Why Can't I Ever Make the First Move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Why Can't I Ever Make the First Move?
4
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 1:57pm

I'm a young, attractive Asian woman whose never made the first move. I don't know if its a cultural thing, since I've always been used to being the one to be asked out. I've seen some guys I'd possibly wanted to talk to but I never make the move since I expect him to talk to me first. Is something wrong with me? Should I stop this expectation? How do I get over this set boundary I have in my mind and just go for it?

HELP!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 2:31pm
If you encounter a guy whom you are interested in, why not slip him a business card and ask him to give you a call sometime? I think if it were a co-worker or someone I see on a semi-regular basis, I myself couldn't be so bold but there have been a few times I've done this while having cocktails with friends and surprisingly enough, some of them have actually called! If this route seems a little risky or you don't think you have the confidence, let me ask you, are you a good flirter? Maybe you should brush up on your flirting skills?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 4:32pm

I think most women would prefer for the man to make the first move, so I don't think you're weird at all.

Rather than making a move like asking him out, you could try flirting more obviously to send the message that you're interested.

Do you have a specific situation in mind? If you tell us more, we might be able to offer specific suggestions.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 3:43am

Dear Chloe,

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, lots of women have trouble or don't feel comfortable making the first move. I'm 29 years old and don't believe in many old-fashioned ideals about what is appropriate behavior for a woman relative to dating, career, or marriage. However, some of it I agree with as far as letting the man come to you and that he should make the effort in a courtship. I don't believe that contemporary men even today, prefer to be pursued by the woman. They want to come to you and if you envelope the attention and attach yourself too fast, this will scare them off as well since you need to let them know, 'I am interested, but not needy'.

On the other hand, even though in the pursuit theory I am traditional- I think it's great to make the first move in providing an invitation for him to make the first move! Such as eye contact, directing a smile at a man, or even walking up next to him to order a drink or place yourself casually near him with an approachable demeanor. Guys who aggressively or boldy approach a woman or a group of women most likely are the types you do not like. Sometimes it's the best type of guy (non-cockey, or neanderthal who is wasted) who does not automatically invade a woman's space. They are timid as well!

Why not find a happy medium with it and instead of wanting to boldly walk up to a man and ask him out- and then being disappointed in yourself- tell yourself you can make your move through body language and creating an opportunity for him to come to you?

Next time you spot a guy, see what happens and make sure he sees your eye contact. Not a brief glance, but a strong few seconds of meeting his eyes and smiling. Even if it's from across the room, that is a strong gesture. Your smile will get you everywhere and I'm sure by being brave enough to flirt this way, or by standing next to him and smiling at him when he notices you, you will find that you will in fact be making the first move and hopefully making a new connection!

Amy Laurent
www.amylaurent.com

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 9:27pm
My two cents: I agree it's better for the man to make the move...and I think it's better if the man actually asks for the date. But in addition to flirting and eye contact, you could also just make conversation with the guy. It doesn't have to be anything heavy. If you're at a party together you could just ask, "How do you know the host?" If a guy is interested, it's usually clear pretty quickly.If you're at a dog park, you could ask him what his dog's name is. Just simple stuff.