why I'm NOT "looking for love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
why I'm NOT "looking for love"
62
Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:39am

As most of you know, I've stated repeatedly that my main goal right now is just trying to hookup with girls and to try and pursue casual sex; that I don't want a serious relationship, and that I'm not looking to fall in love or to find "the one." For those of you who have seriously taken the time to give me advice, I thank you, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like there is a strong undercurrent of resentment and disrespect for the fact that I'm only looking for sex and not love. I can't help but think that if I came here asking how to find a nice, intelligent girl to fall in love with instead of just someone to shack-up with, not really caring who she is or what she's like, you'd all cheer and encourage me, and I don't think that's fair or reasonable.

I've done my best to defend my goals, but I still can't help but feel like that undercurrent is still there, so all I can do is offer 1 final defense. I remember reading this article a woman wrote about online dating in the paper a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't cite it since I've forgotten the author or title, but I remember the main points vividly.

She talked about how she dated dozens of men she met online through a dating service site, and she ended up not liking any of them. She said that with many of the older men she dated, especially the divorced ones, she felt a strong sense of "sadness and anger" inside of them, which turned her off to them. However, she says she didn't blame them for feeling that way.

She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read.

So do you see why I only want to have casual sex? I don't want to "look for love" because I'm afraid that I will confuse my feelings of loneliness and desperation with feelings of love and latch onto the first and only girl to really like me, that I'll let her treat me like dirt because I'll be too afraid of being alone again and that I'll end up in a miserable relationship. Not only that, but I KNOW I'm going to constantly wonder if I missed out by not hooking up with more girls and that constant curiosity and mystery will only be a source of frustration and disappointment to me. I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."

So can you understand now why I'm dead-set against pursuing a relationship or looking for true love? Can you understand now why I don't want to find a girlfriend or get married? I don't know what more I can say in my defense, so is this something you can respect?

Edited 4/8/2007 12:40 am ET by redonculous




Edited 4/8/2007 12:41 am ET by redonculous

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:08pm

"She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read."

She isn't a doctor, just some woman sharing her experiences and opinions. I personally think it's laughable, her thoughts on the matter. Bogus. No offense.

I've dated virgins in their twenties who were perfectly happy and well rounded. I've dated players, too . . . gorgeous successful men who, I knew were having plenty of sex and they were completely miserable.

I'm sorry, sex doesn't have anything to do with happiness. I'm sure it doesn't hurt, but I think that there is more to be gained from a healthy RELATIONSHIP than a mere romp in the sack. I don't even buy that it promotes good mental health b/c of the hormones released in the brain after sex. Why? Because one can always choose to masturbate!? One doesn't have to have sex in order to have a healthy sex life ; ) My .02.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:37pm

>>>If something you're doing is not working, try something different<<<

I've said this exact same thing before, so why do so many of you keep telling me to "just be yourself?" I repeatedly said that I want to try something different from what I've been doing and for instructions what to do, but most of you guys, atleast once, have told me to keep doing what I'm doing and to "just be yourself" when I keep saying that doing what I'm doing now and being myself hasn't gotten me anywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 6:01pm

>>>Seems to me that there is a very bruised ego and lack of honesty within yourself here. The driven desire to have causual meaningless sex is a smoke screen for the hurt that you feel because your previous attempts at having relationships did not come to fruition.<<<

I used to feel really hurt about it, but now I'm mostly just pissed off that I wasted so much time and energy trying to create relationships with these girls. Eitherway, in retrospect, they were all drama-queens and idiots, and I'm glad I never was in a serious relationship with them. Still, it hurts that I never hooked up with them atleast once.

>>>You feel that if you can acheive this goal of sexual conquests, you will prove to yourself that you are worthy.<<<

I don't "feel" that achieving sexual conquests will prove myself. I KNOW it.

>>>I'll say this again, because I'm sure someone somewhere in these past posts has already said it -- concentrate on your own true personal happiness and contentment and the relationship/sex stuff will come to you on its own.

The more desperate you become, unintentionally, the more undesirable you will seem to the opposite sex. Someone on these boards once referred to this intangible phenomenon as the "Stink of Desperation". Whether you're aware you have it or not, the girls you approach can detect it instantly.<<<

So how can I NOT be desperate? It's not like I chose to be desperate. I'm desperate because my needs and desires keep going unfulfilled, so adding more time to it is not going to make it better.

>>>I think you have some serious personal issues only you can face before you can offer anything meaningful to another, whether you're honestly looking for a casual hook-up, or, which I suspect, you're seeking a true relationship to validate you.<<<

I can in full honesty say that I don't want a relationship. I would HATE being in a relationship this early in my life because...

1) they're a lot of work
2) they're a lot of money
3) I don't want to be ancored to only 1 girl
4) I don't want to waste my time "getting in touch with her feelings" or any of that nonsense when I'm interested in 1 thing
5) the inevitable fights and drama that comes with every relationship
6) the 99.9% chance of breaking up and heartbreak

I don't understand why it's so hard to understand that a young, 20 year old guy wants to casually sleep with many girls. I'm not a woman. I don't get any pleasure or satisfaction from talking or "sharing my feelings." I don't want to "fall in love" or "find the one."

You women call guys like me "committmentphobes," but tell me, why SHOULDN'T I be afraid of committment? Why should I deny myself the joys of sex and the thrill of casually hooking up to shackle myself to only 1 person?




Edited 4/16/2007 6:03 pm ET by redonculous
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 6:07pm

<>


What are YOU going to do about it?


What are YOU doing differently?


