why I'm NOT "looking for love"
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| Sun, 04-08-2007 - 12:39am |
As most of you know, I've stated repeatedly that my main goal right now is just trying to hookup with girls and to try and pursue casual sex; that I don't want a serious relationship, and that I'm not looking to fall in love or to find "the one." For those of you who have seriously taken the time to give me advice, I thank you, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like there is a strong undercurrent of resentment and disrespect for the fact that I'm only looking for sex and not love. I can't help but think that if I came here asking how to find a nice, intelligent girl to fall in love with instead of just someone to shack-up with, not really caring who she is or what she's like, you'd all cheer and encourage me, and I don't think that's fair or reasonable.
I've done my best to defend my goals, but I still can't help but feel like that undercurrent is still there, so all I can do is offer 1 final defense. I remember reading this article a woman wrote about online dating in the paper a couple of months ago. Unfortunately, I couldn't cite it since I've forgotten the author or title, but I remember the main points vividly.
She talked about how she dated dozens of men she met online through a dating service site, and she ended up not liking any of them. She said that with many of the older men she dated, especially the divorced ones, she felt a strong sense of "sadness and anger" inside of them, which turned her off to them. However, she says she didn't blame them for feeling that way.
She said she had a theory that the reason so many men grow up to be cold and bitter is because they "never got to have all the sex they wanted to"; that they didn't get a lot of attention from girls when they were younger, and never got to "bag those girls with the willowy hair and perky breasts in college" (or something along those lines, that they jumped into monogamy too early and got stuck in miserable relationships that for too long they were afraid to escape because there was no one else to escape to, and that's how she closed her article. It was a very sobering and depressing read.
So do you see why I only want to have casual sex? I don't want to "look for love" because I'm afraid that I will confuse my feelings of loneliness and desperation with feelings of love and latch onto the first and only girl to really like me, that I'll let her treat me like dirt because I'll be too afraid of being alone again and that I'll end up in a miserable relationship. Not only that, but I KNOW I'm going to constantly wonder if I missed out by not hooking up with more girls and that constant curiosity and mystery will only be a source of frustration and disappointment to me. I don't think a man ever said on his death bed, "God, I wish I didn't sleep with so many women when I was younger."
So can you understand now why I'm dead-set against pursuing a relationship or looking for true love? Can you understand now why I don't want to find a girlfriend or get married? I don't know what more I can say in my defense, so is this something you can respect?
Edited 4/8/2007 12:40 am ET by redonculous
Edited 4/8/2007 12:41 am ET by redonculous

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Agree 100%
If I'm going to have casual sex it's going to be with an absolute HOTTY - the TOTAL PACKAGE
I may find myself one day falling in love with a guy who doesn't fit that perfect visual picture . . . but that's going to be based on intellect and personality etc . . .
I mean we live in a superficial world. Darn it if I'm going to have frivolous encounter it's based on looks for me - - cause if I'm not turned on I'm not having sex - - and with casual there's no opportunity for a guy to turn you on "intellectually" so it can only happen based on looks.
Not to say I rule out the average guys for dating/getting to know and maybe one day falling head over heels for . . .
>>>Girls don't really seem to feel the same way and, unfortunately for you, a LOT of girls are bothered about height. I'm only 5'2" and I *prefer* guys over 6 foot.<<<
That's just ridiculously unfair and unreasonable. Everything men find physically unattractive about a woman, she can easily fix. Like you, and previously I, said, even if a girl doesn't have a perfect face, she can go to the gym, get a tan, gloss her hair and get a nice outfit and become a bombshell. But we men can do NOTHING about our height. Are you saying NOTHING I can do can compensate for my stature?
>>>I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, just to make you be a bit realistic. If you are a "5" (and by the way I really don't like "rating" people but can't think of any way else to put it) you will find it easier to attract girls in the 4 to 6 range. Too bad if you like the girl whose a 9 - SHE'S interested in the guy who's a 9/10. Really attractive people don't owe it to the rest of us to have lower standards! If you like the hottest girl on campus then its pretty likely so will most of the other guys - including the hottest guy on campus!<<<
I don't think I should have to sacrifice anything more. Like I've said several times, I'm not going for girl's who could be super models or actresses. I'm just going for girls with cute faces and okay bodies or girls with average faces with nice bodies.
And if what your saying is true, why is it that I've seen so many guys who're short or plain or even ugly looking hook up with tons of girls left and right? Why have I seen guys who're really handsome and good looking struggle and fail to hook up with girls?
>>>Its not all about looks, not even when it comes to one night stands. The two things that can work in the less attractive guy's favour are that girls can often be "laughed into bed". Many guys have gone out with women who are way out of their league because they could make them laugh. The other characteristic is charisma. A charismatic bloke *seems* way better looking than he really is and everybody wants to be around him. Unfortunately, charisma's a bit indefinable. And, without wishing to be a b*tch, your posts don't really show the makings of a stand up comedian ;o)<<<
I know charisma and charm can overcome average looks, which is why I have REPEATEDLY and CONSTANTLY asked what I can do or say to be more charming, but likewise it has been repeatedly and constantly ignored or shot down. All I've asked for is just a few real life examples of how charm and charisma from a man to a woman sounds in real life.
