why I'm NOT "looking for love"
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| Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:39am |
As most of you know, I've stated repeatedly that my main goal right now is just trying to hookup with girls and to try and pursue casual sex; that I don't want a serious relationship, and that I'm not looking to fall in love or to find "the one." For those of you who have seriously taken the time to give me advice, I thank you, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like there is a strong undercurrent of resentment and disrespect for the fact that I'm only looking for sex and not love. I can't help but think that if I came here asking how to find a nice, intelligent girl to fall in love with instead of just someone to shack-up with, not really caring who she is or what she's like, you'd all cheer and encourage me, and I don't think that's fair or reasonable.
I've done my best to defend my goals, but I still can't help but feel like that undercurrent is still there, so all I can do is offer 1 final defense. I remember reading this article a woman wrote about online dating in the paper a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't cite it since I've forgotten the author or title, but I remember the main points vividly.
She talked about how she dated dozens of men she met online through a dating service site, and she ended up not liking any of them. She said that with many of the older men she dated, especially the divorced ones, she felt a strong sense of "sadness and anger" inside of them, which turned her off to them. However, she says she didn't blame them for feeling that way.
She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read.
So do you see why I only want to have casual sex? I don't want to "look for love" because I'm afraid that I will confuse my feelings of loneliness and desperation with feelings of love and latch onto the first and only girl to really like me, that I'll let her treat me like dirt because I'll be too afraid of being alone again and that I'll end up in a miserable relationship. Not only that, but I KNOW I'm going to constantly wonder if I missed out by not hooking up with more girls and that constant curiosity and mystery will only be a source of frustration and disappointment to me. I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."
So can you understand now why I'm dead-set against pursuing a relationship or looking for true love? Can you understand now why I don't want to find a girlfriend or get married? I don't know what more I can say in my defense, so is this something you can respect?
Edited 4/8/2007 12:40 am ET by redonculous
Edited 4/8/2007 12:41 am ET by redonculous

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Up until now, I stayed out of your threads.
But I suppose I have a comment now.
As a disclaimer, my fiance and I have had only one sexual partner-each other. We're fine healthy sexually normal human beings with a fantastic, loving relationship and our genitals havent fallen off yet because we didnt get to have other partners. We were 22 and 23 the first time we made love. Like you, my fiance had a hard time with females. He went on dates and had minor relationships but nobody ever made him happy until he sought out some help with therapy, made himself happy, and then found me. I also dated and had 2 boyfriends before him, one of which I dated for 3 years and never had sex. We're also long distance and we have gone as long as 5 months without each other's physical presence or sex. Its not easy but sex also isnt our number one priority, though it is in the top 5.
First off I think its great that you dont want marriage or a serious girlfriend right now. You are 20 years old, quite young and need a few years of maturity, growth and life experience under your belt before you can even think of marriage. If you never get married, thats your choice as well.
However, I take exception to your ideas of expecting young girls to sleep with you as if they owe you or they are obligated to fulfill your sexual frustrations.
The ladies on the board have given you plenty of good advice about flirting and approaching girls so I'm not sure what more can be said about that. The simple fact is that it takes social skills, confidence, and good practice to flirt well and flirt with success. There is no manual, no set script to follow, no secrets to a successful flirtatious male. Every male I've encountered or have been friends with have had a different flirting style. Some are ultra smooth, some get drunk and think thats good enough, some are incredibly intelligent and well spoken, some use the good guy angle. I myself have different flirting styles with different men. Even if you develop a "flirt script", all situations and females are unique and you need to open your eyes and be more observant of those situations in order to change or hone your ability.
Even though you are looking for sex only, you are not going to find a random female on the street just looking for sex. It takes work on your part. And even if you work, it doesnt mean they are obligated either. Unless you go to a hired prositute, you will need to date. Yes date. That means asking girls out on social excursions that include conversation, funds, location and agenda. You can still have your "sex only" mantra if thats your thing, but by actually dating and conversating with these girls, you'll figure out quickly which ones just want a casual sexual relationship and those that are looking for a boyfriend or long term relationship. You might get a lot of dates that dont pan out into the sex you want but at some point, your odds are good that at least one of them will be satisfied with a sex only relationship. If you put forth the effort that a date requires and she doesnt want to have sex, dont force a female to do it or attempt to ply alcohol. Thats called rape. As a caveat, Im not promoting that you be dishonest with girls on these dates or use them but you have to be social in some manner in order to find the girls that just want sex. And you dont have to necessarily 'care' about the girl that wants sex only, but you do need to create a sense of safety in order for it to happen. There is no such thing as the "flying vaginas" you seem to be looking for, where you'll just get a willing girl to fall on your lap.
