Why is it so hard?
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| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 7:56pm |
I'm just in a funk these days. I really don't want to give up but yet don't want to try so hard. Why can't love just happen with reasonable effort? I thought that if I have things going on in my life, if I keep myself presentable, be kind, fun, and have a few interesting thoughts in head, that someone will want me and yet here I am 10 years after I realized I wanted someone in my life, back to square one. No one to be there for me when I just want to kick back, talk about my day, accompany me to social events, or just spend a quiet evening in. A shoulder to put my head on, a warm body to snuggle up to and feeling secure and loved at the same time.
Pretty, nice, smart, and funny? Isn't it what most people want so why don't they want me? I go through phases. Recently was feeling positive b/c what else can I do but at times, it hits me that I haven't had a RS in years. I've been telling myself, it'll happen but why can't I see any light at the end...

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emu86,
I'm a never-wanted either. Let see, I'm 40 and had 1 person that I could call my bf and that was 12 yrs ago when it ended. After that horrible experience, was happy alone until I hit the big 30 and decided I wanted to really look. In came the second mr. wrong at age 31 which lasted off and on for 2 yrs - I guess that qualified as a RS but not anything serious. Then after that ended, nothing even came close to any kind of relationship for the past 7 years to be exact and 10 yrs since I decided it was time to settle down. There were a couple of guys I dated for a few months each and countless 1 or 2 occasionally 4 daters.
I met 1 man fr work, 2 through friends, 1 just by pure chance. But I've taken things into my own hand as well and tried dating services, OLD, athletic clubs. I didn't get overly involved or stay with anything for too long but it didn't take long for any of these avenues to tire me out and make me feel rejected, discouraged and beaten. I fell down, promised myself I wouldn't get heart broken again but then i soon forgot and before I knew it, it happened again. Like you I thought I'm not my type's type. I've never been in a RS with someone I want that want me too and vice versa so I really don't know what's in like to be in a RS at this age.
Sad, huh? after reading that one would think I'm such a looser but if you met me, I'm not fat nor ugly, have a good head on my shoulder, a good heart, a very good education and nice and interesting career, and I think I'm interesting person outside of work.
I wrote this to share w/ you my RS history and it's pretty depressing but at this time, I decide not to attend to the negativity. I am trying to do some inner work and to infuse belief in my self and that I am great and I will meet someone I want that will want me too, it just has to happen b/c it's only natural. I've trying to instill faith in God's and nature's goodness. I'm still pretty tired from a heartbreak so progress is slow but I have a few things that I'm working on. I read books, go to church, go to therapy, try to connect with friends to have a partner in crime to do things with. Anything to make me feel alive and happy from the inside.
Redonc,
Many of your comments have a very mysogynistic flavour. For example:
>I've seen MANY girls that guys would wrench and crack jokes about behind their backs..<
This is probably a way of taking power from women by implying that they are likely subject to mocking and cruel jokes.
>we men don't think like you do. We don't say one thing and do another<
this suggests that you believe that women are two-faced liars while men are not.
>she'll usually go after the most attractive man in the room<
here you accuse women of being shallow
>Most of the women who go out of their way to approach men are unattractive<
Once again you use a judgemental tone to attack insecurities and make people uncomfortable. Where is your evidence for this? I challenge you to find some. I am a guy, and this has not been my experience.
Here is what I think is going on. You accuse women of being judgemental and overly picky when it comes to prospective partners' social skills. You accuse women of only wanting guys with an edge or "badboys" as you lamented on another thread. This is the cliched "why do girls only date jerks (a**hls etc)" rant. Whenever this happens it usually means that the complainant is a jerk himself (for example, he hates women and has entitlement issues and a bitter self centred personality). The difference is that he is a jerk who lacks the confidence and assertiveness to act it out and so considers himself a 'nice guy'. Maybe if you are having experiences in which you talk to women and then get rejected it is because you said something that she did not like. Maybe you are being offensive. Maybe you are confusing men having to "say the right things, ask the right questions, make the right amount of eye contact, have the right kind of body language" with not being a desperate mysogynistic creep?
