Why follow up dates don't happen

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Why follow up dates don't happen
11
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 2:05pm

Anytime we engage in a selection process, we reject a lot more than we select. We may even select nothing, but we do reject.

When we are out shopping for clothes we may go through an entire rack trying them out one after the other before picking one we like. We may not even pick ANY. Women are especially notorious in this regard. They are fickle, unable to make up their minds and keep vacillating between alternatives. And even in the rare occasion when they do make up their minds (somewhat), they immediately start looking for flaws and the next day it's promptly returned to the store for an exchange. Curiously, if the same piece of clothing were to be received as a gift with no possibility of comparing, selecting or exchanging, most would be happy with it. I know this from observing my mother (whom I love dearly btw)

Online dating is first and foremost a catalog scan for the prettiest faces (men AND women alike). Because every person is now reduced to a 1"x1" icon with all pictures at one place, the rejection happens swiftly. The bulk of the below average (or 'scary') faces are quickly passed by as people move on to the 'decent' lookers. Even the "ugly" are now looking only at the "beautiful". But this is not the point.

When people actually DO go out on a date, especially those who met online, it's not really a traditional date where people are out only to enjoy each other's company. The brains are passively, and even actively, engaged in a selection process, studying facial features, bodily attributes, manners, sensor of humor and looking for that much hallowed "spark". Goes without saying that any spark whatsoever fails to ignite.

Let me say this again: This is NOT a date. It may look like one, feel like one, but ISN'T. You were picked out of a catalog and asked to appear based on a short resume; well, mostly because of a photograph. The person you are with is not trying to see if he or she will be happy with you, but whether you are the best of the lot. Sounds cynical but it's true for the most part. You are just a shirt being tried on in a fitting room. It's a self defeating prophecy. As long as we are holding a shirt in our hands even if it's one that we like, why would we head straight to the checkout without trying out the rest in the rack ? Why not try a different section, a different store, a different mall, or, (ha ha) online ?? When we are paying for it why settle for anything but the best we can afford ? It's not about being happy with what we are holding, it's about wondering whether we are getting the best return on our investment. The investment being us, or what -we- think we are worth.

Thus, the 'date' ends, and at least one of the two heads back to his or her computer to check for new messages and conduct a new search.

****

Most couples/friends I know who are married happily are those who bumped into each other somewhere, started hanging around, grew to like each other, I suppose like turned to love at some point and eventually went on to the next step. They weren't out 'spark hunting', looking for the brightest spark. I think catalog dating dehumanizes people and is actually counter productive.




Edited 9/9/2007 6:32 pm ET by capegirardeau

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Thu, 09-13-2007 - 10:17pm

>.you crack me up! I liked your description of online selection .. <<

Thank you. I thought you would. The funny is funny only if there is some truth to it.

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