Why am I a misogynist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Why am I a misogynist?
56
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:19pm

I'm tired of people telling me on this board I'm a misogynist, that I hate women, that I'm whiny, emascualted, etc. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

I'm upset that I can't get a girl to want me. I'm upset that I can barely get a single date that doesn't end anywhere, or that I can't even get a drunken hookup at a party. I feel utterly lonely and frustrated because of it. I feel let down and disappointed for all those times growing up when I tried being there for a girl hoping that she'd give herself to me one day out of appreciation and it never happened.

I came to a woman's board for insight on how women think and feel so that I can use that knowledge to hopefully learn what it takes to get a girl interested in me. Why does that make me a bad person?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 2:02pm
Phatgenes, great advice. I must know, what is "bubble tea"? LOL!? Not poking fun here, seriously curious ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 3:06pm

Its a sort of fad in cosmopolitan Canadian Cities (Vancouver, Toronto etc) which follows a fad in some East Asian cities. I have no idea how popular it is in the States.

It's basically flavoured sweet tea (various flavours, mango, pistachio, vinilla, etc) with tapioca balls floating in it (bubbles). You drink it through a wide straw that is just big enough to suck up the bubbles which are between green peas and small marbles in size. I consider bubble tea a ritual demonstration of maturity in which the goal is to resist the temptation to fire the 'bubbles' at your friends like some blowgun wielding primitive.

I have not lived in a city for awhile so I'm not sure if the trend is fading or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 3:33pm
I know exactly what a bubble tea is. We call it "boba" here and I love those drinks. Especially the more common thai-iced tea drink.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 4:18pm

Eew!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:53pm

>>>Oh d*** it, how do I put this without making you feel bad about yourself? Some women are a lot more into looks than others. For some, average looks is perfectly fine if complemented by a great personality and a sense of humour. For others, looks is a lot more important. Some have a physical type, others don't and find many different 'types' attractive. Hate to be honest here but 5'7 and 'not the most handsome face' would not work for me, personally, but that is because I am a shallow fool who wants her man to be at least 6ft<<<

First off, I, for one, don’t think it’s shallow and wrong to be attracted to someone for their looks. It’s human nature. I don’t want to go out with a girl who isn’t atleast cute. But this is one thing I cannot forgive women about; their obsession with a guy’s height.

Everything that guys find unattractive about a girl, she can either fix or compensate it with something else. If a girl has bad skin, she can use make up. If she has messy hair, she can get her hair done. Even if she’s overweight, she can put down the fork and get on a treadmill. Even if a girl doesn’t have a pretty face, most guys will forgive that if she has a nice body.

But what can a guy do about his height? Nothing. You can tell an overweight girl to work out and exercise and lose the weight but you can’t tell a guy who short to become taller.

I was reading an internet personal and the girl asked for guys responding to her personal something along the lines if “please be drug free, disease free and atleast 6 feet tall.” That is absurd. Being shorter than 6 feet is as equal a deal breaker as using heroine and having herpes?

Either way, for all of women’s talk about how shallow men are, it really bothers me and seems really hypocritical that there’s such a widespread disposition towards short men.

>>>too skinny, and have a (not necessarily model perfect) 'wow' kind of face of which at least one feature is gorgeous(and long black hair but that is VERY specific so forget that). <<<

I’m imagining you’re guy right now and to be honest, he looks pretty goofy.

>>>What can I advise you? I'm stuck to be honest. Maybe you need to 'target' the girls who go for personality and charm and 'good boys'; make friends with them; see what happens. Maybe a 'bad boy' is a wrong choice of carrier for you. Maybe the whole idea of a 'casual hook up' is not for you, cause you're not a 'casual hook up' kind of person inside, whether you realise it or not. Sorry that I couldn't come up with a better answer.<<<

I tried being friends with girls and according to some of the women here, that was sleazy and deceiptful. How would I (or you) know if the “casual hook up” is not for me when I’ve never had sex before?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:06pm

>>>What's WRONG is that you desire to USE friendship as a means to an end. That's not friendship and the girl is 100 percent right to turn you down for a quick roll in the hay.<<<

I agree what I did was wrong; it was wrong because it was a lot of hard work and effort that didn't pay off. But I'm not going to let you tell me or any other guy that what I or they did was deceiptful and "using" her.

For the last time, no guy becomes friends with a woman to decieve her and emotionally manipulate her into sex. They do it because they genuinely believe that's how relationships worked and are formed. I genuinely believed, as do millions of other guys, that you get a girl by meeting her, becoming friends with her, you date, you have sex, then you're an item. I believed that's how it worked, that that's what I was supposed to do to get the girl.

If you don't want to be "decieved" and "used" by your male friends, then maybe you women should fess up and stop telling people you "want a guy to be my friend" and "a nice guy" and so forth.

>>>You've already stated specifically that you don't want to have a girlfriend. You just want to hook up casually so you don't "end up old wondering what might have been." <<<

When I was friends with those girls, I genuinely liked them and wanted to be in a relationship, but now that I'm older and a little wiser, I realize that I'm still young, that relationships are a lot of hard work and effort that I have my whole adult life ahead of me to have serious relationships.

I'm young and I just want to enjoy my youth. Like I said, I don't want to be 50 years old and have only been with 1 woman my whole life and constantly wondering if I missed out when I was younger.