Now, I will weigh in on the general topic of this thread buy reporting the results of one study that I think is pertinent:
Women were asked to define the attractiveness of men that they would A)marry, and B)have a one night stand with.
Men were asked the same questions.
Most men required a more attractive partner for marriage then for a 1 night stand.
Womens results were the reverse. That means that women require more physical attractiveness from a potential hook up then from a marriage partner.
While this seems silly and counterintuitive it is exactly what our evolutionary biology would predict. The result is that men and women are looking for totaly differnet things depending on what the relationship goal is at that moment and with that potential partner. Obviously almost any woman, anywhere, can get a man to sleep with her if she wanted. Most of the women on this board seem to be looking for someone to marry however and that is not easy. Likewise it is not as easy for men to find a women who will have sex without commitment. This is because peoples' disires are products of selection. Semen is cheap. A male can father many offspring by mating with many females. If men are to give up that oportunity in order to commit to one partner and limit their number of potential offspring (but perhaps increasing their reproductive potential by improving offspring care by consentrating resources on one family) then the conditions (and partner) must be just right for such a gamble. Likewise females have had much better reproductive success by retaining the father in a relationship to help care for children. Women's reproductive capacity is inherently limited, they can only have so many kids. It is therefore advantageous for women to try to limit reproduction only to those instances where she is in a stable long term relationship. If she is going to have a one night stand, the guy better be one heck of a stud (and most of us do not fit this criterium. Too bad so sad, moving on...). Although many of these situations don't apply as much for many peope in western society since the advent of contraception, welfare, and womens' financial independance; evolution is a backward looking process. Our genes are a product of our ancestors' reproductive success and the selective pressures that they faced.
I think that men should do most of the asking. I did not used to think this, and since I am shy it is hard for me. However, the best relationship I ever had came from asking a girl out. I have been in a few sub par relationships that occured because I was asked out, and I said yes because a) I didn't want to hurt their feelings and b) I like sex. I have learned to say "no" unless I am really interested to avoid more hurt feelings later on. I think that flirting is useful so that women do not have to ask. THat is what it is for. If the guy is interested enough, he'll ask. If not, well then "he is not that into you." If a girl asks, a guy will usually say yes even if he is not interested. Girls seem less likely to do that. Even if they say yes to a date, they will not usualy have sex unless they have a certain level of interest. Most guys will have sex if they have a pulse. I think this system works the best (but not great) and has the most potential to spare feelings and avoid bad relationships. As for guys that are afraid to ask: don't blame women for your lack of success. Either grow a pair, or recognize your responsibility for your own personal outcome. Preferably both.
My mother gave me a cartoon one day that had a woman talking to a man at a bar. She says to him, "I am not going to lower my standards to help your self-esteem."
I still have this on my desk at my parents house and my mother often times reminds me that I may be a bit picky, but that is a good thing.
However, as bad as I want those same things you spoke of- someone to love, spend time with and etc., I know that settling for someone who isn't right will not ever be the right thing. I look around myself and see many people together who shouldn't be and I wonder how their lives are going to end up and know that I don't want that for myself. I have to say that I am shocked as to how many people actually do settle. Good for us for being independent!!!
Recently, I just thought that I had found "the one." He lives in the south while I live up North and things were great for months and then unexpectably, he has began to limit our contact (we used to email, talk on the phone and text almost daily) and then that one day it just all changed. We still talk a bit and I even saw him when he was up North for the holidays but clearly we are not the same as we were before. I know that it is silly to be upset over somehting that I didn't really have, (we were really just friends) but I do. Even though this hasn't ended the way that I hoped, he set the standards high and he gave me that feeling that i know that I want to have with the person I am going to be spend the rest of my life with. I know that it is wrong to feel like this, but I am hoping that this might be something that comes back around and because nothing "bad" has happened, I believe that it could. I am in the mourning stage still and have lost my faith a bit - but just wanted to say that i feel for you and hope for all of us who are in this situation that the world will come around and treat us to something extra special.