If you're in college, join a fraternity. Those guys get more tail than any other college demographic second to the athletes. If thats not your thing, you can join other social groups on campus. Go to sporting events like football, basketball or hockey games. Chances are there are plenty of females that dont know a stitch about the sport, but just want to look good for the males and get their attention. Guarenteed. Intramural co-ed sports is a good option as well. When you are legal, go to the bars on Thursday evenings, these are most often designated as "Ladies Night."
As far as your theory about men being cold and bitter over lack of sexual opportunity, I declare shenanigans. Men become cold and bitter because of negative life experiences and poor relationships with superficial, needy, overbearing, emotionally draining, unhealthy women. There are plenty of men (and women) that are completely satisfied with having a minimal number of sexual relationships before they reach commitment with that one particular female. Sex isnt a race, and if its healthy, it shouldnt be a competition. Consider as well, that as you age, sex will be important but not the only defining thing about a relationship. The females you encounter later in life may not be so keen on your earlier, "playboy" days of numerous sexual encounters and one-night stands. There are good reasons for being selective and not sleeping with every girl that walks your direction. Furthermore, if someone reaches the end of their life, and the thing they are most remorseful over is the few number of sexual partners in their life, then I feel sorry that person. That is an unfulfilled lifetime that didnt reach the absolute human potential.
Like other people on the board, I think you have a real unhealthy objectified view of women as well as extremely low self-esteem and lack of social skills and confidence. No woman, regardless of her own motives for relationships, wants to be viewed as an object. Women were not put on this earth to be used solely for sex.
You should seriously consider talking to someone outside of these messageboards, namely a cognitive-behavioral therapist. They can help you gain some social skills, confidence and work through your lonliness and desperation issues. This way, if love does come your way, it is real love, not the mistaken things you are worried about by not getting enough sex. There is no shame in talking to a therapist, its one of the most healthy things you can do for yourself. It takes real personal strength to seek help and work on issues for growth. You shouldnt have to make huge changes to make improvements. You still need to be yourself but you can have a new way of life with some guidance.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results~Albert Einstein.
Unrelated to sex and girls, you need to emerse yourself into a cause to find out what a meaningful life is really all about outside of your own problems. Volunteer with delinquent teenagers, feed the homeless, play Bingo with the elderly, talk to the addicted, play with young children, be a mentor. You'll probably find that your life will have more meaning and reason. You'll learn more from those people than anything else. And when you reach the end of your days, you wont be the sad soul that only cared about superficial sex and the number of notches on your bedpost.
Good luck. This is my one and only post on the topic.
Smile,
Deirdre
No, it's not something I can understand or respect. That article is a bunch of hooey. Those men need counseling, not some ridiculous theory.
But in the end, whether any of us understand or respect your choices, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are ok with them, and that you understand that you are not ENTITLED to get what you want, merely because you want it. The young women you want to debauch have the right to choose what THEY want, just as you do. THAT is what people on this board are mainly frustrated with you about--your attitude that the world OWES you sex whenever you want it.
>>>>I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."<<<<<
Um, I think the man dying of AIDs might say something to that effect. Or what about the man who looks back on his life and sees only a string of worthless, casual affairs and has never known the true love or affection of a woman? What about the man who realizes how many hearts he has broken over his life because he treated woman disrespectfully and used them for his own selfish needs?
This article, and your way of thinking, is the reason AIDs and other STDs are so rampant in our society. It's all about instant sexual gratification with no regards to the consequences. Sexual promiscuity does not make a person happy. And research has shown that the longer people wait to have sex, the better their relationships/marriages are, because then the relationship is based on solid ground. The relationship is mutually satisfying and the sex is good because the relationship is good, not the other way around.
But you don't want a relationship and that's fine. But, seriously, do you really think you'll get any true fulfillment out of using women for sex? Isn't your life (and hers) worth more than that?
Miss Ruby,
I second Miss Hockey's sentiment. I've been sitting on the sidelines for quite a while on these posts shaking my head, but this is a Tiger Woods-esque post. It just blows the rest of the 200 or so other posts out of the water. READ IT CAREFULLY redonculous!!!!
