why I'm NOT "looking for love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
why I'm NOT "looking for love"
62
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:39am

As most of you know, I've stated repeatedly that my main goal right now is just trying to hookup with girls and to try and pursue casual sex; that I don't want a serious relationship, and that I'm not looking to fall in love or to find "the one." For those of you who have seriously taken the time to give me advice, I thank you, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like there is a strong undercurrent of resentment and disrespect for the fact that I'm only looking for sex and not love. I can't help but think that if I came here asking how to find a nice, intelligent girl to fall in love with instead of just someone to shack-up with, not really caring who she is or what she's like, you'd all cheer and encourage me, and I don't think that's fair or reasonable.

I've done my best to defend my goals, but I still can't help but feel like that undercurrent is still there, so all I can do is offer 1 final defense. I remember reading this article a woman wrote about online dating in the paper a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't cite it since I've forgotten the author or title, but I remember the main points vividly.

She talked about how she dated dozens of men she met online through a dating service site, and she ended up not liking any of them. She said that with many of the older men she dated, especially the divorced ones, she felt a strong sense of "sadness and anger" inside of them, which turned her off to them. However, she says she didn't blame them for feeling that way.

She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read.

So do you see why I only want to have casual sex? I don't want to "look for love" because I'm afraid that I will confuse my feelings of loneliness and desperation with feelings of love and latch onto the first and only girl to really like me, that I'll let her treat me like dirt because I'll be too afraid of being alone again and that I'll end up in a miserable relationship. Not only that, but I KNOW I'm going to constantly wonder if I missed out by not hooking up with more girls and that constant curiosity and mystery will only be a source of frustration and disappointment to me. I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."

So can you understand now why I'm dead-set against pursuing a relationship or looking for true love? Can you understand now why I don't want to find a girlfriend or get married? I don't know what more I can say in my defense, so is this something you can respect?

Edited 4/8/2007 12:40 am ET by redonculous




Edited 4/8/2007 12:41 am ET by redonculous

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 4:45pm

>>>No, it's not something I can understand or respect. <<<

What's so hard to understand about it?

Why doesn't it deserve respect?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:05pm

I was just trying to catch up on a stack of newspapers (I've been out of town) and saw this article--it immediately reminded me of you and your situation:

http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/308772_faith24.html

I have a hard time respecting or understanding anyone who has this sense of entitlement and the corresponding lack of personal responsibility.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:15pm
This has nothing to do with entitlement. Entitlement is when you expect everything to be immediately given to you without anything in return. I'm not saying I'm entitled to anything, but I know that I DESERVE something in return, because I have worked and waited hard and long and got nothing in return. So why SHOULDN'T I have it?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:33pm

Wow. Just wow. Do you really believe that? Because if you do, that's is really, really sad. And yes, that's entitlement as well.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:41pm

Yes, I really do believe that.

Please tell me, in your own words, why is it bad to want something in return when you've put so much time and energy into something and when you've never had it but see everyone around you having it, some of them for free?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:48pm

Ok but this is it.

Why?

BECAUSE LIFE ISN'T FAIR!!!! You'll just end up miserable if you think the world owes you something merely because you've tried hard. It doesn't work that way, *especially* when other people are involved. No woman owes you sex because you've put lots of time and energy into getting sex. That's just silly to think that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:48pm
So what do you suggest I do? Just sit back and accept it when I KNOW it's wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:54pm

...




Edited 4/9/2007 5:54 pm ET by cl-countrygrlupnorth
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 5:55pm

Hello redonculous!

>> I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."<<

What if he were dying of an STD!

Seriously, we don't need promiscuity for the sake of it, we need to behave responsibly and respect the fact that other people are not objects that only exist for our sexual gratification. I'm male, 22 and single incidentally.

Tell me a little about you, there may be a slight chance I can give you some solid advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-09-2007 - 6:04pm

Well, I'm 20 years old and in college, and I've never been too particularly good with girls. I've tried to create relationships with several girls, but ended up being "just friends" and the last time I ever even kissed a girl was nearly 2 years ago, and in the past 15 months, I've only been out on 2 dates. I've never even had sex yet. I'm at my wit's end here trying to figure out what I can do.

One thing is absolutely for sure though. I'm DONE trying to pursue serious relationships. All those girls I was "just friends" with, I genuinely liked and had a strong desire for a serious relationship with them, but I understand that relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be. They're a lot of hard work and drama, and right now, all I want to do is have sex. That said, I would like to have as many casual encounters with as many girls as possible, but I have no idea where to start.

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