Why Am I ALWAYS Single????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2013
Why Am I ALWAYS Single????
13
Sat, 05-25-2013 - 11:34pm

I am wondering why I am always single. I had one relationship that lasted a few months two years ago and before that no one serious since I was 14. I am 28 years old, Af-Am, college-educated and (I'd like to think) fairly attractive (a curvy size 8 just so you get the picture). I barely dated in high school and in college. Mainly, I focused on school and very little on the social aspect (I wasn't well liked by other black girls). Only a few times did I get hit on by classmates in those years. And now, I get hit on a lot but mostly by old men and creeps. I can't walk the street without getting, "Uh-uh you look good girl!" yelled at me. Honestly, this hurts my self-esteem. In the past year, I realized that I when I have dated guys I usually dated more jock types, hip-hop types or bad boys because they approached me when no one else was. Much of my issue with those guys was that I had nothing in common with them. I am creative, an avid reader and prefer cultural pursuits over a sports bar. I work in the fashion industry, so meeting men at work is a problem. I sometimes meet creative men but they never seem interested in me (I think my style is too Kate Spade preppy with a fro and they like really artsy-looking girls). At least they never reach out to me. I have dated outside of my race and a couple of times gotten something promising but mostly its been the other race version of jock/hip-hop/ bad boy types. I've been hit on by Eminem wannabes and Jersey Shore types. I dated a few guys (Af-Am and caucasian) that had assumed I should be a certain way, since I am Af-Am and I seemed to disappoint them. I am definitely my own person, which I am accepting that more and more (I went through a lot of obstacles growing up).

Unfortuntely, as I date online or in the real world I still get ignored. I have photos of me with my friends who are incredibly diverse, I have a hipster's taste in music, and I mention that I am in a trivia league. I should be able to find someone! Yet I only get messaged from weirdos, guys without shirts, and thugs with "some high school education." My messages to guys tend to go unanswered.My attempts at real world dating is joining young professional leagues for trivia, bowling, corn hole and bocce ball. I just meet more girlfriends at those.  

Does anyone have suggestions? 

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 7:50am

OHtoBK wrote:
<p>I am wondering why I am always single. I had one relationship that lasted a few months two years ago and before that no one serious since I was 14. I am 28 years old, Af-Am, college-educated and (I'd like to think) fairly attractive (a curvy size 8 just so you get the picture). I barely dated in high school and in college. Mainly, I focused on school and very little on the social aspect (I wasn't well liked by other black girls). Only a few times did I get hit on by classmates in those years. And now, I get hit on a lot but mostly by old men and creeps. I can't walk the street without getting, "Uh-uh you look good girl!" yelled at me. Honestly, this hurts my self-esteem. In the past year, I realized that I when I have dated guys I usually dated more jock types, hip-hop types or bad boys because they approached me when no one else was. Much of my issue with those guys was that I had nothing in common with them. I am creative, an avid reader and prefer cultural pursuits over a sports bar. I work in the fashion industry, so meeting men at work is a problem. I sometimes meet creative men but they never seem interested in me (I think my style is too Kate Spade preppy with a fro and they like really artsy-looking girls). At least they never reach out to me. I have dated outside of my race and a couple of times gotten something promising but mostly its been the other race version of jock/hip-hop/ bad boy types. I've been hit on by Eminem wannabes and Jersey Shore types. I dated a few guys (Af-Am and caucasian) that had assumed I should be a certain way, since I am Af-Am and I seemed to disappoint them. I am definitely my own person, which I am accepting that more and more (I went through a lot of obstacles growing up).</p><p>Unfortuntely, as I date online or in the real world I still get ignored. I have photos of me with my friends who are incredibly diverse, I have a hipster's taste in music, and I mention that I am in a trivia league. I should be able to find someone! Yet I only get messaged from weirdos, guys without shirts, and thugs with "some high school education." My messages to guys tend to go unanswered.My attempts at real world dating is joining young professional leagues for trivia, bowling, corn hole and bocce ball. I just meet more girlfriends at those.  </p><p>Does anyone have suggestions? </p>

There sometimes comes a time where you have to just stop trying so hard to find a boyfriend and just live your life.  There is no secret formula or secret location where anyone can steer you towards the men you're after--they are just out there and you're going to have to kiss a lot of toads before you find the prince.

However, you should know that when you turn your nose up at those who don't meet with your approval, you never know if a guy who does meet with your approval is looking and is turned off by how you treated others.  I've both read and heard of guys saying that what turned them off of a self proclaimed "nice lady" was how nasty she was towards others she felt were beneath her when she didn't know she was being watched.

