Why do men do this?
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| Wed, 02-22-2006 - 12:32pm |
Okay, I suppose the real title should be "Why do people do this?" because as soon as I say 'just men' or 'just women' someone will be around to prove me wrong.
That said, I'm talking about men this time. Specifically, two men.
A couple years ago, I was good friends with this guy and thought briefly that I might date him if he asked. Well, it turned out that he was still on-again-off-again with an ex and though I didn't believe this at the time, he was not over her for whatever reason. We never dated but the thing is, he said so often that we should. He said how we liked the same things, had the same values, opinions, etc. but never asked me out. It was such a mystery.
Now, again I have this "friend" that wants to hang out all the time, calls for no reason, shares my opinions/hobbies/interests but, for a reason unknown to me, is still hung up on his ex. Because I'm a little smarter than I was a couple years ago, I'm not waiting around for him to ask me out. But, the mystery is still there.
Why would a guy say and do all the things you'd expect an interested person to do and yet, leave out the most important element of actually asking you out? Is he trying to have a back up plan? Is he a game player? Is he just a jerk with a really good disguise?

I have experience this in the past as well, and it baffles me. I guess I end up thinking that he's trying to use me as a back up, but he's still in love with girl #1 and doesn't quite want to let go yet.
I never want to be second best, and I feel like people should deal with their first relationship (i.e. officially break up, get a divorce, find closure, etc) before trying to start a new one.
It will be better for you to go out with a guy who is really over his ex. He might be interested, but it sounds like he's definitely still confused. You deserve to have someone who has no confusion about how great you are and how much he wants to be with you.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Ah, the "ambivalent man"! A type I know all too well, unfortunately. I just got an email from one of mine, in fact...he emails about 1-2 times a year, makes noises about asking me out, and then disappears again.
Rhonda Findling wrote a wonderful book called "Don't Call that Man!" which has a chapter about these guys...and as I recall, the conclusion was basically, there's no use asking why, they are how they are, and the best thing to do is *avoid* them. I think she may have even written a later book on the phenomenon, if I'm not mistaken.
Sheri
When you said "Ambivalent Man" it made me think of that hilarious book "The Official Hottie Hunting Field Guide." If you have not seen it, try. Just take a look at the table of contents and you will get an idea of what it's about:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972022104/ref=sib_rdr_dp/103-1029346-4832615?%5Fencoding=UTF8&me=ATVPDKIKX0DER&no=283155&st=books&n=283155
LOL.
Love "How to properly address pink slip protocol when removing a hottie from your collection."
AJ, enjoying life with C.
That book looks hilarious! I might have to give it a read, if only for entertainment purposes.
I'm SO trying not to make excuses for this guy, but sometimes I can't help it. It's like 80% of me is logical and knows I deserve better and the other 20% absolutely adores him and sees nothing wrong with waiting around for him to come to his senses.
Arrrgh! I hate it! Hopefully soon it will be like 90/10. :-)
That looks hilarious!
It's because they're wusses.
I like your idea. Especially if the guy is stilling getting over an ex. I too experienced the same thing. The guy I was recently interested in has an ex. Whenever we talked his ex would be mentioned in the conversation. I thought it was nice that he cared for her. But after I made the mistake of asking him out, and he ran, I now see that he is not over his ex and he will not find someone until that happens.
I agree, it is easier for them to flirt and see if they can get you to like them. There is a guy at work that I am attracted to and he flirts with me all the time. He goes out of his way to flirt. I discreetly gave him my phone number and did he call? NO, but he keeps on flirting so I finally gave up acting interested and started ignoring him and it made him flirt even more! Go figure. His friends said he doesn't want to get serious with anyone. Okay that's fine. Just because I would like to go out on a date with him doesn't mean I'm going to fall madly in love with him. Maybe he's afraid he'll fall madly in love with me. LOL!
One of my best friends (a woman) flirts with guys to see if she can win them over and then she acts disinterested. It's a game with her to see if "she's still got it". Maybe this is how alot of guys are.