Why do people think it's so easy to get sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Why do people think it's so easy to get sex?
21
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 10:22am

I was reading the Dear Prudie colum in Slate online.

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/07/dear_prudence_how_can_i_have_sex_as_a_fiftysomething_woman.1.html

The first question is from a 50-plus widow who misses sex and wonders if she is abnormal for wanting sex, especially with much younger men.  Prudie assure her that she is not and says "but I guarantee if you want partners you will find them."  (She suggests posting an online dating ad which indicates that she's not looking for commitment.)  Well I can tell you, as a 50-plus woman, that it certainly isn't that easy to find guys to have even casual sex with unless maybe you look like Christic Brinkley.  Of course I have been propositioned occasionally by really creepy drunk guys in bars or guys online that I haven't met and the operative word here is again, creepy.  I'm not even talking about getting a younger guy or a guy who looks like a model--I'd be happy with an average looking middle aged man.  I wouldn't be opposed to having some casual sex but I wouldn't put an ad up to get it--I could just imagine who would come out of the woodwork then!  I've heard many times that people say "oh if you want sex, that's easy to get."  Yeah, if you are 25 and cute, I imagine that guys are lining up, but for us middle aged women, not so much.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2013

Interesting topic. Do you think it is because of the way older men were raised or do you think it is honestly based on the appearances of older woman?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

My obviously biased opinion is that older women take a lot more care of their appearance than older men--we tend to dress fashionably, get hair styled, use makeup and try to keep fit (obviously there are exceptions to that rule).  If you look at OLD, there are a lot of bald, obese old men who still have the illusion that they can get women 20 yrs younger than they are to go out--now I can see that guys who are still hot looking are going to go for the younger women but even guys who have no chance don't seem to want to date women their own age.

For ex, I have a male friend who is 65--he's athletic so he has a very fit body, but his face is definitely wrinkled so you can tell he's not young.  The woman he decides to ask out is my friend who is 45 and looks like a model--she does not want to date him because he's too old for her.  He has even asked out younger women.  As far as I know, he doesn't have a GF.  he keeps trying to date the 45 yr old, who keeps rejecting him--but he doesn't get the hint.  There are a bunch of other women in their 50's who are still good looking and fit yet they are too "old" for him--so he'd rather be alone?  doesn't make sense to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2013

lol I have a male friend who is 50 but honest to God thinks people think he is in his 20s. He is very athletic and fit but he is a sun worshipper and it has taken its toll on his skin and face. He could easily pass for a 60 year old and he can't see how weathered he looks at all. He truly believes he is too "young at heart" and youthful looking to date what he calls old woman (woman 40 and over). Its really pathetic because he can get a 25-30 year old for a few dates because he has a nice car and flashes cash but once they discover he doesn't have money they stop answering his calls and texts.

 I came to the conclusion years ago that men don't like a manicured woman with well set hair and appropriate clothing. They just want a young woman to prove to themselves they are still young and hot. No matter how old they get.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

If you want to know what a man thinks, ask a man!  According to my DH, when a guy is VERY young, and thinks about NOTHING except sex, he pretty much will attack the "open mouth of a snake".  As they get a little older, and a little more discriminating, even if she looks like a sheep, you can throw a flag over her head, and (pop) her for Old Glory! 

Women look for looks.  My dh says, men look for a body.  "Forget the makeup--it makes a mess.  Forget the stiff hair, no one wants to touch that, and it's gonna get messed up too.  Forget the clothes, and the fancy underwear.  It 's coming off anyway.  Guys want women who aren't sloppy fat, saggy or who look like they can't do anything except lay there."

Music, you CAN find partners, if you really want them.  They are the fat, bald, short, odd-looking ones that you have said you don't want.  Of course, it is also true that a lot of them don't want fat, arthritic, or odd, either. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Really Sabrtooth, you know nothing about me if you think that the reason that I can't find partners is just that I am rejecting men because they are unattractive--first of all you should read my other post about the fact that I would like to date a guy in my dance class who is smart and nice but short and not very attractive--first of all, I'm only 5'1" so height really doesn't matter to me.  I don't care if men are bald either.  As far as weight, I don't mind if a guy is a little overweight but since I love to dance and also like going out to do things, I don't want someone who is so fat that all they want to do is sit on a sofa and can't walk around the block.  At middle age you also have to know that someone who is very fat is probably going to have major health problems--why sign up for that?