>>>So your friendship, support, treating her like gold, like a queen, and so forth - is a means to an end. It means nothing, basically is what you're saying.<<<

Why does it mean nothing? Just because I desire something in return? Am I supposed to cut off my testicles and stop feeling attraction for her?

Then tell me, how should I have treated and felt towards all those girls I was friends with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:13pm

>>>I hope you don't mean that you actually wear aviators!<<<

When I’m outside or near a window and it’s bright out. But I don’t want to be that guy who wears sunglasses all the time indoors and at night. That’s just obnoxious.

>>>As for the masculine ideal, well few guys actually have those facial features. Research has shown that women have stronger prefferences for masculine facial features while they are considering short term hook ups. Women are more likely to prefer softer features when considering a long term relationship. Women are also more likely to prefer softer features when they have higher progesterone levels (pregnant, on the pill, or in the luteal phase of their cycle).<<<

That seems absurdly unfair and unreasonable. So only a few guys get to have fun, free casual sex with many women and the rest of us have to put all the time and effort into building relationships?

>>>Maybe you should find yourself a likely girl, who is on the pill, and try to achieve a long term relationship. (Please don't actually ask her if she is on the pill or what her progesterone is like that day).<<<

Once again, I don’t want a serious relationship.

>>>Don't just try to be her friend and don't pick some random girl who doesn't know you. No long goal oriented friendship if you can't be sincere about it anyway. YOu just don't want to be some stranger suddenly walking up and asking her out right away or after some lame 10min conversation. Pick a girl that you like, study with her or borrow or lend notes or something, then after she has gotten to know you a little bit (say a few study sessions, or a coffee or two after class or work) ask her out on a date. Don't build it up into some big production. Keep it simple and casual and stress free for both of you. If you ask her for coffee (or bubble tea or a coffea crisp or whatever), don't make it a date in the future. That is too complicated and too much build up. Just say, "hey, So-and-so, do you want to come with me and get a coffee after we get this done?". If you say that then she will know that you are interested. If she says no, then accept it and move on. Just say "hey, thats fine, let me know if you change your mind, i'll see you next class" or some other situationally appropriate thing. That way there is little awkwardness and less pressure. DO NOT BUG HER ANYMORE ABOUT IT. If she changes her mind she will let you know, but realize that is not likely. <<<

I’ll try, but like I said, it’s hard for me to meet girls. Like I said, how can I just get a girl to start talking to me (so I can have a change to do all this you mentioned above)? If I see a pretty girl walking past me at the mall or on campus, how do I stop her and introduce myself?

>>>Also, do not try this with a different girl every week or everyone will know that you are a desperate player and no girl will think that you are interested in her specifically.<<<

This is another example of contradictory advice I was telling you guys about before. I was told that I have just keep trying and trying talking to girls to learn to be comfortable, but now I’m being told not to talk to every single girl I see.
Which one am I supposed to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:19pm

>>>Redonculous,
I'm not sure that you are a misogynist, but rather, less than mature. You are 20, if I understood correctly, and your hormones are raging. High levels of testosterone, in addition to fueling your sex drive, also fuel aggression and anger.
In constant anger, you keep complaining that you have not been given any advice on this forum...but we have posted a) that you need counseling....that's very concrete advice, and we are not trained professional counselors dispensing counseling services on this form....and b) you are young and need to grow up, which means the things you are looking for take time (this is a piece of "parental" advice, equivalent to your dad telling you to be patient in life)....which leads to c) the corollary advice of not focusing so much on something, like sex, which you appear to be fixated on, and do something good for others, ie become involved in some volunteer service activities where you might make some friends and inadvertently learn those subtle nuances of life, such as flirting and getting along with others, etc. <<<

A bunch of sleazy, deceiptful, selfish guys who don’t give anything to society still manage to get tons of women. Why shouldn’t I have the same?

>>>Clearly we have given you advice. Stop being fixated on sex, get some counseling, give it some time, maybe even change who you hang out with by joining a service organization, and things will change with time. Nothing changes overnight. Eventually (in years) your hormone levels will decline, and you will not feel so compelled to seek out sex with such anger and frustration, and with new experiences hopefully your attitude will change, too. <<<

None of those things tells me at all how to hookup with a girl. I know it’s going to still bother me.

>>>And, by the way, if I had had sex when I was around your age and the condom popped or leaked (which is not uncommon), you could be my son. Think about that as a consequence when you are thinking of having sex.
GOOD LUCK!<<<

I’m also aware I could get herpes, warts, AIDS, etc, but life isn’t without risk.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:39pm

Interesting . . . obviously, I have never heard of it. I wonder if I'm missing it somehow or it just hasn't made it's way to the southeastern US yet. Hmmm.

Thanks for filling me in ; )

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 6:44pm
I agree that it's shallow to not want to be with someone because of their height, yes I do tend to date taller men but I haven't ruled out dating shorter men and have even had boyfriends who were my height or only an inch or 2 taller and I"m 5'5". Some people have preferences but it should only be "preferences" because if you rule out someone because of height then you might be missing out on a great person. I look a lot at personality and of course looks too but someone who is average and not that tall can be incredibly sexy if he has a great personality that clicks with mine.