Other than complaining on a public forum such as this? Have you not recieved one kernal of advice you can put to use?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:13pm

I think you should post your question on another board, because you've obviously exhausted all of your resources on this one.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlguytalk


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlletstalkab


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldebatethed


There're just a few that might fit your topic, but I'm not sure that you'll find what you're looking for anywhere.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:38pm
LOL oh shy don't pawn on my other boards. LOL

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:46pm
Ok let me take a stab. I understand where you are coming from and TO A DEGREE I agree with you. I don't think someone should try to force themselves into a relationship when its not what they really and truely want, that is just a recipe for a disaster. I also think that when one is in college it is time to safely test the waters. One will never know what one wants in a relationship when one hasn't successfully tried new things and experience new ideals, cultures, ways of thinking, different backgrounds, in short - people. So if you want to casually date or have sex whatever (use a condom) that is your business and that is the girl who chooses to sleep with you, business. However, you said that trying to meet girls and like girls that you might have considered a relationship with weren't working out for you so did they just want to sleep with you and turned them down because you wanted a relationship? Probably not. So if you want to have the casual sex thing, who are you having it with? And don't think that's a put down I'm just curious as to how you see getting this done?
I'll explain casual sex from a woman's point of view. Very few girls go out and have casual sex on the mind when they are of college age. they either make drunk decision or they purposely have casual sex in the hopes that it will make the guy like them. the later is usually done with someone of high status like an athlete. These guys tend to be very smooth too and are able to say and act like they really care about the girl, basically leading her on until he gets what he wants and then starts scamming on some other girl the next week leaving the first girl to find out for herself that he was using her. This kind of behavior from these guys is not something they wake up one day and decide "I'm going to start having casual sex with girls" its something that they've just always done. I had friends in college who were like this. They don't know what they are doing or how they attract so many girls. So you can't just decide this is who you are going to be. I can't give you a magical phrase that will immediately make a girl take her clothes off.
One thing you will come to realize however is that in time this attraction between super high casual sex guys and the girls who sleep with them will fade. Girls start to feel they are not wanting to be used by someone and look for more meaningful relationships with guys who do not look at them like a vagina with eyes. This is when girls start to look for the intellegent, nice, solid guys.
This doesn't help you now as you just want to have sex. Don't put so much emphasis on it. If you keep building it up so much you are going to be disappointed when it actually happens. You're going to get so excited that its actually happening that its not going to go as you're envisioning it.
I know you said you tried volunteering and it didn't help. Well you did for the wrong reasons first of all. You did it meet girls. You said no one appreciated it or even remembered it....I'm sure it means something to the person who's home you helped build. They might not have thanked you personally or even knew your name but they do think about it.
In other cases, try something more physical like dodgeball or boxing to help get some of your sexual frustration out. And as a plus nothing turns girls on more than sweat!
But really there is nothing anyone on here can say or do to help you along in your stuggle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:00am

Your prefernces are your business. Why are you so concerned what anyone else thinks? You don't have to defend your wants, needs, lifestyle, etc. It is your life. There are many who feel the same way you do, and many who do not - it's all relative. No one has the right to tell anyone else what type of "sex life" they should lead.

Enjoy yourself and your life, find partners who want what you want, and don't waste your time worrying about what the rest of the world thinks.

Callie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 8:40am

::sigh::

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 6:30pm

>>>Ok let me take a stab. I understand where you are coming from and TO A DEGREE I agree with you. I don't think someone should try to force themselves into a relationship when its not what they really and truely want, that is just a recipe for a disaster. I also think that when one is in college it is time to safely test the waters. One will never know what one wants in a relationship when one hasn't successfully tried new things and experience new ideals, cultures, ways of thinking, different backgrounds, in short - people.<<<

Thank you, really I do appreciate that someone understands and agrees with where I'm coming from.

>>>However, you said that trying to meet girls and like girls that you might have considered a relationship with weren't working out for you so did they just want to sleep with you and turned them down because you wanted a relationship?<<<

I wish, but no. I wanted to be in a relationship with those girls, but even if they didn't want a relationship, I would have been perfectly happy to have hooked up with them, even just once. But all they wanted was someone to bitch about their silly girl-drama to, but and matter how much time and effort I put in, they never wanted to date me, hook up with me or even give me a kiss. My first and only kiss was 2 years ago.

>>>Very few girls go out and have casual sex on the mind when they are of college age.<<<

I know, which is why I have asked what can I do or say to be that guy normal girls will try having a ONS only once or twice with?

>>>they either make drunk decision or they purposely have casual sex in the hopes that it will make the guy like them. the later is usually done with someone of high status like an athlete. These guys tend to be very smooth too and are able to say and act like they really care about the girl, basically leading her on until he gets what he wants and then starts scamming on some other girl the next week leaving the first girl to find out for herself that he was using her. This kind of behavior from these guys is not something they wake up one day and decide "I'm going to start having casual sex with girls" its something that they've just always done. I had friends in college who were like this. They don't know what they are doing or how they attract so many girls. So you can't just decide this is who you are going to be. I can't give you a magical phrase that will immediately make a girl take her clothes off.<<<

Possibly not, but could you atleast tell me what those guys said to those girls that was very smooth and got them to believe they actually cared for her?

>>>I know you said you tried volunteering and it didn't help. Well you did for the wrong reasons first of all. You did it meet girls. You said no one appreciated it or even remembered it....I'm sure it means something to the person who's home you helped build. They might not have thanked you personally or even knew your name but they do think about it.<<<

I'm sorry. but that really doesn't make me feel any better. What does it mattered if my work wasn't remembered or appreciated? What does it matter if my face or name wasn't remembered? I didn't even see the people who's house I helped built.

>>>In other cases, try something more physical like dodgeball or boxing to help get some of your sexual frustration out. And as a plus nothing turns girls on more than sweat!<<<

I already go to the gym about 4 times a week and do a lot of mountain sports. Why hasn't that worked?

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