

No, I'm not facing this dilemma at the moment, but I ran across this article and it resonated with me. In part she says:

NOBODY should feel, whether it's from their own pressure or another person's that they have to "secure" further interest and dates with sex. 

Also:

...the type of person who goes from super-interested to crickets / unable to be pinned down to a date and time for the next get-together, is someone who carries on as if getting to know someone is a commitment in itself.

...Dating is a discovery phase – you might discover on a few more dates that you don’t want to proceed. And you know what? I’m going to say it: I suspect that in some cases it’s the fact that you might get to know them further and not want to proceed why they try to push the sex issue earlier on.

...It’s like “I’m on the clock here! We’ve had three dates and if I don’t get my ‘medicine’, I’m gonna start to feel like I’m wasting my time here!” 

...[also loved this re: OLD] *Note, you will meet more bailers and faders if you’re dating online. Hide of rhino needed and Columbo skills. 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-they-bail-pull-the-slow-fade-after-you-say-that-youre-not-ready-to-have-sex/#more-9874

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Perhaps it sounds corny to some people, but I really do need to get to know someone pretty well before I have sex with them. And heaven forbid, that might actually take more than three dates. I'm not interested in superficial--I want way more than that. It's like that beautiful scene in The Fisher King when the Robin Williams character assures the Amanda Plummer character that he doesn't want to come up for coffee after he's walked her home (although she assumed he wanted to have sex that night) and tells her that the getting to know her is the best part, that he wants to savor this beginning, adding that he is very attracted to her. Look it up on YouTube.

Anyway, just my thoughts on a Monday afternoon.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I do think it's interesting to note that the guys who push for quick sex probably don't want you to get to know them too well--I guess the old sayings are right in a way that if you want to get to know if someone is only interested in sex, make them wait a while.  Personally it would depend on the guy & what I would want from him.  I have been married twice and both times I had sex with them pretty soon--so it doesn't necessarily mean that if you have sex soon you won't end up in a relationship.  I think that someone's time line should be respected though.  The sex isn't going to be good for the guy if the woman feels forced.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

I tried to respond to you earlier from my phone...still doesn't work. :-(

Anyway...I tend to want to wait, too.  My problem is that I cave to peer pressure too easily.  I can say no, or say I want to wait, but if I like the guy I allow myself to be coerced too easily.  My brain says no, but my body says yes...and I usually give in to my body.

 

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