why don't girls like me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
why don't girls like me?
50
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 12:28am

I'm sick of not having and never having had a girlfriend. I'm sick of never having had sex before. I'm sick with the fact that I haven't even kissed a girl in 2 years. I'm 20 years old and in college, and I'm sick of seeing young attractive girls all over the place and not being able to have them. I'm sick of them never even looking my way. I'm sick that every girl I liked told me we should just be friends. I'm sick that there's never been a girl to hold me or touch me, and I'm starting to worry there will never be one.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. Sure, I'm not the most smooth or popular or best looking or "dangerous" guy, but I have so much to offer. I'm kind, honest, I'll be loyal, devoted, considerate, I'll take her out, compliment her, I dress well, I'm reasonably good looking, I have a stable job.

And I'm not asking for a lot in return. I just want a girl who's physically attractive (not a supermodel, just nice to look at) and who has a tolerable personality (if she's not a gold digger or psychopath, I'd be happy). Why do girls constantly either ignore me or turn me down? Why can't they see what I can offer them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 9:28am

I agree with shy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 10:03am

Along the lines of the bad boy and nice guy:

My friend of four years (and boyfriend two good ones) is very much NOT the bad boy. Not even close. He's the nice, nerdy guy sort - he collects rocks and has a rock polisher, is VERY into his marine aquarium, loves his cat more than anything, and so forth.

I dated a few bad boys and found them all to be the same for the most part: not very bright, arrogant, nothing interesting to say, and shady. All exactly what I *don't* want in a guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:37pm

Here's another portion of one of the original posts on this subject:

(From Redonculous)

>I think that's a good thing. If I strip my requirements down to the bare minimum, aren't I leaving my options to the most women possible?

If I want a girl who's JUST physically attractive, that means I'm open to maybe 30%-40% of women.

If I want a girl who's physically attractive AND not a gold-digger, that means I'm open to maybe 20%-25% of women.

However if I want a girl who's physically attractive AND not a gold-digger AND kind AND sweet AND intelligent AND has good manners, I'm left with maybe only 3%-5% of women, who most likely are already taken.<

I think you need to reverse your "requirements." I noticed that you listed "physically attractive" as most important. If this is so, that's part of your problem.

How about you start at the opposite end of the spectrum? How about working on meeting a girl who is kind-hearted, fun to be with, and so forth, and work backwards? Physical attraction is important, but it's not the MOST important quality, as I assume you are aware of. Correct?

Or *IS* physical attraction the most important thing in your book?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:25pm

In response to emdeesea

“Another poster said that you need to reevaluate your view of women in general. I agree. Why would you think that this is what every woman wants? Women who want a "dangerous" guy are emotionally unhealthy. Smooth and popular and best-looking - well that's just shallowness - another unattractive and unhealthy trait in a woman.”

I think that’s the kind of guy girls want because it’s what I see everyday. It’s what I’ve experienced. I’ve wasted YEARS just being friends and nothing more with girls. I was the kind of guy who would provide emotional support to a girl when her boyfriend was ignoring her, threatening to break up with her, so on, and yet none of those girls ever returned any romantic interest in me despite all the time and energy I gave for them. I’m tired of being that guy.

Sure. Maybe a “smooth” and “dangerous” bad boy isn’t the type of guy emotionally healthy WOMEN want, but it‘s the type of guy GIRLS want. But I’m not trying to attract women. I want a GIRL. I’m in college, and all there are is insecure, shallow, naïve GIRLS, not mature, intelligent WOMEN. Perhaps I should have specified that from the beginning.

“Like what? What do you do with your spare time? What sort of hobbies do you have? What are your goals in life? In other words, what do you have to TALK about and SHARE with an emotionally healthy woman?”

I ski, I swim, I like going on roadtrips with friends. I think I have a few interesting things to talk about, but the problem is I don’t know how to get a girl to listen in the first place. How do I do that?

In response to cl-shywon

“Even still, if you find 75% if the female population to be unattractive or intolerable, that's a lot of women.”

It is a lot of GIRLS, yes, but it is the truth. I’m sorry, but three quarters of girls are undesirable to me. I don’t think that I’m being to picky. Women deem just as many men undesirable to them. Why shouldn’t men have the same standards for women?

“I think you're young enough that if you really want to find out what kind of women you like and are into, you need to date lots of different types of women. What does it hurt to hang out with someone for a few hours who doesn't seem like your "type" or whatever right away?”