If you're in fashion for your living, you might want to shift over to men's fashion/merchandising, since guys, both gay and straight, wear clothes. Try to get into some industry trade groups; take up golf--a lot of guys play and are at the driving ranges. Perhaps you should get into social groups surrounding car racing, iron-man decathalons, etc--things that guys would be into. 

 

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 8:45am

OH, I can really relate, even though I am much older and Caucasian.

I too am an "artsy" educated woman working in a creative field, and I too have a hard time finding men who I relate to--and who relate to me. And always have.

The problem for women like you and me is that we just aren't interested in golf, or deep sea fishing or car shows or all those other "go to" places where men supposedly go. Why go to an event you have zero interest in, just because there will be men there (that you will have nothing in common with)? So, I would never advise you to go do these sorts of things. You will not meet a kindred spirit there.

I think it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy: you go for so long not meeting anyone relatable, that you get pretty down about it, starting to feel like there must be something wrong with you. In fact, there is nothing wrong with you, and I also don't think you think you're "too good" for most men: you really just want to meet one you relate to--doesn't everyone? Oh sure, you can go to a car show and who knows, maybe you'll meet the 1 in 10,000 there that you relate to. You sound like an interesting woman who just happens to be out of sync with mainstream America.

Do you live in a large urban area? That helps. Also, do you go to gallery and museum openings? It's a great place to meet educated people, both men and women. And nobody cares if you're there by yourself. It's easy to talk to people.

28 is still really young in my opinion. I married at age 29 to a man who really didn't relate all that well to me--or me to him, and we divorced 4 years later. I wish I could back now and erase that. I always wondered how my life would have turned out and who I would have met if I had not married him.

Please come back and post again--we can use more artsy misfits on this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2008
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 9:23am

I agree with Floridagirl. My history is similar to hers in that I had a failed early marriage with the wrong man.I also do not think that there is anything wrong in being selective.  Or else, why even bother?  I don't think anyone is "beneath" me, but I also need to be with someone that I can connect with, am attracted to, and who enhances my life.  I have a pretty fulfilling single life, and would never give that up to be with a man who is just "ok." I am a professional who earns a good salary, and I would expect my partner to be financially stable as well.  I also want someone who takes care of himself.  He doesn't have to be George Clooney, but most men my age (52) look like hell.

Like Florida, I often wonder who I would have met if I had not rushed into an ill-advised marriage at such a young age. So, please, you are still very young, don't get too anxious.

Now while it is hard for most of us to find good men, black women face special challenges if they are dating within their own race. I am white but my sister-in-law is black, and we have discussed this very issue.  I also have heard the same sentiment from other black women. Women like you are making huge gains in education and career, and at a far faster rate than their male counterparts.  Also, unfortunately, we have a judicial system that is arguably more punitive for black men, so there are more in prison or on parole.

It makes my blood boil when I read articles by black women urging their sisters to "date down."  Why?  How about we bring the men UP?  I have even seen the advice given to be willing to date someone with a criminal history!  Really?!

I think Florgida gave you some good suggestions.  I also don't believe you should take up golf or something that does not interest you. Men can sense when women are on the prowl and it is a turn-off. I know, because I have tried similar things in the past.

There really is no one "place" to go to meet the right man.  Sadly, there is no guarantee that all of us will meet Mr. Right, regardless of age or race. You can only live a full life, be open and friendly, and steer clear of men who give you a bad vibe.  Most of us here have read countless books on dating and read many blogs.  There are no concrete answers.

I agree that you sound like a very unique, interesting woman who marches to the beat of her own drummer.  I can identify with that, as I always felt I was on a different wavelength since I was a little girl.  I hope you will continue to post here.  I wish we had the answers for you, but we are each struggling in our own ways.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 12:11pm

Well obviously it's not your looks that are holding you back.  I think when you don't fit into a "typical" category it does get harder to find people.  I don't know what it's like to be a black woman since I'm white.  I do think if you're in an urban area there should be more educated black men as well--but I wouldn't put off all men who don't have a college education.  I'm a lawyer and my 1st DH didn't even go to college--he worked at the Post Office.  Due to various reasons, like being the youngest of 6 kids and I think the parents just wanted to get them out of the house, so none of them went to college, he didn't go--he went into the Army right out of high school, but he was not dumb.  Even now, I would prefer a guy with a college education but I would consider someone in a trade (a good plubmer probably makes more than I do) as long as he had more interests than just watching TV--if you do OLD, you can tell a lot by the way they write their profiles.

