Why do we love what we can't have?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Why do we love what we can't have?
7
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 9:19pm

I was just sitting here thinking of this tonight. It seems like everyone always wants more and more when they can't, or shouldn't, have something. It's like you can never have enough. We see this so much in dating...men and women both chase someone who's a challenge, who they can't have, or shouldn't want.

I'm kind of going through this myself right now. When I was 14, I fell in love with one of my friends. It was a very volatile thing, he broke my heart so many times, because he'd give me a little bit, then take it away, which would make me only want it more. For 2 years, we went through this song and dance, and then he disappeared, running away from home, and I never saw him again. He was my entire high school experience, the only thing I remember clearly from those times. He was the one I pined after, and would have died for.

Well, I found him on mySpace 2 months ago, and we've been talking, and have a date tomorrow night. We're doing this dance once again...he'll say something that makes me think he might want me, then when I give a little and say something, he backs off. Then I back off, and he starts chasing me again. Over and over and over. It's like, we can't get enough of the game. I just don't understand it.

I know that he's not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I keep getting pulled to him anyway...then I decide that I can't do it, that it's not right, and I back off...and then he comes running back to me, which makes me want to run back to him.

When will it stop? And why do we chase after what we can't have, and why is it just the love of the game that keeps us going? Why do we get bored so easily when we can get something, only wanting more and more, because what we have is never enough?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 12:19pm

I personally think it goes back to ones childhood. I have witnessed very loving, healthy relationships so I know they do exist.

I have dated countless nice guys but felt smothered by all of their attention. Then I would revert to the emotionally unavailable man and would suddenly find myself smitten. Did you have an attentive father? My father was a work-aholic and while he was a good provider and never abused our mother or strayed from their marriage, I don't know, something was lacking. If we sought attention which, meant approaching him and almost literally asking for it, we would get love we craved from him but he never doted on us. Hugs and kisses were not given out on a daily basis. I happen to think that this is subconsciously what I seek in my adult relationships.

I'm no psychiatrist, and a lot of folks may find this summation nauseating, but I think that there is at least some validity to the theory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 10:13am

Oh, boy, did I want someone I couldn't have, and shouldn't have wanted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 12:26pm
If I would have hung on to the guy in the navy any longer then I would have missed out on what I have right now. I was so infatuated with this guy and kept wanting to win his affections over and was so blinded that I couldn't see two feet in front of me. I look back and wonder what the heck I saw in him too. The chemistry took hold of me and it's so easy to have that happen too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 1:42pm
I completely agree with your "psychiatric evaluation" of why we seek out such relationships. I am very interested in psychology especially since I came from a very dysfunctional family, so this stuff doesn't bore or annoy me at all, on the contrary :-). I believe that if your Dad is not emotionally there for you ,you will seek out relationships with EU men to try to fix what you didn't have with your father. If you can "make" the guy fall head over heels then you feel as if you resolved those issues. I did it countless numbers of time and finally decided that I deserved an emotionally available man. It's best that we all try to resolve those "Dad issues" before we get into relationships because being with a guy who is caring and emotionally available can be a very uncomfortable/scary thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 6:04pm
I was in a relationship for 4 years with an emotionally unavailable man. When I look back at that one, I think to myself how we had NOTHING in common, really. But I don't really feel like it had anything to do with my relationship with my father. Or maybe it did. Ow, my head hurts! There's so many psychological reasons for so many things...













iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 7:38pm
Yeah there are huh? Hard to say for what reason we pine for those that dont' pine for us back. I think the Dad thing is one reason but there are others too. It's just that we have to make a conscious effort to avoid those types of men that don't want us back because it's unhealthy and a self-fullfilling prophecy to continue those types of relationships however hard it may be to leave these guys.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2007
Tue, 04-10-2007 - 1:26am

Be direct. Tell him what you want, that you're not interested in the dance.

Why can't you have him? He's just a guy. And if he agreed to go on a date with you again after all this time it's a good sign that he's interested in you. At the very least you can have a good time!

If you're direct with him then you'll know where you stand. If he says he's interested in more then you're set. If he just wants to be friends then move on.

Sounds harsh, but you deserve to be happy. If the guy you're into isn't making you happy there are lots of other guys who will. You'll meet someone else if this guy doesn't do it for you.