Hope you will hang in there with us - this message board makes me feel like I am not alone!!
Hi,
I love pink too!
A while back I had a dream that told me to open my heart. I took it to mean lowering my standard (as in opening my heart to someone who doesn't have what I want) and that was very upsetting and conflicting. it's something I can't see myself doing b/c I'm not asking for anything that I don't offer myself. Now after having time to think about it I realize it means exactly that: "open my heart" as in open my heart to love. Until very recently I used to lament my loveless lot and had many pitty parties for myself but I was introduced to the concept of positive thinking. It's a hard concept for me to accept for a couple of reasons. One is that when I was growing up I used to think everything was easier than it appeared and underestimated things and failed. I had a gf that used to complain and expressed doubts about everything and made things sounded bad but she always came out ok. So I thought worrying and expecting the worst was the way to go.
That was later re-inforced by other experiences where I didn't expect something good to happen but it did anyway and vice versa when I was optimistic and excited and thinking something was going to happen and it didn't. This was me when I seriously started my search for the one at the age of 29-30 (I was a late bloomer) thinking I was this amazing, cute, smart, and (pseudo) successful chickie (I say pseudo b/c I didn't like my career and was very unhappy), who wouldn't want me but I soon realized rejection was a frequent visitor. I didn't want what I found and what I wanted didn't want me. Anyway, after 10 yrs of this, understandably I became this very hopeless and sad person. One can see the sadness in my eyes always even though I'm able to function ok in other areas of my life.
Other than my ever present sadness over the mateless sitch, I have it pretty good. I now have a new career that I like (and even love sometimes :0, good RS with my family, some good friends, more independence, and more confidence in my physical appearance. I also had long standing depression that I didn't get treated for until around 5 yrs ago.
I realize regardless of my history, feeling negative and bad is not a prerequisite to success. It robs me of life and vitality. It make me miss out on life. I'm reading books that teach me to build positive energy to strengthen me from the inside, go to church and therapy. I can't say I'm completely revitalized but i'm taking small steps to participate in life by getting out and doing more things, and learning to relate to people better so I can be perceived as a terrific person (it's a new concept for me as well - a friend once told me I have a lot going for me but w/o the attractive packaging, it's hard to showcase my wonderful attributes)
Like you I'm in somewhat of a mourning stage as well but I'm working on it. The man I'm mourning over is actually the person who got me interested in the power of thought. Last night, this concept was re-inforced when I saw a friend of a friend who did an amazing palm reading on me and it re-inforced my believe in the goodness of the universe. Intuitively I knew this too but it's hard to change bad habits. I will get what I want and I'm more accepting of the advice to open my heart.
If you feel like it, tell me about your recent "one". I always love to hear about similar situations.
thanks for your response.....i am sorry that others are going through the same feelings that I am, but take a lot of comfort in knowing that I have now found people that I can talk to about this.
I think that the reason this hurts so much this time is because this relationship was found when I was least expecting it. I had such high hopes that this was going to work out. I really feel like that there is some outside factor that is inpacting us and I just can't figure out what it is. I truly believe that something in his life has gone wrong and he doesn't feel like he can tell me and that is why he is just staying "away." However, whatever it is, I am very sad that he doesn't feel that he can tell me. I thought that we had gotten to a point in our relationship where were very honest and open with each other. By the way - I sent an email 10 days ago and I am still waiting for a response. I suppose it is a good thing that I stopped holding my breath!
Our relationship was riddled with issues due to our distance issues and I realized that from the get go. I would have rathered that was what pulled us apart, not the unknown. I think that anyone can deal with the information that they are given, but when nothing is given, it just lets your mind run wild! Does anyone else have that problem?!?!?
This relationship came along at a time where it gave me the stregnth to get through a lot of stressful situations, I finally felt like I had someone to go through it with. I got so addicted to that feeling.....it was something that was so new for me and felt it really made me a better person. I loved the person that I was. I want her back!!
