Why am I a misogynist?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Why am I a misogynist?
56
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:19pm

I'm tired of people telling me on this board I'm a misogynist, that I hate women, that I'm whiny, emascualted, etc. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

I'm upset that I can't get a girl to want me. I'm upset that I can barely get a single date that doesn't end anywhere, or that I can't even get a drunken hookup at a party. I feel utterly lonely and frustrated because of it. I feel let down and disappointed for all those times growing up when I tried being there for a girl hoping that she'd give herself to me one day out of appreciation and it never happened.

I came to a woman's board for insight on how women think and feel so that I can use that knowledge to hopefully learn what it takes to get a girl interested in me. Why does that make me a bad person?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 4:27pm

<>

You are right about this argument to a certain extent. I'm not saying that you should never be frustrated about things that are not as good as you might have hoped. What I am saying is that you should keep your self pity to a minimum and keep it proportional to what you have suffered. There is no point in railing against things that cannot really be changed. Self pity is not an attractive trait. Everyone feels sorry for themselves sometimes, but when you feel like that you have to try to recognize it as self-pity, recognize that it will not help you, and try to find a constructive way to cope with the situation. By complaining all the time you are asking for special attention and sympathy instead of being an independant person and taking care of yourself. No one enjoys someone who says "please feel sorry for me" and no one respects them.

Part of the reason that you are getting a bad reaction is that you are whining on and on about something that almost everyone experiences to some degree. Most guys cannot pick up girls effortlessly all the time, even if they decided that they should. Most people find that they are sometimes (or often) attracted to people that are out of reach for one reason or another.

Another reason is that you are angry. You should get over that. No one here did this to you. It is not someone else's fault. It is not our responsibility to get you a date and it is not our fault if you cannot. Likewise, it is irrational for you to blame women in general for your lack of success. The responsibility is yours. Yes you face some challenges, as do we all, but you are the one who has the most ability to effect your own outcome. You are like someone who is trying to sell an unpopular product. It does you no good to get angry at the consumers because they don't want to spend their money on what you are selling. If you want to be successfull, then develop a product that people will want to buy. Women were not born with the responibility to put down their fork, put on their makeup, and then have sex with you.

It seems like you set up your questions so that when somebody answers you can take your anger out on them. You say something like: How can I pick up the beautiful girl that I might walk by in the shopping mall tomorrow? You know deep down that you cannot. You want someone to say "all you need to do is...." and then, when it does not work, you can lash out and confront them so that they are punished and you don't have to examine your own shortcommings. Some things are out of reach in life. Who should I confront because I will never be a millionaire, win the US open, front a rock band, or win the Nobel Prize? I know that you will say that a hook up is not the nobel prize, but the principle is the same: you cannot be angry at other people because you don't have something you want. People who spend all their time assigning blame to other people for their problems can never get past them. Do you want to be whiner or a winner? Your best strategy is to take responsibility for yourself. Use your brain to figure out what your reasonable expectations should be and what you have to do to achieve your goals. It would be nice to do it in an ethical way (i.e. don't take advantage of drunk girls or lie to get in some girl's pants). Try to be rational. Just because you feel angry about something does not mean that it is logical or appropriate for you to be angry. Question yourself and your motivations. Accept your limitations. Everyone has them. Your problems are not insurmountable but if you think that you can become a casanova you are in for dissappointment.

<> I would and so would many (most) other guys. I have known lots of guys that had a hard time getting laid that did not react like you have. When I was in highschool I had acne problems and I had a hard time with girls as far as relationships go. I had lots of girls who were platonic friends and I had a couple that I wanted more than that with. I never got mad at them, and even if I had, I would have had the sense to know that it was not a rational reaction.

This blame thing that you are doing comes from a personality trait in which people assign responsibility for events in their life to others. It is not serving you well. You may want to seek therapy (I'm not kidding, you need someone to guide you into constructive thinking patterns) or you may be able to think your way into better habits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 4:52pm

Thanks,

That is sweet of you to say. You havn't even asked about my height yet ;~)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 02-23-2007 - 5:28pm

<< just read an article regarding the choices that women make (as far as mating partners are concerned) throughout our monthly cycle, and you are right on the money. You could be teaching a biological anthropology class!>>

There is a discussion about this on the Battle of the Sexes board, and I have recently researched the topic a little to that end. I've always been interested in looking at human interactions from a biological perspective (that is probably because I am nominally a biologist and also a human). Probably the best book on the subject is a human sexuality book by Jared Diamond called "Why is Sex Fun?" I have not actually read it because I havn't seen it in stores but I will borrow it or order it if I cannot find it soon. I have read all of Diamond's other books though, which are (in order of publication): The Third Chimpanzee; Guns, Germs, and Steel; and Collapse. GG&S is one of the most interesting and informative books that I have ever read. It is incredibly good. It has nothing to do with sex, but if you like biology, ecology, and anthropology and you want to learn why the world is the way it is, that is the book to read. It has a huge amount of explanatory power and is not at all hard to get through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 1:59am
Thank you for saying what I've been dying to say!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2006
Sat, 02-24-2007 - 2:06am

Your replies, Phatgenes, have been refreshing. You're right, it's likely Redon's personality that is the biggest turnoff to meeting women and ultimately have sex. I mean, what are the odds that an average woman is keen on sleeping with a loser/whiner personality?

It's great that you folks are willing to try to analyze his looks, physique, etc., but I still say that it's tough to do all this online effectively.

anyhow, Phatgenes, I have enjoyed reading your responses.
thank you,
ethniccook

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 5:49pm

Hi redonculous,

Some advice from one guy to another - I see the women have tried their best to help you here. They have told you what to do/not do. As far as "how" - the detailed instructions - have you read any books on this topic? Here's a good one - "How to Talk to Women" by Ron Louis and David Copeland. Search for it on amazon.

You're just 20, you say? Time is on your side, believe me. PLEASE tell me you are in law school, cos I see that you have a very good knack for arguments :). Seriously, if you are not in law school, you should consider changing to it. Are you doing well in school? If not, you will surely be much worse off with women later. Remember that there are many countries in the world where even most college students NEVER date, as a rule, so that they can have a "better" life later. At that time, they get married, and have ONE sexual partner, for life, period.

This is not one of those countries, but I hope you are not ignoring your studies. You will get laid if you are successful in life. Maybe not as much as George Clooney, but you get the idea. Use your excess energy to hit the books "hard", who knows, you may become one of the most successful people you know? While you're still in your twenties, maybe you can still do something about your height. Get books on increasing height (they are out there), get an inversion table, do everything you can to increase your height, even by one or two inches. Buy them used if you dont have the money, being a student.

Girls (and women) do care about looks, despite everything we've heard over the years. (Unless you're Mick Jagger or Prince, in that case you would not be posting here). Do what you can to improve in looks. As someone said, try to ask out girls within your league as far as looks go.

I know it's hard to wait, but life just isn't fair, what can I say? We all learn this eventually, and learn to make the most of what we have.

I know you are attempting to "get to the source" and get advice from women, but have you ever really sought advice from men at all? By this I mean reading books on the subject. You should definitely do this.

Pages