>>>Also, you seem, just in general, far too hung up on appearance. I don't just mean about your physique and clothes and the sort of girls you like. You mentioned in another post being ignored in high school etc and being able to prove something if you had slept with a lot of pretty girls. Who do you want to prove this to? You seem more interested in how people view you and what they think of you for having sex with loads of girls than you do with actually having sex!<<<
I really don't care what other guys think of me, and I want to prove this to myself. I am completely ashamed that I've never even fully made out with a girl at this age. You can't understand because as a girl/woman, being a virgin means being "pure." Either virginity or reluctance and restraint from sex or anything physical is something girls/women pride themselves on. But for a guy, there is nothing more humiliating and stigmatizing than being a virgin.
>>>Do you go out to meet girls with friends? Do they have more luck than you? I know this isn't going to be something you'll like to hear, but if they do and your friend is chatting someone up, start talking to *her* friend, even if she's not all that attractive. You won't feel so intimidated and you'll get some practice at flirting. If I'm out and my friend meets someone she likes I'm perfectly happy with a bit of harmless flirting with their friends, even if I have no intention of anything happening. Flirting itself can be fun and you seem to be forgetting that part of it.<<<
My friends aren't doing that much better. One of my best friends is also still a virgin, but has atleast kissed 3 girls. Another friend has only been in 1 relationship with the same girl since high school, but she's really not that attractive. They don't meet up with or talk to many girls either so I don't envy any of their positions.
I want to flirt. I've asked repeatedly how to flirt, but like I said, it keeps being ignored or shot down. Please just tell me some real life examples.
>>>There's no point in girls/women telling you what guys said to make them have a one night stand because it would make no sense whatsoever. I had one one night stand following a conversation about why my ex of 2 weeks was my ex and another after discussing which species of shark was "the best". If you try either of those, I can almost guarantee you'll fall flat on your face because neither topic of conversation was *why* I had the one-night stand. (Cuz I know you'll ask why, first guy I'd had a crush on for 2 years and the 2nd guy, was an *amazing* kisser so once that had happened, he was *amazing* at every next step so I really couldn't help myself!)<<<
How did those conversations start? Did those men approach you first or did you notice them first? For the guys who were the first to make a move, what was the first sentence out of their mouths? Second sentence? Third? How did they make you laugh? What were some of the stories and jokes they said? What was their tone of voice like? How soon or long did they wait to get your number/move in for a kiss?
>>>My impression of you is that the main reason you want to sleep with a lot of pretty girls is so that the guys who don't remember your name or ignored you will envy you because believe me, you get a LOT more sex when you're in a relationship than when you're a single "player".<<<
I don't care what other guys think of me. I care what girls think of me, but I don't care what guys think. Why would I? I don't want to sleep with them. I just want to feel the same physical pleasure that most other guys have felt several times by my age. I want to satisfy this desire and urge but at the same time, I don't want to be anchored to only one person. I want to be free to move from one opportunity to the next. It makes no sense to be committed to only one girl.
>>>That couldn't happen to you because you you've said you've only kissed one person so my guess is you wouldn't be that great. As I said before, focus on that for a while. One of my good friends and I have both said that we can end up sleeping with someone (either ONS situation or short-term relationship) that we weren't all that attracted to at first if they're a great kisser because a fabulous kiss just puts you in the mood so to speak.<<<
I want to practice kissing, but how can I when girls won't give me the opportunity to kiss them? How can I hope to become good at kissing when girls won't go out with them, hang out with them or otherwise get close enough to try?
This is why it angers me when women complain about men being sexually inexperienced. Then give him that practice and experience! Teach him!
>>>So, to wind up this rambling nonsense ;o) Practice flirting with lots of girls - whether you're attracted to them originally or not. Focus on kissing a few girls and don't even think about getting them into bed. Don't completely write off a short-term relationship (6weeks to 3 months), you're more likely to get laid that way! Treat every girl you meet as a new person, not someone who ought to put out because you put a load of work in with some other girl - she doesn't know that, and you haven't put in any work with her! Don't expect to get "payback" from putting in time at the gym, other than in your physical health. Hang out with male friends more and practice being funny - you can't overrate funny when it comes to attracting girls. Stop worrying about whether other people have noticed you or remember your name.<<<
I want to learn to flirt, but I need someone to teach me. I don't want to flirt with girls whom I'm not attracted to. Wouldn't that just be leading them on? I would not be disappointed with just kissing for now or a short term relationship (that's why I made this thread). I want to learn to be funny as well, but all I ask and have been asking is that some of you please just tell me some of the funny or "cute" or flirty things guys said to you. And I don't care what other guys think of me.
>>>And finally, one piece of treachery to my fellow females. When you go home for the summer (I assume you're at college elsewhere than your hometown), whenever you talk to girls tell them that you're still hurt because you just got out of a serious relationship at college. This will tell them that you're capable of a relationship, that you're sensitive and, when you bail on them as you say you plan on doing, it gives you a get out that you just weren't ready. You can use it again when you go back to school in the autumn about a girl at home.
There! Satisfied yet?!!<<<
Thank you! Really, it is a huge relief to hear this. This is the kind of advice I needed to hear all along. I've suspected the other women wouldn't admit they hooked up with a guy who said things like this to them because they suspect it's "using" her. But honestly, do you women really feel that miserable you hooked up with a guy who ran lines or "played" you? Does it haunt you everyday? Do you scream into your pillows and cry yourself to sleep every night because you hooked up with that guy? I doubt it.
Thank's again Sarah. Is there any more advice along these lines you have?
Edited 4/26/2007 2:38 am ET by redonculous
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