Tom
Better yet, print out your post and read it in two years. If you don't think you sound ridiculous, uneducated, ignorant and immature, I'll give you $1,000. (And I'm sure you'll just say "I don't need $1,000" but whatever, the challenge still stands.)
Print out Ruby's post and read it in two years, too. It will make sense to you then.
(I know a lot of you that "know" me are going "why is Lesley responding to this?" but what can I say, I've had wine. :) )
>>>Um, I think the man dying of AIDs might say something to that effect. Or what about the man who looks back on his life and sees only a string of worthless, casual affairs and has never known the true love or affection of a woman?<<<
I'll give you the part about the man dying from AIDS, but I can't agree with the others. Why is casual sex and love mutually exclussive? Why can't a man enjoy casual sex with he's young and then settle down and find love when he's older?
>>>What about the man who realizes how many hearts he has broken over his life because he treated woman disrespectfully and used them for his own selfish needs? <<<
This will never be a concern to me in my life, because like I've said before, if a woman feels broken hearted or "used" for having slept with a man, it's HER fault for attaching so much emotional value and hopes into a simple physical act. And like I asked before, how is sleeping with a woman without any emotional attachment to her or "disrespectful" or "using" her?
>>>This article, and your way of thinking, is the reason AIDs and other STDs are so rampant in our society.<<<
Rampant? Where do you live? Because I live in America, and here, HIV/AIDS counts for less than .1% of all deaths. The only places where HIV/AIDS and other STDs are "rampant" are in places where malaria, typhoid and dengue fever are also rampant.
I refuse to let the possibility of catching an STD to deter me. Should I not drive to a concert because I might get hit and killed by a drunk driver on the way there? Should I not go to a club or restaurant in the city because there's a remote chance of me getting robbed or shot? Ofcourse not. Why should I let the possibility of something bad happening to me keep me from enjoying life?
Besides, condoms?
>>>It's all about instant sexual gratification with no regards to the consequences. Sexual promiscuity does not make a person happy. And research has shown that the longer people wait to have sex, the better their relationships/marriages are, because then the relationship is based on solid ground. The relationship is mutually satisfying and the sex is good because the relationship is good, not the other way around.<<<
That research applies for people who put off sex IN A RELATIONSHIP, but I'm not looking for a relationship. And there is also research that shows that people with active sex lives are healthier, happier and are far less likely to feel depressed, do drugs and so forth.
>>>But you don't want a relationship and that's fine. But, seriously, do you really think you'll get any true fulfillment out of using women for sex?<<<
Except for the part about "using" women (because I still fail to see how sleeping with a woman is "using" her), Yes.
>>>Isn't your life (and hers) worth more than that?<<<
Not at the moment.
Edited 4/9/2007 3:35 pm ET by redonculous
>>>Up until now, I stayed out of your threads.
But I suppose I have a comment now.
As a disclaimer, my fiance and I have had only one sexual partner-each other. We're fine healthy sexually normal human beings with a fantastic, loving relationship and our genitals havent fallen off yet because we didnt get to have other partners. We were 22 and 23 the first time we made love. Like you, my fiance had a hard time with females. He went on dates and had minor relationships but nobody ever made him happy until he sought out some help with therapy, made himself happy, and then found me. I also dated and had 2 boyfriends before him, one of which I dated for 3 years and never had sex. We're also long distance and we have gone as long as 5 months without each other's physical presence or sex. Its not easy but sex also isnt our number one priority, though it is in the top 5.
First off I think its great that you dont want marriage or a serious girlfriend right now. You are 20 years old, quite young and need a few years of maturity, growth and life experience under your belt before you can even think of marriage. If you never get married, thats your choice as well.
However, I take exception to your ideas of expecting young girls to sleep with you as if they owe you or they are obligated to fulfill your sexual frustrations.
The ladies on the board have given you plenty of good advice about flirting and approaching girls so I'm not sure what more can be said about that. The simple fact is that it takes social skills, confidence, and good practice to flirt well and flirt with success. There is no manual, no set script to follow, no secrets to a successful flirtatious male. Every male I've encountered or have been friends with have had a different flirting style. Some are ultra smooth, some get drunk and think thats good enough, some are incredibly intelligent and well spoken, some use the good guy angle. I myself have different flirting styles with different men. Even if you develop a "flirt script", all situations and females are unique and you need to open your eyes and be more observant of those situations in order to change or hone your ability.