I have been trying to make myself feel better in the little ways that I can. I was so exhausted this week from work, that I have taken the whole weekend off. I have slept in, went to the library and church and watched tv, read books and not much else. It feels good to have just relaxed and had nothing expected of me. I also find that going out looking my best has been helping. I think that it is very true that you feel the way that you look. When I go out looking my best, I really feel like I can accomplish more and feel more confident. By doing it on the exterior, it starts to get into my interior. Just a bit of advice for anyone who is feeling down!
This won't always be so hard, right?
Hi,
Did you hear from your friend?
I can relate to being let down after having high hopes. Despite my lament and apparent hopelessness, I think over all I'm eternally hopeful. I've had many heart breaks. After each one would vow that it will never happen again but soon i forget and fall for someone even before he shows hard evidence of interest. What can i say? i've been looking for love for so long that my radar is always up. I have looked actively and at this time am not looking actively but rather am open. IT's hard to keep yourself looking good b/c I'm not a high maintenance girl and don't get up early enough to put on makeup. MOst days I just shampoo and shower + light perfume but that's it.
When you don't know the answer you can hang on for a long time. You will imagine and microanalyze all kinds of reasons. However, for your peace of mind maybe you should persist in finding out. Some men will give an answer. Some will never give you a straight answer and you'll just have to content with the fact that for whatever reason, he's not pursuing a RS with you. I think once you learn he's not interested any more than the reason really isn't that important. It happened to me and my friends quite a few times and many times the answer is straight forward. He has a fear of commitment. He has another woman, whatever...In the case that he has emotional problem that prevents commitment, don't try to fix it. It's not that easy to fix. People may need therapy for years or something life altering to change.
I don't have anyone right now and haven't had a serious RS for many years but I'm learning to be hopeful again, try to look good, learn to relate to people more effectively. My heart is always open even at times it may be closed temporarily.
Hello -
Yes, in fact I did hear back from him - seems like we are going to email each other a couple times a week. This is an upgrade from the once a week. I will take what I can get.
I have been really working on trying to work up the courage to ask him what happened. I have been trying to ask that since early December! I have to be honest and say that I am not yet there. Confrontation on things like this is not something that I excel at. Right now, I think that I am too afraid of what the answer is. The funny thing is, I don't know why. I really don't think it is something that I have done or said (hope that doesn't come off as cocky, but I don't think that is.) I guess I am not wanting to get the answer because once I get it our RS will be over (if is not something that we can change/fix.) I am really hesitant to do it over email, I think that a conversation would be a better way to have this discussion. He might be back in town in March or April - but I hate to drag this out any longer than I have to. We will have to see. It is sticky situation, because our families are very old friends, so I have to be extra careful. Sometimes, I think that all of the family influence may have played a role in this and I can not confirm that others in my extended family didn't say something to him/his family about me that wasn't true (this wouldn't have been the first time that they had screwed over someone in our family.) I will keep you posted.....
I get so disappointed when I let myself get down about relationships - I seem to have trouble remembering that almost everyone goes through what I am going through. Please note: I currently don't have any friends or family in this boat - so I am very glad to have my friends here!! I am however, going to take your lead and work on being more hopeful and having a little faith - It is something that I should work into my daily life because once I do find that really good RS, I am going to need to continue that kind thought process.
I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who is always on the lookout for the right person. My radar is up all the time too!! We have to be proactive on this, right??
Any good prospects on the horizon??
I am the opposite. I tend to be forth coming and confrontational. I think it's easy to push for an honest answer when you have been together for a while. I wouldn't do it by email b/c you don't have the real-time interaction to make things clear. I wouldn't wait until March or April. I would call him and find out. I believe anyone who has been dating for at least a couple of months deserves an honest answer.
