why I'm NOT "looking for love"
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| Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:39am |
As most of you know, I've stated repeatedly that my main goal right now is just trying to hookup with girls and to try and pursue casual sex; that I don't want a serious relationship, and that I'm not looking to fall in love or to find "the one." For those of you who have seriously taken the time to give me advice, I thank you, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like there is a strong undercurrent of resentment and disrespect for the fact that I'm only looking for sex and not love. I can't help but think that if I came here asking how to find a nice, intelligent girl to fall in love with instead of just someone to shack-up with, not really caring who she is or what she's like, you'd all cheer and encourage me, and I don't think that's fair or reasonable.
I've done my best to defend my goals, but I still can't help but feel like that undercurrent is still there, so all I can do is offer 1 final defense. I remember reading this article a woman wrote about online dating in the paper a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't cite it since I've forgotten the author or title, but I remember the main points vividly.
She talked about how she dated dozens of men she met online through a dating service site, and she ended up not liking any of them. She said that with many of the older men she dated, especially the divorced ones, she felt a strong sense of "sadness and anger" inside of them, which turned her off to them. However, she says she didn't blame them for feeling that way.
She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read.
So do you see why I only want to have casual sex? I don't want to "look for love" because I'm afraid that I will confuse my feelings of loneliness and desperation with feelings of love and latch onto the first and only girl to really like me, that I'll let her treat me like dirt because I'll be too afraid of being alone again and that I'll end up in a miserable relationship. Not only that, but I KNOW I'm going to constantly wonder if I missed out by not hooking up with more girls and that constant curiosity and mystery will only be a source of frustration and disappointment to me. I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."
So can you understand now why I'm dead-set against pursuing a relationship or looking for true love? Can you understand now why I don't want to find a girlfriend or get married? I don't know what more I can say in my defense, so is this something you can respect?
Edited 4/8/2007 12:40 am ET by redonculous
Edited 4/8/2007 12:41 am ET by redonculous

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I was wondering if you had issues relating to your upbringing or cultural background. They are what should be addressed if we have interpersonal problems of any kind.
My parents were always pretty useless, giving inconsistent messages and my mother was very abusive and this has afflicted me with a baggage of sorts that I must bring into interpersonal relationships.
>>>I was wondering if you had issues relating to your upbringing or cultural background. They are what should be addressed if we have interpersonal problems of any kind.<<<
Not really. Just your average white, suburban male.
The only thing that really bothered me was that I was really bored and lonely throughout highschool. I lived in a heavily suburban area so there was little to do for miles around. I went to a big school that was heavily socially stratified, so it was really hard to make friends or meet people. I was made fun of a lot a younger kid, but throughout high school, I was basically just ignored.
I'm pretty sure most of the posters here will agree. That we've extensively tried to help you, after many posts from you and collectively over 100 posts between the threads I think it's evident that you just don't like the answers given. So I really don't think there is going to be much more discussion on this matter.
Good luck!
Smile,
Deirdre
Not only that, but this all began in December, wasn't it? This has been going on for WAYYYYYYYYY too long.
Smile,
Deirdre
Wow! Sheri, great article. As a mother of two young teens I struggle on a daily basis to make sure they do not grow up with this attitude. With my daughter especially, because her father exhibited it.
I've also felt that a victim mentality frequently goes hand in hand with a sense of entitlement. That is my absolute #1 "Can't Stand" -- when someone I meet displays a tendancy to blame others for their choices, it drives me crazy. I always believe you can control NO ONE's actions but your own. If something you're doing is not working, try something different -- then live with the consequences of your choices!
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Seems to me that there is
>Seems to me that there is a very bruised ego and lack of honesty within yourself here. The driven desire to have causual meaningless sex is a smoke screen for the hurt that you feel because your previous attempts at having relationships did not come to fruition. You feel that if you can acheive this goal of sexual conquests, you will prove to yourself that you are worthy.<
Bingo.
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