It doesn’t hurt, but I keep saying that my problem is, I can’t get a girl to want to spend a few hours with me. How do I do just that?

“That's not who you are, so you don't feel like you'll measure up. You've gotta lose that attitude. You'll never be that guy, and the women who are right for you won't want that guy. Don't try and change just because you think someone else wants you to.”

So an unhealthily overweight person should not try to change and lose weight just because someone else wants them to? A person who’s in a wheelchair but is capable of one day walking again should just accept who they are and not try to walk?

I though the whole purpose of this site was self improvement. I want to improve. I want to improve my confidence and skills with girls, and if that requires changing myself entirely, please help me, but if not, please don’t tell me not to change because if I remain the same person I am now, I will be alone for the rest of my life.

In response to cl-countrygrlupnorth

“I agree with shy. You do need to try and get rid of the notion that all girls want one specific kind of guy. I just started dating a "nice guy," and while it's way too soon to assume it's going to turn into a relationship, I have to say, he's no smooth-talking bad boy. Ironically, a week before I met him, I went out a couple times with a smooth-talking bad boy and I was strongly attracted to him, but as soon as I met and started to get to know the nice guy, I became less interested in Mr. Bad Boy. I still think he's incredibly sexy and I definitely had fun with him...but he's just not going to give me what I want and need in a partner.”

You admitted yourself that you were “strongly attracted to him” that he was “incredibly sexy” and that you “definitely had fun with him.”

Why is it so hard to understand that for once, I want to be the guy that girls are “strongly attracted to”? The guy girls think is “incredibly sexy”? The guy girls “definitely have fun with”?

I’m tired of being the guy that girls ignore. I’m tired of being the guy girls never give their phone numbers to. I’m tired of being the guy girls never give a second date to. It’s been so long since I’ve been with a girl that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be held and kissed by a girl. I want that to change. Is this so difficult to understand?

In response to emdeesea

“How about you start at the opposite end of the spectrum? How about working on meeting a girl who is kind-hearted, fun to be with, and so forth, and work backwards? Physical attraction is important, but it's not the MOST important quality, as I assume you are aware of. Correct?
Or *IS* physical attraction the most important thing in your book?”

Physical attraction is the #1 on my list. I’m sorry if you think that’s shallow, but I’m a 20 year old male. I am biologically incapable of being happy in a relationship with someone I feel no physical attraction towards. I’m not asking for her to be a super model, but if she’s not at least cute, there can be nothing between us. If that bothers you, then understand that I will not put up with a girl, no matter how beautiful she is, if she’s a gold digger. But besides that, all other traits are secondary.

And if you think about it, judging a girl by her looks is NOT shallow. How a girl looks speaks volumes about her personality. If she’s overweight, most likely, she doesn’t exercise and doesn’t care about her health. If she has acne, it means she has a poor diet, and also doesn’t care about her health. If she’s pale, it means she spends too much time indoors and not enough outside. If she doesn’t put on makeup or do her hair or dress well, it means she doesn’t care about her appearance.

Look, everyone, I really appreciate that many of you have spend time trying to give me advice, but I would appreciate it SO MUCH MORE if you all told me how to achieve my goal instead of telling me to change my goal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 6:03pm
I'm sorry. At this point in time, I have no more words to offer you. I think this is one you'll have to just figure out for yourself.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 7:04pm

Me too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:01pm

I HAVE been listening. It's just that you aren't telling me what I need.

I need to know how to get young, attractive girls to want to go out with me.

Most of you have been telling me to change my goal.

I've spent my whole life following the advice some of the women here have suggested; being a girls friend, hanging out with her, getting to know her on a personal level and so on, and the never at all worked. I need something new and radical.

Please, all I want to know is what kind of guy you went for when you were younger. What did they do or say that attracted you to them?




Edited 1/1/2007 8:04 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:03pm
Most probably because you don't like yourself. You're 20 years old and it's quite sad that your first priority is to find a girlfriend. Concentrate on your career, your friends and yourself and the rest will come naturally. Your posts reeks of desperation and most women are not attracted to that. Women are attracted to men who aren't needy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:20pm

I just read this by emdeesea. I'm confused because it struck me as odd.

"We are just people! That's it. Not some mysterious race to be conquered and subdued and placed on a pedestal to be worshiped."

Who said anything about conquest or worship? I'm only trying to get a date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:20pm

First, I'll address your question about me being strongly attracted to the bad boy...it wasn't because he was a bad boy that I was attracted to him; he was just really handsome and he had cologne on that smelled good.