Many times after you open up to each other the relationship reaches a new level of intimacy. Whether or not it will culminate in what you want is another question. Often time after I have a heart to heart talk with the man, it's like a channel has been open and both of us are more comfortable to speak our mind with each other. Don't get discouraged if he's closed off at first, you must persist and try to find an angle. The worst is that he cuts off communication but as long as he keeps responding, you have an open door into his inner world. You may or may not like the answer but you will know what to do.
I don't have too much problem opening up with men that i go out with. The problem is when the man and i have some boundary i.e. in a work situation. I should stop talking vague b/c vague is boring and will reveal it here. The source of my angst when I posted the original message is a man that I have been very infatuated with for the past 6 months. It's someone who supervises me in a work project. We only meet 1 hour weekly and he's not on site so i don't see him otherwise. Anyway these past 6 months I have been engaging in an interesting dance orchestrated around this person b/c I'm infatuated and yet too shy to get into who he is. He's not completely closed off. Actually on a few occasions, opened doors into his inner world but lately was somewhat shut off. So for last couple of meetings, I found ways to crack it open. Last time was almost there but i was met with a defense and so today, I tried again with some resistance. It felt a little weird and discouraging but I persisted and in a way confronted him in a playful way.
Anyway, I realized I'm still pretty vague but it takes too long to tell the whole story. All I can say after the fact is I enjoyed the proccess of pushing the envelope. And I'll jus keep doing it. I have nothing to loose if I keep a playful and not hostile attitude about it.
I know that the correct thing to do is take the scary step forward and get to the bottom of this, because living in this world of unknown is seriously ridiculous!! I am sad with myself that I can't get there yet, but trust me, I am continuing to work on the courage to get there. I know that I might not like the answer, but at least I will know and then I can move on instead of festering on this.
Because of the kind of job that I have, I can never date at work and I have to admit that I kind of love not having the additional pressure of prospective suitors at work. It must be kind of nice to be able to sprinkle your week with meetings with him, especially when you both seem to be clicking. Sounds like you have found the best of those two worlds with yours, you get to see him on a regular basis but he is not around all the time to distract you. Even though he has been a bit distant, I think you should continue with your approach, you have to be very careful when your dominant relationship with him is work based. One thing that I have learned a lot from my job and what I always try to remember is that you never know what is truly going on in someone else's life. When someone is more shut off or quiet, it rarely has anything to do with those around them. I know that I feel that way often. Anyways, I am sure at some point, this project that you are on will be over or a situation will change where one or both of you aren't on the team and at that time, you never can know what will happen then! I have actually had something very similiar happen to me-and it was so great to actually have gotten the guy that I had slight interactions with. Even though we didn't turn out to be a good match, I feel good about it. I loved finding out that the had been having the same feelings as me. Hang in there!!
I know that life has a funny way of working out - we just have to patient, keep the faith and enjoy the ride!
Yes, I know I have to be patient and enjoy the present but it's so hard when you've been waiting forever. When I say no RS I really mean nothing. I've been on dates but absolutely nothing. I miss the feeling of being pursued by someone whom you're also exicted about. That warm, fuzzy, fluttering feeling when you think about him. It must be nice. I think part of the restlessness also comes from not having too much of a social life right now and my rather unsettling lifestyle. I haven't gotten the energy or motivation to engage in many social activities, make my living space more pleasant or get myself pampered which would contribute to elevating my mood. Much of what I do now is simply avoidance b/c it's easy to do. How do I escape loneliness? by working, sprinkled with occasionally get togethers w some friends or family for some low-key activities. I think if I knew someone who likes to go out and does all the planning and all I have to do is go along, I think I would do it but if I had to do the initiation, I just don't have the motivation.
I enjoy my weekly meeting with the man at work. Actually I don't have a strong pining for him otherwise but when I saw him again this week, I was reminded of how attracted I was to him. I enjoyed it but at the same time am aware of the fantasy nature of the RS. He's here but not in the way I want it to be and don't know if it ever will be. I also know it's hard to keep focused on the big picture, to see the forest when you're lost among the trees. It's so so hard. But I have to remind myself that the future has great things in store for me even though I can't see it right now and not waste the present.
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