Where do we go from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
Where do we go from here?
8
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:53am

A male friend of mine has been seperated for over 1 year from his wife. He and his wife are both my friends. I havent talked to her in 3 years. He began contacting me 4 months ago. In the past I had to cut my friendship with him, because his wife felt me and him were too close (just friends). 

Our conversations were pretty basic catching up (work, single life, and family). He would rant about his wife leaving him. He never asked me to contact her, but I did. She wont return my emails, PM's or calls. We are friends on Facebook, I see when shes on, so shes ignoring me.

He lives in Chicago and decided to visit me in Ohio, a couple of times. We went out for dinner and shopping. He began frequently asking about my relationships and type of guys Im attracted to. He talked less about his ex wife.

He asked if I would visit in Chicago, which I said I dont know. One stressful day after work I texted him I was packing to stay the weekend with him. The first day he showed me parts of the city, the second day we kissed and the third day we had sex (all day). 

He asked me if I regret everything from the weekend. I told him I was happy, but have this feeling its wrong. He said this weekend was amazing not just the sex. He said hes going to file the divorce papers, this month. He asked if we could see where this goes and is paying for me to come back to chicago this weekend. So far its been numerous 5 hour conversations about how we both miss each other and need to find a way to see each other again, (due to work). We skyped and he asked me to promise to always be honest with him no matter what and he promised the same. My worry is that the ex wife will find out and think this all happen while they were together. Do I have to explain to her?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 2:15pm

She will most likely find out, and she will most likely think this started while they were still together (which they are still married). It probably won't matter if you explain or not.

But I'm concerned that he hasn't even filed divorce papers. What's been going on this whole year? Why the wait? Are you sure he wants the divorce? Are you sure they are really separated? Are there children involved?

It's emotionally risky to be the first relationship after a divorce (if you are the first), much more so if the man is still married. But I'm sure you know all of this. If you continue with him, get ready to listen to endless stories of his ongoing divorce and all the drama. Or perhaps they may reconcile. Regardless of what he says, he is in no shape to start a relationship until he is competely out of this marriage for a while.

But, the train has already left the station on this situation and all you can do is take it day by day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 4:07pm

Hi;

If you ever listen to the gurus and a psychologist on radio Joy Brown they say a person should wait a year after they are totally divorced to get into a new relationship...whatever you think you are going to be in a rebound relationship but yes you probably know that .. If its too late then of course this could either work out or you could get hurt.. So those are the options and like Dr.Phil says there are consequences to all actions..

I know because when I left my exH I got into a rebound relationship and it didnt work.. We were both a mess from from our ex spouses and we found solace with each other.. I dont regret it but it caused alot of emotional trauma for me.. so I suffered the consequences ... We broke up and it was really not a good scene as I moved to another state to be with this man and when it all went crashing down I left him and came back to my home state and had to pick up pieces of my life again.. It was much easier to have put myself back together alone without the drama but its in past now..

Good Luck

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 5:22pm

peppia_mint wrote:
<p><span style="font-size:large">A male friend of mine has been seperated for over 1 year from his wife. He and his wife are both my friends. I havent talked to her in 3 years. He began contacting me 4 months ago. In the past I had to cut my friendship with him, because his wife felt me and him were too close (just friends). </span></p><p><span style="font-size:large">Our conversations were pretty basic catching up (work, single life, and family). He would rant about his wife leaving him. He never asked me to contact her, but I did. She wont return my emails, PM's or calls. We are friends on Facebook, I see when shes on, so shes ignoring me.</span></p><p><span style="font-size:medium"><span>He lives in Chicago and decided to visit me in Ohio, a couple of times. We went out for dinner and shopping. He began frequently asking about my relationships and type of guys Im attracted to. He talked less about his ex wife.</span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:medium"><span> He asked if I would visit in Chicago, which I said I dont know. One stressful day after work I texted him I was packing to stay the weekend with him. The first day he showed me parts of the city, the second day we kissed and the third day we had sex (all day). </span></span></p><p><span style="font-size:medium"><span>He asked me if I regret everything from the weekend. I told him I was happy, but have this feeling its wrong. He said this weekend was amazing not just the sex. He said hes going to file the divorce papers, this month. He asked if we could see where this goes and is paying for me to come back to chicago this weekend. So far its been numerous 5 hour conversations about how we both miss each other and need to find a way to see each other again, (due to work). We skyped and he asked me to promise to always be honest with him no matter what and he promised the same. My worry is that the ex wife will find out and think this all happen while they were together. Do I have to explain to her?</span></span></p>

No, he should be the one doing the explaining. However, I think that if she were to come in your face, which she may eventually do, that she cannot throw it in your teeth that you two started this when they were together because you can say "Nice try... check the date stamp on the email I sent you--because it was after that when he began seeing me." 

What is his reason for waiting until now to file papers for divorce if he's been separated for over a year now?

Quite frankly, you should not see him until he's got an executed divorce decree in his hand.  Let him get out of his mess first before jumping into anything with you.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 05-03-2013 - 9:16pm

Do you have to explain to her?  I don't know when you would have the opportunity being that she is ignoring you.  I am not on FB, but I find it strange to have a person as a "friend" yet completely ignore them.  Personally, I would delete her but that's me.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 8:31am
He stated before anything happen between us, that his ex wife depleted the bank accounts and left him with a house and a car loan and apartment. She texted him to file the papers by July, which was there last conversation in the fall. So she needs him to pay for it. He moved to Chicago 6 months after she left him. I am not his 1st relationship since the separation. There are no children involved. He admits he still has feels for her, but there relationship can not be salvaged because of what shes out him through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2013
Sat, 05-04-2013 - 8:40am
Im suppose to stay the week starting monday. I do trust him. I have openly said I dont want a relationship, being newly single myself. Maybe I should cancel everything ;( idk
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 05-08-2013 - 9:16am

I wouldn't get involved with someone who admits to still having feelings for another woman. He's just trying to distract himself while licking his wounds. You say you don't want a relationship, but every time you have sex with him, hormones are released in women that make them want to bond to a man, even if the man isn't right for him.

Do you know why his wife dumped him? How was he as a partner? Did he cheat? Did he have relationships that were "too close," with other women, such as she spoke of his friendship with you? Things to think about. If it were me, I'd tell him you just got out of a relationship and don't want to get involved right now. If you do decide to get involved with him, don't let your past friendship with him let you fast forward the relationship into moving in together. Treat it like any new relationship. Only get together a few times a week (which is really not possible with the long distance). Don't move in together until the relationship has passed the 2 year mark. Already with the long distance, you're forced to spend enormous amounts of time together. Sometimes a flame that burns so hot extinguishes too quickly. Just the fact that he still loves his ex would be the dealbreaker for me. Good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 05-09-2013 - 3:30pm

  What is your endgame?  As a fun shag yes go ahead.  Understanding that this may be nothing more but fun.  Understand that divorces are very expensive.  Yes, if the rose colored glasses of what might be and the social conditioned dream it does not take effect.  What  Music wrote has truth.  The transitional person(gender does not matter) is likely to be exactly that transitional.  he knows you.  You know him.   What about who you were and who you are?  Learn about the laws that might be in the way.  Any children? (yes I realize you said there were not but realize under  the law any pregnancy would be  considered his even if it is not his biological child.) Are they still having sex?  Is there a subsequent spousal child support problem?  (some states require the subsequent spouse's income to be factored into child support.).  Know what you are getting into if your endgame is marriage.

chaika