Even though you are looking for sex only, you are not going to find a random female on the street just looking for sex. It takes work on your part. And even if you work, it doesnt mean they are obligated either. Unless you go to a hired prositute, you will need to date. Yes date. That means asking girls out on social excursions that include conversation, funds, location and agenda. You can still have your "sex only" mantra if thats your thing, but by actually dating and conversating with these girls, you'll figure out quickly which ones just want a casual sexual relationship and those that are looking for a boyfriend or long term relationship. You might get a lot of dates that dont pan out into the sex you want but at some point, your odds are good that at least one of them will be satisfied with a sex only relationship. If you put forth the effort that a date requires and she doesnt want to have sex, dont force a female to do it or attempt to ply alcohol. Thats called rape. As a caveat, Im not promoting that you be dishonest with girls on these dates or use them but you have to be social in some manner in order to find the girls that just want sex. And you dont have to necessarily 'care' about the girl that wants sex only, but you do need to create a sense of safety in order for it to happen. There is no such thing as the "flying vaginas" you seem to be looking for, where you'll just get a willing girl to fall on your lap.
If you're in college, join a fraternity. Those guys get more tail than any other college demographic second to the athletes. If thats not your thing, you can join other social groups on campus. Go to sporting events like football, basketball or hockey games. Chances are there are plenty of females that dont know a stitch about the sport, but just want to look good for the males and get their attention. Guarenteed. Intramural co-ed sports is a good option as well. When you are legal, go to the bars on Thursday evenings, these are most often designated as "Ladies Night."
As far as your theory about men being cold and bitter over lack of sexual opportunity, I declare shenanigans. Men become cold and bitter because of negative life experiences and poor relationships with superficial, needy, overbearing, emotionally draining, unhealthy women. There are plenty of men (and women) that are completely satisfied with having a minimal number of sexual relationships before they reach commitment with that one particular female. Sex isnt a race, and if its healthy, it shouldnt be a competition. Consider as well, that as you age, sex will be important but not the only defining thing about a relationship. The females you encounter later in life may not be so keen on your earlier, "playboy" days of numerous sexual encounters and one-night stands. There are good reasons for being selective and not sleeping with every girl that walks your direction. Furthermore, if someone reaches the end of their life, and the thing they are most remorseful over is the few number of sexual partners in their life, then I feel sorry that person. That is an unfulfilled lifetime that didnt reach the absolute human potential.
Like other people on the board, I think you have a real unhealthy objectified view of women as well as extremely low self-esteem and lack of social skills and confidence. No woman, regardless of her own motives for relationships, wants to be viewed as an object. Women were not put on this earth to be used solely for sex.
You should seriously consider talking to someone outside of these messageboards, namely a cognitive-behavioral therapist. They can help you gain some social skills, confidence and work through your lonliness and desperation issues. This way, if love does come your way, it is real love, not the mistaken things you are worried about by not getting enough sex. There is no shame in talking to a therapist, its one of the most healthy things you can do for yourself. It takes real personal strength to seek help and work on issues for growth. You shouldnt have to make huge changes to make improvements. You still need to be yourself but you can have a new way of life with some guidance.
Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results~Albert Einstein.
Unrelated to sex and girls, you need to emerse yourself into a cause to find out what a meaningful life is really all about outside of your own problems. Volunteer with delinquent teenagers, feed the homeless, play Bingo with the elderly, talk to the addicted, play with young children, be a mentor. You'll probably find that your life will have more meaning and reason. You'll learn more from those people than anything else. And when you reach the end of your days, you wont be the sad soul that only cared about superficial sex and the number of notches on your bedpost.
Good luck. This is my one and only post on the topic.<<<
I really appreciated the advice in this post and thank you for writing.
As for the part of volunteering, I've already done tons of volunteer work while I've been at college. I devoted a summer serving food at a retirment home, I helped build a house for Habitat for Humanity, I helped raise and donate money for Doctors Without Borders and a few other projects.
I did them because I though girls would dig that I was doing volunteer work and that it would make me popular, but I've given up on volunteering because in the end, you recieve so little attention or credit for it. I didn't make any friends doing it and no one remembers me for it. I don't see the work I've done as having given my life more meaning and reason. I just see it as more wasted time and energy. Call me selfish, but at this point in my life, I'd gladly trade all the volunteer work I've done for 1 girl who likes me.
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