If there was a magic formula for meeting someone, we would all know it. Just keep going out & meeting people cause you never know when someone might introduce you to someone you would like.  Do OLD if you can stand it (I've reached my tolerance limit on that one, but I'm a lot older, so the choice is much worse)--my DD is 24 and just met her BF on OLD--she's a pediatric nurse so also didn't meet anyone at work.  Just try not to obssess about it because you'll make yourself crazy.  And don't try to force yourself to be with someone that you know is not right for you just so you'll have a BF.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 12:16pm

even guys have these problems. I am a 38yr old single male. for whatever reason, I seem to attract women who have mental issues (bipolar etc..). not that their is anything wrong with that category of people. it's just not for me. some people have told me that the reason for this is because I have an empathetic personality.  I have no idea. it's just speculation. so to solve this issue, I have adopted a simple solution. focus on my career/hobbies. and stay single. besides, if you do statistical analysis, you will find that the single population is more prevelant now than it was when our parents were our age. in the 1960s it was in the 20 percentile range. now it is in the upper 40s to lower 50s percentile range. 

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sun, 05-26-2013 - 6:24pm

My best girlfriend is black, 33, same size as yourself, self employed with three kids and an ex husband.  She dates constantly.  I can't even keep up.  Her thing is, she can't find a man who wants to be in a committed relationship.  She's been dating for going on two years.  She doesn't do the online thing.  I know she's met a couple of guys (from her past) on FB.  The rest she meets organically at various places; usually when running errands, etc.  She wears her hair natural like yourself.  I need to ask her what her secret is, she must have some major mojo going on or something.  I have to give you props for dating outside your race.  I have tried to get her to give it a whirl but she's not interested which, is okay.  I get it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2013
Mon, 05-27-2013 - 12:25am

Floridagirl52, glad to find a fellow artsy woman. You get me. I live in NYC, so I think I am in the most urban place I can be to meet interesting men. Many of the men prefer hooking up rather than serious dating. I know that 28 is young in a sense, but my fear mainly comes from the fact that I have gone a couple of years without one date. Although many men my age seem to not know how to ask a woman out. Oy!

You're right about going to very masculine activities to meet men. They are not paying attention to women when a football game is on. I know because I watch college football at bars for my own fun (see I'm not only artsy). 

Thank you for your suggestions!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2013
Mon, 05-27-2013 - 12:46am

Gleannfia, I am so glad that you aware of the issues that black women face. I know plenty of women who "dated down" and I decided that it's not for me. I do not understand why we should cater to people who make bad decisions. Assuming that women are a motivator for men, they will never move UP if they can still have a woman even after making bad decisions. I realized some time ago that I could have had a relationship or two but the guys extremely interested in me had criminal records or some other sketchy past. There are well-educated, cultured black men out there but many are enjoying their choice. I dated one who told me he wasn't even considering any relationship until he was 35. He was 26 at the time.  He was spending time with me "for fun" as he was at the time with a few other women. Like your sister-in-law, I chose to date other races. 

Thank you for your advice and words of support. 

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 05-28-2013 - 5:32pm

OHtoBK wrote:
<p>Gleannfia, I am so glad that you aware of the issues that black women face. I know plenty of women who "dated down" and I decided that it's not for me. I do not understand why we should cater to people who make bad decisions. Assuming that women are a motivator for men, they will never move UP if they can still have a woman even after making bad decisions. I realized some time ago that I could have had a relationship or two but the guys extremely interested in me had criminal records or some other sketchy past. There are well-educated, cultured black men out there but many are enjoying their choice. I dated one who told me he wasn't even considering any relationship until he was 35. He was 26 at the time.  He was spending time with me "for fun" as he was at the time with a few other women. Like your sister-in-law, I chose to date other races. </p><p>Thank you for your advice and words of support. </p>

Never, ever settle for anything less than what you feel you need. Even if it means you will not be dating much for the forseeable future, don't settle.  I'm a 53 yr old black woman and it's even bleaker at my age when it comes to eligible black men my age who aren't damaged and bitter by the bad mistake in the women they threw in with 20-30 years prior.  I have no patience for that mess.

Many well educated, cultured black males know that they are the hot commodity and do not have to settle down one minute before they choose to...  if that is who you want, be prepared to be alone for a while, as they dont' owe anyone  the fulfillment of their dreams on their time tables.

And yes, there will always be women out there who will take the scrubs and almost-rans because they're prepared to settle and live half a life with someone who can't/won't live up to their potential--but then again, it's always a mistake to base any relationship on the potential of another person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 1:45pm

Since you are in NYC, instead of thinking in term of races, think nationalities.  I spent some time working in Africa and I find that African men are drastically different from African-American men.  Most of the Francophone-African friends I know are more into discussing philosophy at a cafe than the hip-hop scene.  Likewise, very often white Europeans do not portray black women, especially educated ones like yourself, in the same light as white Americans.

FYI, I am of mixed ethnicity and DH is European.  In my young and crazy days, I dated half the nationalities represented in the UN security council!  I strongly believe intellectual competability trumps skin color.  Cool 

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