When you're not ready to sleep with him...

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
When you're not ready to sleep with him...
22
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 5:05pm

No, I'm not facing this dilemma at the moment, but I ran across this article and it resonated with me. In part she says:

NOBODY should feel, whether it's from their own pressure or another person's that they have to "secure" further interest and dates with sex. 

Also:

...the type of person who goes from super-interested to crickets / unable to be pinned down to a date and time for the next get-together, is someone who carries on as if getting to know someone is a commitment in itself.

...Dating is a discovery phase – you might discover on a few more dates that you don’t want to proceed. And you know what? I’m going to say it: I suspect that in some cases it’s the fact that you might get to know them further and not want to proceed why they try to push the sex issue earlier on.

...It’s like “I’m on the clock here! We’ve had three dates and if I don’t get my ‘medicine’, I’m gonna start to feel like I’m wasting my time here!” 

...[also loved this re: OLD] *Note, you will meet more bailers and faders if you’re dating online. Hide of rhino needed and Columbo skills. 

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/when-they-bail-pull-the-slow-fade-after-you-say-that-youre-not-ready-to-have-sex/#more-9874

*************************

Perhaps it sounds corny to some people, but I really do need to get to know someone pretty well before I have sex with them. And heaven forbid, that might actually take more than three dates. I'm not interested in superficial--I want way more than that. It's like that beautiful scene in The Fisher King when the Robin Williams character assures the Amanda Plummer character that he doesn't want to come up for coffee after he's walked her home (although she assumed he wanted to have sex that night) and tells her that the getting to know her is the best part, that he wants to savor this beginning, adding that he is very attracted to her. Look it up on YouTube.

Anyway, just my thoughts on a Monday afternoon.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001

I tried to respond to you earlier from my phone...still doesn't work. :-(

Anyway...I tend to want to wait, too.  My problem is that I cave to peer pressure too easily.  I can say no, or say I want to wait, but if I like the guy I allow myself to be coerced too easily.  My brain says no, but my body says yes...and I usually give in to my body.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I do think it's interesting to note that the guys who push for quick sex probably don't want you to get to know them too well--I guess the old sayings are right in a way that if you want to get to know if someone is only interested in sex, make them wait a while.  Personally it would depend on the guy & what I would want from him.  I have been married twice and both times I had sex with them pretty soon--so it doesn't necessarily mean that if you have sex soon you won't end up in a relationship.  I think that someone's time line should be respected though.  The sex isn't going to be good for the guy if the woman feels forced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006

Very valid point. It's hard when you meet someone who really turns you on (either mentally or physically) to curb the flow of desire. But, it's a courageous step to take, to risk losing that person in order to discover if he's really serious about getting to know you. It takes a lot of confidence and self-love.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 10:08pm

Of course they don't!  That's why my mind is saying no.  My mind is very, very quiet, though.

 

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 11-05-2012 - 10:38pm

  That is why it is good to date/see more than one at a time.  Not everyone is going to turn you on.  Some may take time, others not.  But if one is seeing several then to odds are in your favor.  I listen to my body it does not lie.  When i get into over analyzing; the body is direct and truthful.

Goldfish

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

I agree that having sex "too soon" isn't always a bad thing. Frankly, I'd love to meet someone I was so wildly attracted to that I'd want to have sex with him on the third date. But again, if you're feeling like you have to "put out" to keep a guy around...well, that's just high school to me. And I'm not talking about withholding sex, even if I want to, just to "test" the guy. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

*No, I'm not facing this delima at the moment, but I ran across this article and it resonated with me*

Floridagirl, with all due respect, and im asking you this as kindly and nicely as possible.. dont you think that.. it would be more effective.. more productive.. to actually.. invest your time in .. the active dating process.. rather then.. in articles unrelated to your current situation.. ? Meaning.. "i´ll cross that bridge when i get to it" ?? Im sorry if it sounds offensive, but i have followed your story and in my opinion you seem to spend way too much time "reading", rather than "doing"..? Correct me if im wrong any time.

And, im German and live in Germany, but i cant help but say: people, good luck with your elections today! Obama rules :)!




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

Ha Rocklady... I guess she would just like myself if we had more guys to choose from... As we go along on this journey as we age the dating scene slims out ..

I probably could have slept with (just sex) with a few men already in the past few years but makes me feel like a sixties child all over again and I choose not to do that anymore. Not that I think i am all that but its just plain old stupid these days.. My doctor says that more older folks are getting stds and aids and its just not worth it to me.. and for what purpose?? To have sex and then be gone and what does that serve? that I got jollies off for 15 minutes and have to move on and find another one?? BTDT

oh; well. life goes on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 11-06-2012 - 10:25am

 

I totally agree with you - sex for the sake became pointless for me when I got to about 32. But I don't think Rocklady's talking about having sex just to do SOMETHING with SOMEONE. What she's saying is, if reading doesn't get the desired results..why keep reading and hoping against hope? Sign of madness being 'doing the same thing expecting different results' and all that? Obviously all those books Florida read in the last 20+ years didn't get her where she wanted to be but she keeps doing it...I'm thinking: to GET you have to DO. Not read................. Or at least read less and do more....  IMHO and experience anyway....

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

What makes you think I haven't invested time actively dating? 

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