Why am I a misogynist?
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| Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:19pm |
I'm tired of people telling me on this board I'm a misogynist, that I hate women, that I'm whiny, emascualted, etc. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.
I'm upset that I can't get a girl to want me. I'm upset that I can barely get a single date that doesn't end anywhere, or that I can't even get a drunken hookup at a party. I feel utterly lonely and frustrated because of it. I feel let down and disappointed for all those times growing up when I tried being there for a girl hoping that she'd give herself to me one day out of appreciation and it never happened.
I came to a woman's board for insight on how women think and feel so that I can use that knowledge to hopefully learn what it takes to get a girl interested in me. Why does that make me a bad person?

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Okay, forget everything you've heard about what women "prefer" as far as looks.
>>>Okay, forget everything you've heard about what women "prefer" as far as looks. Some women LIKE big eyes.<<<
Some, but I don’t know about most. Every time I see a handsome actor or model in a magazine or something, he always has small, slender, serious eyes. It’s hard to have that searing, mesmerizing gaze when you feel like you have billiard balls in your sockets.
>>> Don't try to hide them - that is an example of a lack of confidence and could be part of your problem. If you're trying to hide what your EYES look like, that's huge - eye contact is very important in dating and flirting.<<<
Maybe. I said I usually have trouble looking a girl in the eye and keeping a straight face or a solid tone of voice. Part of it is because I’m nervous about what to say to her, but now that I think about it, many times, I was thinking, “Oh man, I hope she doesn’t think my eyes are too big or too far apart,” and I tried to hide them.
>>>And don't worry about your jaw - I don't think I ever even check out a guy's jawline, nor do I know of any women who do (my apologies if anyone on here is, in fact, a "jaw-checker-out-er" - I'm not trying to answer for anyone on here). J<<<
I’m not as insecure about my jaw line as I am about my eyes. I just wish it was bigger and more angular, but I remember I used to be really insecure about it. I used to drink 4 or 5 glasses of milk a day and take calcium supplements hoping it would make my jaw bone bigger but I didn’t work out and I gave up.
>>>Now...how's your skin? Do you keep your hair and facial hair well-groomed? <<<
I have pretty good skin. I have it moisturized and I tan occasionally. I have a few acne scars on my shoulder and chest, but it’s not like any girls have seen me with my shirt off, so there’s nothing wrong with my skin that anyone can see and judge on. I like my hair short and I try to go for the 5-oclock shadow and 3-day beard look. It makes my face seem darker.
The biggest issue I have with redonculous' postings is that he generalizes about women and men. If he talks about specific women and himself rather than "women" and "men" then any discussion here will be more productive and illuminating. The only illuminating thing here is redonculous' way of looking at gender roles and behaviors which can be considered as stereotyping.
Mark
Oh d*** it, how do I put this without making you feel bad about yourself? Some women are a lot more into looks than others. For some, average looks is perfectly fine if complemented by a great personality and a sense of humour. For others, looks is a lot more important. Some have a physical type, others don't and find many different 'types' attractive. Hate to be honest here but 5'7 and 'not the most handsome face' would not work for me, personally, but that is because I am a shallow fool who wants her man to be at least 6ft, too skinny, and have a (not necessarily model perfect) 'wow' kind of face of which at least one feature is gorgeous(and long black hair but that is VERY specific so forget that). What can I advise you? I'm stuck to be honest. Maybe you need to 'target' the girls who go for personality and charm and 'good boys'; make friends with them; see what happens. Maybe a 'bad boy' is a wrong choice of carrier for you. Maybe the whole idea of a 'casual hook up' is not for you, cause you're not a 'casual hook up' kind of person inside, whether you realise it or not. Sorry that I couldn't come up with a better answer.
Every time I see a handsome actor or model in a magazine or something, he always has small, slender, serious eyes. It’s hard to have that searing, mesmerizing gaze when you feel like you have billiard balls in your sockets.
I disagree about every handsome actor/model having "small slender" eyes, but I can't find or think of any examples to prove otherwise, so I'll have to take your word for it.
<< I have big, far-apart eyes (which I try to cover up whenever possible but not too pretentious with a pair of aviators) and a small jaw (I heard somewhere that the ideal male has the complete opposite; a big jaw and small eyes). >>
I hope you don't mean that you actually wear aviators!
