why do looks matter so much to guys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
why do looks matter so much to guys?
29
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 2:49pm

I have posted on this board once before for advice on what to do when guys just don't go for you. Basically, Im almost 30 and although I think I have a lot to offer and have a lot of friends both guy and girl, I know I am not the "prettiest girl at the dance" to use that expression. Even when I asked my best friend who is always honest with me, she would not give me a straight answer. I dont blame her, im sure she felt bad. By the way its not a weight issue - I am actually pretty slim - I guess its just looks.

The last year or so has been very very hard for me because I see lots of friends settling down etc. or at the very least meeting people, while I pretty much am invisible to the oppposite sex. I try things like hair/makeup to improve my appearance but it hasnt gotten me any results. Its so hurtful when Im out and I see a cute scanning the room and Im passed over in a split second even when I think "wow maybe I look good tonight". I tried online dating a few times, but, you guessed it, as soon as I send a pic I never hear from the guy again.

Of course I know looks matter, but I dont know how to cope with it since its such a problem in my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 1:27pm
:-))
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:12pm

Show me the most attractive/hottest girl you can find, and I will show you at least two men tired of f***ing her. "

ITA with this statement. It may be crass but it's completely true :-)

I believe that these hot women that are angry and b1thcy have something going on within them where they don't love and accept themselves, so looks really has nothing to do with how we perceive ourselves because some of the hottest women in the world have deep internal issues and don't like themselves. The way you treat others is a direct reflection on how you feel about yourself.

I just have to say this to all the average or less than average women who are looking for someone: The men who are healthy emotionally and are catches would rather be with an average woman who knows who she is and is comfortable in her own skin anyday than with a high maintanence/b1tchy woman. If a guy wants just arm candy then he probably is instable emotionally himself and who wants that. It's a good way of screening out the healthy men who respect themselves vs the unhealthy ones who put way too much emphasis on looks and what others think of his girlfriend or date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 6:13pm

Come on ladies...we are just as shallow as the men. My GF's and I when we were younger used to describe men as, "I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed" material.

We would comment on their having flat bums, or fat bums. What they wore, the state of their hairlines, etc. We are not immune to passing judgement on men for their looks.

How many brave male souls have come up to you in a bar only for you to snub them? You think it's bad to be ignored and passed over, face-to-face rejection has to be worse and we expect men to come up to us to have the possibility that just may happen.

If we think attractive women are shallow, I am sure the same shoe is worn by equally attractive male counterparts.

Men are visceral creatures. They see a woman who looks attractive to them, and they may just have the b*lls to go up and talk to her. What they are looking for depends on the man. If the woman is not engaging in her conversation, or shows lack of interest in them usually they will take the hint and hit the high road. Some are more persistent than others, but most will get the hint.

I think also the older we get, the less looks are important. We look for other qualities in our mates other than hot. That's more when we are younger and we want to be 'seen' dating someone 'hot'.

Funny thing about women we aren't necessarily as shallow about looks, but there are lots of women who are shallow about men and how much money they have. I was just telling a GF I had met a new bloke about a month ago, who happens not to live in my city (boo!), but anyway the first questions she asked me are: what does he do for a living; does he make good money; what's his house like; does he own his own house; what car does he drive. I told her I hadn't looked at his W2s yet, so didn't know the answers. She actually asked me if it had reached that point yet. I was joking with her.

So, my point is we beat men up for choosing us for looks, when we just as much choose them for their financial ability to take us out in a style we would like to be accustomed to.

For the OP who feels passed over; all I can say is smile all the time, make eye contact with those you see you are interested in and smile at them so they get the idea. Also men look to see how women act with other men who may approach them. If you're being heinous towards them at all, the other men are taking note. So be lovely to them all, and above all be sweet.

From the newly-reformed Beach (I'm actually defending the blokes for once! It must be a cold day somewhere...)

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:27pm

The men who are healthy emotionally and are catches would rather be with an average woman who knows who she is and is comfortable in her own skin anyday than with a high maintanence/b1tchy woman.


I absolutely agree.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:30pm

So, my point is we beat men up for choosing us for looks, when we just as much choose them for their financial ability to take us out in a style we would like to be accustomed to.


You're gonna have to speak for yourself on this one, beach.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 10:48am
You make a good point there. I do think there are more women than men who are healthy because women overall are more likely to look at themselves and get help but guys tend to say "I'm fine, I don't need any counseling or anything". But I think that will eventually change because some guys are starting to become more healthy. The reality of the situation is that most of us need outside help or counseling because life can be very hard sometimes and takes it's toll on us and getting healthy yourself helps your relationship. I don't mean to preach this idea but I've seen it all around me and seen things change when people get healthy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2001
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 2:54pm

"You're gonna have to speak for yourself on this one, beach."

I was speaking not necessarily for me, but for the women I run into all the time. Maybe they are just particularly shallow in Virginia Beach, but go to the country clubs and you'll see lots of women who are half the age of their husbands. Wonder why they married them? They probably aren't healthy emotionally, but they are around.

We're making out like we are the nicest women to ever live and never judge a man on anything.

So I guess my question is: Would you be happy to date any guy just because he asked you on a date? Especially since there is nothing we women judge them on, because we are all so fair.

Beach

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 10:24pm

Using the word "we" instead of saying "the women I know" implies that you're speaking for all women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Tue, 09-04-2007 - 10:44pm
OMG!!!!!! This is exactly me!! This is exactly how I feel! I'm average in looks- I think I'm good looking, but I'm not a supermodel (so pretty much average & normal) but I get overlooked so many friggin times! I'm not a moron, I'm not clingy, I'm low-maintenance, easy-going, always laughing, not a prude but not a skank either, and not a drama queen. I think I have a lot to offer, but for some reason I am invisible to men, and it really bothers me. If I thought I was worthless, that would be a self-esteem issue and something I could work on to change. But I don't have low self-esteem, and I'm just a normal girl. It bothers me that I think I'm worthy female material but men obviously don't think I'm worth it. Which is something I can't really work on to change, it's just opinion. It angers me so much that I get rejected so quickly, with a single look, before I even get the chance to prove that I'm worth pursuing. I'm ready to give up on guys instead of dealing with constantly being compared and dismissed. It's so hurtful, to always feel inadequate, like you'll just end up a crazy cat lady and die alone because you're not gorgeous. Ug, it makes me so sad sometimes that I can hardly breathe. I'm normally pretty good at ignoring my single status and feeling like I need a man, but sometimes it just rears its ugly head and I nearly choke on my emotions (always when I'm in my room with no one around to distract me). It just seems so hopeless and I've been resisting giving in to believing that this is my lot in life and that I should just accept my invisibility and be the cat lady, die alone.. idk. It's so sad and depressing that so much of your worth to the opposite sex is based on looks.

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