As far as your DH's theory that as long as women aren't fat they can get men, well I have one friend who has always been very tiny all her life--she's about 5 ft and literally weighs less than 100 lbs.--she eats normally, that's just her shape.  Since she ditched the abusive BF about a year or so ago, I don't think anyone has asked her out--but maybe that's just her.  My other friend is turning 60 but she could pass for 50--she used to model in her native Brazil so you can imagine her figure--in the few years that I've known her she has had occasional dates but no BF yet she's a charming, friendly, well educated woman. 

Now I realize that I'm not a "10" in looks but I'm not horrible either.  But you just can't believe how many middle aged women I know who are good looking, fit and great personalities, interesting, have jobs (so not looking for a sugar daddy)--and none of them have BFs.  Of course I always love it when long married people, who have not actually experienced middle aged dating, absolutely know that it must be so easy to find someone and it must only be because I am too picky!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 11:15pm

I didn't say you could find a life partner.  I said you could get LAID.  And I stand by what I said.  If ALL you want is sex, it can be had, if you are not picky.  Hell, I'm 80 lbs overweight, and I had patients making passes at me!!  And they knew I was married!  I guess having their heads nestled between my 38DD's emboldend them.  One memorable line--  "I'm not as good as I once used to be, but I'm as good ONCE as I used to be!" 

And this leads me to another point.  Even if women SAY all they are interested in is sex, guys don't believe them.  Guys think a woman is looking for a bf.  Your  response confirms that you, despite what you said, are NOT just looking for sex, either.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 11:21pm
BTW, I said my dh said men looking JUST TO GET LAID, are looking for bodies--not nice hairdos, nice clothes, or intelligent conversation. If you've ever been to a nudie bar, you would see that a lot of the girls look like a horse's behind. But if they can walk up a pole using just their thighs, nobody CARES what their face looks like!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2006

Hey Music, dont take anything of what this "poster" sais to heart, ONE EAR IN THE OTHER OUT!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 7:10am

Sabrtooth,

I have a suggestion for you.

Leave your beloved husband at home, get  yourself looking as good as you possibly can, maybe a low-cut dress that covers most of  lower body if you are 80 lbs overweight,  and go to a bar, club, whatever. Attempt to attract attention of a decent looking middle-aged bloke with view to sh-ing him - try to get yourself a ONS. See where you get. I do not mean crusty 80 y old alkies who prop up the bar all day and will be more than happy with an enthusiastic sheep. Neither do I mean 18 y olds with slight developmental difficulties who are 'exploring the world' and don't mind much who, where or how. I mean, a regular, attractive, well dressed, CLEAN SMELLING, ok-sounding 55-60 y old bloke.

Then come back here and let us know what happens. What you do in this thread is talk talk talk  -  in a mind-blowingly insulting, demeaning and belittling way -  without the slightest real life knowledge of the subject. Once you've done my little experiment, you will know what's going on out there re: middle aged women wanting casual sex.

Ehm.. good luck to you. You will certainly need a lot of it.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

[First of all, off-topic: I am amazed at what people will say anonymously on a message board to other people. I wonder how bold they would be if that person were standing in front of them?]

Now, on to the topic. First of all, I'm not looking for casual sex. For me to be able to enjoy sex, I need more of a connection. It's just not enjoyable to me if I feel it's "just sex." I'm not judging here, I'm just letting you know where I'm coming from on this. And perhaps paradoxically, I really, really like sex, and I miss it a great deal. It goes without saying that I would never run an ad on an adult site looking for casual sex. I just can't really imagine how people get together this way..."Finish up that cup of coffee, hon, and let's go to my place and ****..."

I've had opportunities to have sex with men, three of which I met from match.com. They weren't gross, older fat men, but for me, I need that connection. In the case of one, I was feeling a connection--but he wasn't. Why would I want to go through that heartache of having sex with him and then he didn't call? It's bad enough when you have a few dates (without sex) and they don't call.

Attractiveness (and youth) has always been a huge advantage in the dating/sex scene. But there are plenty of average-looking people who manage to find partners.

But yes, there are misinformed people who think sex is so easy to come by for single people, they assume you're just out hopping from bed to bed, or that you at least have all these opportunities. Sex is complicated for most people. I don't care how casual a relationship is, as soon as sex enters the picture, it becomes a whole new ball game. Seems that way to me anyway.

So, Music, I have no advice for you. I have no clue except I think a lot of it is luck. But I wonder, when you say you would go for casual sex, how do you define that? Would it be OK if it never turned into a relationship?  

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