As for the masculine ideal, well few guys actually have those facial features. Research has shown that women have stronger prefferences for masculine facial features while they are considering short term hook ups. Women are more likely to prefer softer features when considering a long term relationship. Women are also more likely to prefer softer features when they have higher progesterone levels (pregnant, on the pill, or in the luteal phase of their cycle). Maybe you should find yourself a likely girl, who is on the pill, and try to achieve a long term relationship. (Please don't actually ask her if she is on the pill or what her progesterone is like that day). Don't just try to be her friend and don't pick some random girl who doesn't know you. No long goal oriented friendship if you can't be sincere about it anyway. YOu just don't want to be some stranger suddenly walking up and asking her out right away or after some lame 10min conversation. Pick a girl that you like, study with her or borrow or lend notes or something, then after she has gotten to know you a little bit (say a few study sessions, or a coffee or two after class or work) ask her out on a date. Don't build it up into some big production. Keep it simple and casual and stress free for both of you. If you ask her for coffee (or bubble tea or a coffea crisp or whatever), don't make it a date in the future. That is too complicated and too much build up. Just say, "hey, So-and-so, do you want to come with me and get a coffee after we get this done?". If you say that then she will know that you are interested. If she says no, then accept it and move on. Just say "hey, thats fine, let me know if you change your mind, i'll see you next class" or some other situationally appropriate thing. That way there is little awkwardness and less pressure. DO NOT BUG HER ANYMORE ABOUT IT. If she changes her mind she will let you know, but realize that is not likely. Also, do not try this with a different girl every week or everyone will know that you are a desperate player and no girl will think that you are interested in her specifically. It is not flattering or comfortable to talk to someone who just thinks of you as a random piece of meat. You have to wait for opportunities. You just cannot manufacture a new prospective partner at any time. One last piece of advice, and I may get flamed for this but whatever, pick a girl who is approximately in your 'league'.
>One last piece of advice, and I may get flamed for this but whatever, pick a girl who is approximately in your 'league'.<
I doubt you're going to get flamed over that. I think it's absolutely appropriate to go after someone in your "league."
And Redon, seriously, everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) has something about their body that they hate. So you're no different and it sounds like you may have a slight case of body dysmorphia going on.
And Redon, seriously, everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) has something about their body that they hate.
I totally agree.
The way someone carries theirself says a whole lot about their attitude and confidence. Which is why someone who may not be attractive in the classical sense (you know - like the movies Redon has mentioned) may still be absolutely hot.
I have a whole lot about my body that I hate. :) My nose is too big, my skin has marks from when I had chicken pox, and I have this pudge around my middle that I'll probably never get rid of even through I eat right and exercise most every day. We can't do much about genetics unfortunately.
But we CAN accept it and be comfortable with it. When WE'RE not comfortable with ourselves, no one else is either.
Redonculous,
I'm not sure that you are a misogynist, but rather, less than mature. You are 20, if I understood correctly, and your hormones are raging. High levels of testosterone, in addition to fueling your sex drive, also fuel aggression and anger.
In constant anger, you keep complaining that you have not been given any advice on this forum...but we have posted a) that you need counseling....that's very concrete advice, and we are not trained professional counselors dispensing counseling services on this form....and b) you are young and need to grow up, which means the things you are looking for take time (this is a piece of "parental" advice, equivalent to your dad telling you to be patient in life)....which leads to c) the corollary advice of not focusing so much on something, like sex, which you appear to be fixated on, and do something good for others, ie become involved in some volunteer service activities where you might make some friends and inadvertently learn those subtle nuances of life, such as flirting and getting along with others, etc.
Clearly we have given you advice. Stop being fixated on sex, get some counseling, give it some time, maybe even change who you hang out with by joining a service organization, and things will change with time. Nothing changes overnight. Eventually (in years) your hormone levels will decline, and you will not feel so compelled to seek out sex with such anger and frustration, and with new experiences hopefully your attitude will change, too.
And, by the way, if I had had sex when I was around your age and the condom popped or leaked (which is not uncommon), you could be my son. Think about that as a consequence when you are thinking of having sex.
GOOD LUCK!
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