Why Are We Not Hooking Up??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Why Are We Not Hooking Up??
18
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 9:30am


I had a conversation with a friend of mine last night, and he stated that he thinks the reason why we (as older adults) are not hooking up is because we “didn’t have good role models” as children. I said I felt it was because too many are selfish (selfish with self and the material), and as grown ass adults, we can’t blame our parents (or lack thereof) on our current situation. He then explained that if a man doesn’t have anyone to emulate as he’s growing up, he won’t know how to be a man now. I told him his “excuse” could possibly be legitimate for the current generation but not OUR generation since we’ve been around long enough to take responsibility for our choices and direction in life. What do you think?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:48am

Are you referring to hooking up as casual sex or as getting into long-term serious relationships?

I know less people are age are getting married as young but it seems like people are still having casual sex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:15am
Long-term relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:38am

Our needs are changing...we no longer need to get married to be supported. Instead we're looking for someone we truly connect with on several levels. This allows us to be more selective. We could all be in something super serious/long term if we wanted to be.

There just doesn't seem to be a rush either. I know that I can support myself and be happy without a partner so I'm not seeking someone to fill a void in my life. Instead I'm looking for someone who complements me as a person, maybe this goes back to being a bit more selective.

I don't think it's a role model thing at all, that sounds like a cop out. We know how to exist with another person, we can make all sorts of relationships work in our daily lives. I think if someone really feels they didn't have a good role model for a positive serious relationship than they should work on fixing that...find a role model now or see a counselor that can help you through your concerns.

That's just my two cents.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:59am
I agree with you, once one becomes an adult they have to start placing the responsibility on themselves. It's all about choices. I think one can choose to blame their childhood and remain stuck in a difficult place or they can accept the less than stellar upbringing, choose to leave it in the past, and make a better future for themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 3:03pm
Yup, totally agree that we need to start taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices and not blame it on our parents. I also agree with another poster in that we are becoming more selective because we don't "need" to be married or have a significant other, we would rather find someone that compliments us. I also think another reason is as we get older we become more cautious and fear getting hurt so we are more careful and fearful of getting into relationships, because as we get older we have more dating experiences and have been hurt more as a result. When we meet someone new we want to make sure that the other person we are with has our best interests in mind, really likes us for who we are, and not just there to pass time. I know having fear of getting hurt is an excuse too but it is true, after awhile you just can't help to trust people less and less because of past experiences. It takes longer to open up to others.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 3:16pm
I agree with the part about the "current generation," because I grew up as a part of the current generation. I was always told growing, by girls, parents (especially mom), the media and society, that "Men are pigs," "Men are horny buffoons," "It's wrong to see women sexually," "Be sensitive," "Be courteous," "Be a gentleman." We were told that men are supposed to be overly sensitive and self-sacrificizing towards women at the expense of their own masculinity and sexuality. But after years of trying that and ending up with no results, and seeing tons of other young men ending up the same way, I can't help but feel like an entire generation of young men has been lied to and betrayed.


Edited 2/9/2007 3:34 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 3:59pm

YOU SAID:


"Be sensitive," "Be courteous," "Be a gentleman." We were told that men are supposed to be overly sensitive and self-sacrificizing towards women at the expense of their own masculinity and sexuality. But after years of trying that and ending up with no results, and seeing tons of other young men ending up the same way, I can't help but feel like an entire generation of young men has been lied to and betrayed.


I'm having trouble with this statement that a "whole generation of young men has been lied to and betrayed". My DBF flat-out shocked me with his chivalry. When we started dating, he:



  • held the door for me,

  • opened the car door for me,

  • helped me on/off with my coat,

  • pulled out my chair,

  • remained standing till I sat,

and a whole host of other gentlemanly behaviors that I had never experienced before. I never thought much about them but when I came home and told my mom, she said, "His mama raised him right." Guys don't do that much anymore.


That was being courteous, being a gentleman, and as for being senstitive - he does that too. Bringing a Mother's Day gift for my mom spoke volumes to me. He also would take her to appointments and whatever she needed when I wasn't around to do it.


He is still very masculine, never gave up his sexuality in any way and has had other girlfriends besides me.


Now I know I'm only giving an example of one person, but if you have done these things and not had any results, maybe you need to look at other aspects of yourself that maybe drive a girl away from you.

Pooh1972


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

summer 2010 sig by Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 4:37pm

There is some truth to our early parental relationships and how they can influence our later relationships in life. Attachment theory explains it really well. So while I disagree with blaming our parents entirely (we all have choices to make and lives to live and accept the way we make our beds), I DO think that those relationships have HUGE ramifications for future relations, not only just intimate, but also friendships, working relationships and with our peers.

Photobucket


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 5:06pm

I think the reason people don't hook up as much is b/c marriages nowaday are not formed for many of the reasons that they used to. People used to get married for practical purposes and many times mariage it wasn't even for love. People are pickier about a choice for a partner b/c of heavier emphasis on romantic and soul connection rather than for just to find someone to just raise a family or help you with practical things like tending the farm or running your business. There's less pressure for women to get married. For both sexes, being unmarried past a certain age is less of a stigma. Women can be financially independent w/o a man. For the men, there's less of a need for someone to tend the nest and many can get sex w/o marriage. I came to this conclusion after observing that the men who are commitmentphobic don't necessarily come from dysfunctional families or had no role models. In fact, many come from intact and relatively "normal" families.

Personally speaking, I've been wanting to marry forever but haven't for the first reason I mentioned. I'm pretty sure I'm a great catch so why don't they just take my word for it! So frustrating that the other person has a say in it. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 1:22pm

>>>I'm having trouble with this statement that a "whole generation of young men has been lied to and betrayed".<<<

Maybe that isn't the case. Maybe no one INTENTIONALLY lied to them, but like I said, "I can't help feel like" it has. And even if it wasn't intentional, I still believe that a whole generation of young men has still been misled into accepting a false reality.

Just look at guys born in the last 20-25 years; guys who spent their adolescence and teenage years (the age when they’re starting to like girls and look to outside influences on how to act around them) with the “chick flick” and the “nineties man” and other concepts that basically emotionally and mentally castrate men.

Is it any wonder that so many young men have trouble finding girls? Is it any wonder why more young men than ever before are suffering from eating disorders, depression and suicide?

Pages